boyfriend puts me down about my weight
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boyfriend puts me down about my weight
| Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:22pm |
My boyfriend and I just came back from the store and I bought a candybar. On the way back he drove fast and yelled and swore because I bought the candybar. He said "do you wonder why you haven't lost any weight?" When we pulled into the driveway, he said "its all going to go right here" and he patted my stomach (meaning the fat is going to circulate around my stomach). He had bought me a package of crackers when we were in the store and he refused to give them to me because I bought the candybar. We were visiting friends a few minutes ago and my friend's little girl ate part of my candybar and my boyfriend laughed and called it karma because she ate it. He said it as if I did something really horrible because I bought a chocolate bar.
I'm 25 years old and I don't need to be disciplined like a child and it hurts me that he treats me like this. I feel like crying and I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this and he usually turns the tables on me like its my fault that he's talked to me like this.
When I was very thin he treated me well and I never thought he would be this kind of person and I never thought he would be like this towards me or talk to me this way. He used to treat me like a lady and then when I gained the weight six months ago he's changed towards me a little bit at a time. It wasn't all at once, his attitude gradually turned into this and now its getting pretty bad.
Other men tell me I'm beautiful but my boyfriend doesn't ever since I'm gained weight. I worry he doesn't unconditionally love me or accept me. My worse fear is that I'm going to lose weight and have my body back and he's going to treat me well again. Its a fear because then it will tell me he's superficial and that the reason he will be good to me is not because he loves me but because I'll look good again.
I don't know what to do.
I'm 25 years old and I don't need to be disciplined like a child and it hurts me that he treats me like this. I feel like crying and I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about this and he usually turns the tables on me like its my fault that he's talked to me like this.
When I was very thin he treated me well and I never thought he would be this kind of person and I never thought he would be like this towards me or talk to me this way. He used to treat me like a lady and then when I gained the weight six months ago he's changed towards me a little bit at a time. It wasn't all at once, his attitude gradually turned into this and now its getting pretty bad.
Other men tell me I'm beautiful but my boyfriend doesn't ever since I'm gained weight. I worry he doesn't unconditionally love me or accept me. My worse fear is that I'm going to lose weight and have my body back and he's going to treat me well again. Its a fear because then it will tell me he's superficial and that the reason he will be good to me is not because he loves me but because I'll look good again.
I don't know what to do.

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>>I get depressed and when I do I eat so I think thats why I've gained so much weight.<<
OK, now THIS is where you have to start focusing. What are you depressed about and what are you doing to help yourself? Are we talking relationship, health, work or family issues?
Also, would you mind throwing in a little more dialogue here? Trying to help you is like pulling teeth (laughing). The more you give us to work on, the more we can help you.
I think David gave a very good explanation at how powerless a partner can feel when watching their loved one self destruct. Sometimes hurtful things can be said out of pure frustration.
Have you never had a disagreement with a boyfriend or friend and said something hurtful out of frustration? It's no different even if the subject does concern weight.
Over the years here, I've seen many posts from men and women who love their partners, but who hate seeing them become overweight. These people don't know how to help their partner. They are concerned about their partner's state of mind and the associated health issues. They are also struggling with base level attraction issues. These posters often start with trying to be gently supportive. And when that doesn't work, some get frustrated that the 'softly softly' approach doesn't work and try being more blunt to see if that helps.
I'm not suggesting that your boyfriend is taking the correct approach, however, his actions may be caused by pure frustration with the situation. Or perhaps he's a bad man and is CAUSING your depression issues. But without more information from you......
I'd walk. Instead of being concerned about your health or your emotions, he seems to be concerned about how you look. Especially if this has happened before. And while I agree that he might "just be trying to help..." I still feel that the way he treats you is inappropriate at best, verbally abusive at worst.
What you should do for yourself is to A) decide whether or not you want to lose weight (hey, maybe you like the extra curves!), then if YOU want to, see your Dr. about how to take it off sensibly... and B) talk to someone about the depression. It really truly does help :)
Best wishes!
I don't get out much but I would love to, I was diagnosed with social phobia when I was 14 and I'm much better than what I was. Sometimes I feel why should I get out of bed when its the same thing everyday.
