Boyfriend's Ex Doesn't Know About Me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Boyfriend's Ex Doesn't Know About Me...
9
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 7:59pm
I wrote a few days ago about when to introduce your children to the person you're dating...well, now I have another question along those lines. I've been dating "C" for five months and his child's mom still doesn't know that he's dating. In one of "C"s and my conversations he had mentioned that if she found out he was dating she would be pissed. He swears he's ready to move on from their relationship, but I find it a little strange he can't tell her he's dating. He says he's afraid she will keep their son from him. However, every time he's talked about her it's been in a positive light, so I find it hard to believe she would do something of that nature. Plus, does she expect him to be single forever? Or, should I assume he may be sending her the wrong message? Either way, I don't believe it should be an issue if he's dating if they are broken up. I know my child's father is aware that I am dating, and I would never have a problem telling him when/if I was in a relationship had he asked for the sake of our daughter. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
How long have they been apart, and when did the divorce become final?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 10:07pm
They were never married, or even in a serious relationship. They only dated for a couple months before she got pregnant (supposively she was on the pill, but ended up getting pregnant). They tried to make it work for about five months after she had their son. So, they were split up for about eight months before we started dating. However, I have reason to believe they may have been having sex up to the point that we started dating. Long story...He has told me they have not slept together since we met.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Heh. Okay, my two cents: he's not over her completely, and he doesn't know enough about his rights as a father. She may be playing him by threatening to withhold visitation, but I don't believe she can do that. He needs some legal advice, and you can figure out how to proceed from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 11:28am
Well, I kind of figured she didn't know from your last post. But, I do not find it a big deal. I have been away from my sons father for almost 5 yrs and never mention if I am dating or not. One it causes a big argument that my son overhears, two just causes undue drama. It is none of his business and when asked either I do not answer or say no. Just easier and has no meaning behind it. Just makes it easier one for my son and two for me. Also, if you talked to me about my ex you would also here great things. I tell people all the time he was a great man just not the one for me. If I was a housewife type who liked staying home raising children things would have worked out much better but I hate doing housework and love being outside working on a job and want a man to stay home.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003

I understand that you are concerned about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
I disagree with other posters. If I were in your position, I would suspect that he is still sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and that is why he doesn't want her to find out about you and/or you to meet his child. If a man is in love, he will want to let the world know. The fact that he uses his child as an excuse makes me suspect him even more. Even if she was to try and hold his child from him in this country he has a lot of resources at hand that will allow him to seek visitation rights especially if he is paying child support. I would proceed with caution because one of these days he might be telling you that he is getting back with her.
BABY #3!!
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003

I totally disagree... People do not go in just to rock the boat for the sake of a relationship. Loving someone you date has nothing to do with you being with your child. I’d hate to think he would be like, "oh well, I love you and it doesn't matter if I have to not see my child or cause him issues in the future because his is to young to understand what is going on between his mom and I. I will be with my love". Yea, great guy or anyone who has a child to young to understand an argument has already seen his mom unhappy etc.. and heard a few arguments not knowing what is going on and it is confusing but yea, on top of it all this guy should rock the boat and risk telling the ex (when in my opinion it is none of her business and shouldn't even be talked about) he is dating someone and have to go through much more. And it isn't that easy to get visitation especially depending on what the other parent says. Also, who says he pays child support not all people go through child support some adults can do that without a court and it would hurt him much more because what if they agreed for a set amount but because he is dating the ex wants more money when they go to court which would also put more strain on the guy. Just my take on it. Plus I am coming from where I had my ex the way the woman was. Only difference was because my son lived with me. But, since we didn't go to court we had 50/50 custody and if he found out was dating would have taken my son on any of the visits which would have been more chaotic. Just because an ex has not got over you doesn't mean you have to rub their face into you moving by announcing your dating. They need time to heal so over time it may be ok but will say in my almost 5 yrs my ex is still not ok with it but has gotten much better and when he is dating someone he is very ok but as long as he is single that is like always on his mind. Ok, I rambled and hope I didn't jump around to much. Sorry, got carried away there with all the flashbacks and feelings, but got work and need to get to it so no proof reading.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005

I still disagree. If her boyfriend doesn't take a stand with his ex and continues to allow her to use their son as a manipulation tool than their relationship does not have a future. There are just too many instances that single dads use this type of excuse to seperate their new girlfriend from the mother of their child/ren and are sleeping with both of them at the same time. I still think that she needs to have a talk with him about how she feels because she is obviously not happy about their current situation. If she continues to stay silent it is only going to hurt their relationship and she will begin to resent him.

Your situation is a perfect example as to why this man has to stand up to his ex because five years is an extremely LONG time for your ex to not get over the fact that you will be dating other men. For the original poster, would you really want to be in the same relationship for five years and his ex still does NOT know about you???? Seriously think about that....

BABY #3!!
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003

Why does she need to know the mom? I guess with me and I've dated plenty guys with kids that meeting there kids mom is not at the top of the list or who she thinks I am for that matter. The relationship is over and unless my child is being harmed in that persons presence or my child is left alone then I may question but other then that I figure my ex is a grown man and he should know to care for the safety of our child.


My current guy I have met his kids and by chance did I meet their mom and did not even know that is who she was untill she had gone. She asked who was going to hold the baby and I said I'd take her and then she took one of her daughters to go shopping. No big deal to me and unless she asked the daughter she may not even known who I was because I was in the house and my bf outside with the other guys. But, I think it was no big deal because it is no ones business to ask. I guess I am secure enough and know mine enough that I do not need to continusly question about him and his kids mom. He has to be a dad and me being a mom I think that comes before any relationship we can or will have.


I do understand what your saying Bella and see that point also. I also suggested the OP talk to him if it bothered her. But I wanted to be shown there are two sides and not all guys do it because they are cheating.

Marie

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