My boyfriend used to be very good to me and we were very close and very happy. He knows about my disorders and he is accepting of that and supportive, which I really do appreciate. There are many good things about him but when it comes to my weight and if I treat myself to a dessert, he's not very supportive. The comments he's made have hurt me and it makes me more depressed and I want to eat more. It hurts worse is that we had something really special and we were very close but I started gaining weight in December and since then I've gained between 40-45 pounds. I'm not happy with my weight either, its awful and I've felt more depressed since I've gained it. I think the desserts have helped me feel better, I eat healthy other than that. I'm been a vegetarian for a long time except I eat chicken and fish now, but its the desserts I'm addicted to and because of eating that and the medication I'm on I've gained all this weight in a short amount of time. About two years ago I gained a'lot of weight because of medication and then I lost it but last December I started gaining it back again. I used to be naturally thin, eating what I wanted without gaining weight except I walked a'lot and I don't do that anymore. My boyfriend has known me for years before we started going out and he knew me as being very thin until two years ago when my weight starting going up. The first six months of our relationship though, I wasn't heavy.
Let me explain what I wrote and why I wrote it, then you decide if you can use what I said - I am admitting to you that while I have done this in the past to my wife (prior to when we were married), that I have ceased doing that, that I realized it was wrong and didn't solve anything, that I have accepted her and that I changed. I'm not asking for a pat on the back - I'm trying to explain to you that as a guy, it is something that I have done myself and realized was counterproductive, and that A) men can change their perspective and B) that my wife continues to work on it because it's important to HER to keep working on it, she's not doing it for me.
And that's it. That's the point. If by my saying that I was able to change my behavior and that other men, YOUR man, may be able to changet, doesn't resonate with you, that's fine. It's your life, you do what you need to. I was trying to give you some male insight from someone who realized being negative about my wife's weight didn't solve a thing, and that I realized I needed to change. And did. And other guys might, too. Perhaps even yours.
David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life
My two cents, sit him down, have a serious heart-to-heart with him. I've had a bf like yours, and I had to tell him, "you saying those things, hurt me. i know you mean for them to help, but they hurt, and it makes me want to eat more. If you want to help me, how about you be supportive, or not say anything. or if you NEED to say those things, bite your tongue and think about what effect it will have on me. It's like teling someone they're stupid, do you think that'll help them be more smart?"
Personally, I don't think he gets that his words are ADDING to your weight gain, by making you eat more. I am NOT saying you're a victim, however, I am saying, he's ADDING to it.
I would also seriously think about seeing a therapist. You are depressed. You eat when you're depressed. You are an emotional eater...so that's adding to the weight issue.
It's all a viscious cycle, trust me, I know it well.
Good luck. Talk to your bf, talk to a therapist. If bf doesn't get it, take him to a session and have the therapist explain it. If he still doesn't get it or truly believes by belittleing you, it'll make you want to stop, then it may be high time to dump him. I hope he changes, as I nkow men can. Some can't, some can.
Personally, I don't understand why any man (or woman) thinks that by putting someone down, makes them want to be a better person.
It was
Wow, this put down does hurt so much. Here's my story, (I'll try to keep it short).
I met "T" in January 2003, I weiged 350 lbs. I consider myself nice looking pretty shapely, but I was sooo heavy. My self-esteem was super, super low. Well, I had no idea this guy, very much in shape, good looking, would even consider even being my friend. Well, he started to come around me all the time, every weekend, etc. Well, I had gastric by-pass surgery in November 2003. We had stopped seeing each other in early August 2003. I found out that an ex from his past had resurfaced and they had started seeing each other again. I found out that she was a size 4. I was devastated, cause we had talked about my weight and he told me he liked me and I was a beautiful person inside/out. He made me feel good. Sex was good,(but with less weight I know its even better). Well, I was devastated.
Time passed, he called me and I seen him in January 2004. I had lost about 60-70 lbs. He said I looked great. Well, before I knew it, we were back together in April 2004. I was a little skeptical, but did it anyway. We lived together from that time up until February 2006. Ups and downs like any other relationship. Well, he moved in February, and in April 2006, I found out that he had started back talking to his size 4 ex and then I heard in May, moved in and he was going to marry her (he said we couldn't have a relationship with me because he likes little biddy women) and now in July, he has moved out and said "hell no, I'm not marrying this psycho." (Heard this thru several family members). I guess he found out smaller doesn't always mean better.!!!
Well, I am not a size 4 girl. My weight loss has slowed down some. I am a size 14 from a size 26/28. I have dropped a lot of weight. My goal is to be a 10/12. I have never wanted to be a pencil. I have always been shapely, pretty face, sexy, great personality, excellent cook, (he always loved my cooking), etc. Well, I know I have a ways to go, but I will get there, but it hurts. He never said anything to me about my weight directly, but apparently, he has mentioned it to his family, (who always loved me) and they tell me some of the things he has said.
Good luck to you. Give him some space and time to appreciate you for you. They never miss you til they think they have lost you. My ex is on the prowl to get back, but I have not given in. He will have to beg and plead on his knees to have me back, but even after all that, I will always have it in my mind about him and very small women, so I know it probably will never happen. Again, Good luck to you and START WALKING!!!!
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