Brainwashing Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Brainwashing Boyfriend
10
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 10:24am

Hi

My name is Tara and I'm 29. Been dating Chris for 4 and a half years - he's 31.

When we first met, he was the party animal king - something I was not keen on, as I by nature am quite quiet and prefer cinema and dinner, staying in..Sure I like a party, but he was the type that would leave me to walk home alone, in favor of staying at the party well into the early hours and even the next day. He drank a lot and took recreational drugs, but believe it or not, in between times, he was a sweet and fun loving guy who I really loved and who made me laugh a lot.

Last year, we went on separate adventures. I toured the east coast, while he went to Cambodia. Since his return, he has changed dramatically - and it's becoming too much for me to bear.

He has set up his own business, network marketing, with a company that sells cleaning products. He has become totally and completely obsessed by it. While I welcome his new attitude of anti drugs, it is so unbelievably mad that when I tell you you probably won't believe it.

He made it clear to me that when he started the business that it would take up a lot of his time. His working day consists of getting up at 7 am, even on days when I'm off (ps we do not live together!) and working until 1 or 2 am the NEXT day. He takes off an hour, it event that for dinner. His diet has changed and he has lost a lot of weight. He refuses to drink even the tiniest amount of alcohol - which is fine, but makes it uncomfortable for me as I do enjoy a glass of wine from time to time - he will not eat any dairy products. We are both vegetarians, but lately his diet resembles more of a vegan lifestyle. I asked him what he wanted for breakfast a few days ago and he said, "Vegetables".

He talks about "The Business" non stop. Every time he calls me, it's one of the first things he refers to. He makes me feel guilty for watching tv, and one of his colleagues told me that I was lazy for not joining him in the business because I mentioned that I worked 12 hours a day as a veterinary nurse. He said I watch too much tv and a full time job is no excuse.

He has also become very taken with self motivational techniques - books especially. He recently attended a seminar with life coach Anthony Robbins and we even had to watch a dvd on his techniques in bed! He spent $800 dollars on the seminar and is asking me to do the same in the future.

He has also become very religious and will pray out loud at bedtime, which makes me very uncomfortable. I am spiritual, but not a great believer in the man in the sky, especially since my dads death at the age of 52. Even before we make love, he has to write his daily journal and plan out his next day in a planner. It's very off putting.

I only see him twice a week - Saturdays and Sunday's are the only days he can spare. If, like last night, he has plans (ie a "Sizzle" with his work colleagues - endless talk about business) he will only commit to Sunday. God forbid that I make plans for one of these days - he takes terrible mood swings and huffs!

He came up to my place of work the other day and the police had been called to deal with a threatening customer. My manager came out and asked Chris to move his car as he had parked behind the police car. He said "NO" to her, right in front of me. He was only joking, but neither her nor I found it funny. She demanded he move the car and he started shouting after her that he was kidding. I was so embarrassed. She has now banned him from visiting me at work again. I had to lie and tell him that we weren't allowed visitors anymore - he would be so mad if he knew the truth.

Each time I eat any of the foods I really enjoy he tells me I am putting poisons into my system. When I read the paper or watch a show I like, he screams at the tv and even went so far one time as telling my mom to switch off her favorite show as it was "rubbish".

He says I am the girl he wants to marry and every time he brings up the subject I feel terrified. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, but it has gone so far he is making me feel that he has some secret answer to the mystery of life and that everyone should be doing what he is doing. Like if I don't I will never be successful or be happy.

Please help, I would be most grateful.

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 10:52pm
WOW!! Honestly, if you feel as though your lifestyle is fine than I wouldn't listen to him. Do you still love him? or the one he used to be? Maybe this is a way for you to see that you didn't like the party animal and you don't like the extreme opposite and you need to find someone in between. It's like dating two guys really. Have you talked to him about how much he's changed? Maybe you should try. Let him know how you feel about your relationship. He's taking over here so it seems to me. This is the time when you need to be more assertive. All I can say is that if you feel this way "He says I am the girl he wants to marry and every time he brings up the subject I feel terrified. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this, but it has gone so far he is making me feel that he has some secret answer to the mystery of life and that everyone should be doing what he is doing. Like if I don't I will never be successful or be happy." then I would definitely move on. I hope I helped.
Steph
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 8:13am

I don't know how helpful this will be but if I was in your situation I would bail immediately. PERSONALLY, these kind of 180s in behavior make me VERY nervous. It does almost seem as if he has been brainwashed by some sort of cult.

I mean there do seem to be SOME positive side effects, but overall it just seems like he has gone from one extreeme to the opposite without any real self-reflection or understanding as to why. He's just following the leader still it's just that the leader now looks a lot better, at least on the surface, then the old one.

It seems you like thinking for yourself, if you'd like to continue to do so, PERSONALLY, I would leave. This new personna he's taken on doesn't seme very tolerant of independant thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:31am

I was thinking the same thing Nick said ... sounds like a very cult-ish mentality.

Tara ... it's time to accept that your bf has adopted a new way of living ... and with this 'new life,' has become very self-righteous in the process. You stated << but it has gone so far he is making me feel that he has some secret answer to the mystery of life and that everyone should be doing what he is doing. Like if I don't I will never be successful or be happy.>>

It's one thing to 'change his ways' but it's another to expect you to join him and become intolerant of the way you live your life in the process. You shouldn't be expected to jump in on his bandwagon.

Bottom line, he's no longer the same guy you started dating 4 years ago ... I'm sorry, it will be hard ... but, it sounds like it's time to move on. You're not accepting him for the guy he is now (can't say I blame you ... he sounds overzealous) and he's not accepting you for wanting to live your life your way. Common values and goals are ultimately what makes a relationship work for the long haul. Sounds doubtful that you guys will be on that page together.

And, when you break up with him ... he'll probably blame you for not seeing things the way he does ... but, so what? You have a mind of your own and don't need someone telling you what you should be doing/thinking/feeling/eating/watching.

Good luck, hon! ! !

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 5:21am

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply. Your advice has been very helpful, but I just wanted to share with you yet another CRACKER that he has left on my doorstep.

After sharing a sexual relationship for nearly 5 years, and for the past few months only seeing each other at weekends and being "expected" to perform, he has now announced that he is thinking of becoming celibate. He says that he feels it is what God would want him to do...is this the last straw???

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 11:00am
Definitely the last straw.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 12:12pm

oh good lordy ... next thing you know, your bf is going to be joining some 'born again' cult somewhere (ha!)... and will you be asking 'is this the last straw?'

Just the fact that he's "thinking of becoming celibate" would be more than enough to say ENOUGH ... because clearly, what he values is no longer what you value.

Tara, please ACCEPT that he's no longer the same guy you started dating 5 years and cut him loose ... and allow yourself to meet someone who has the same goals and values as you do ... b/c, despite the investment you have in this relationship, he's not that guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:47pm

Does he also believe that God lives in outer space and that he is going to be saved in his giant spaceship?

I think he must have had a lobotomy while he was away and they removed the part of his brain that controls rational thought. Or maybe they removed the part a little lower that makes him a man?

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2005
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 6:16pm

Wow, that sounds like a pretty drastic life change. The things that he suggest you do, do you do any of them? It sounds like he is slowly wanting to dominate you and if your not on board, he'll throw a hissy fit. If your terrified at the sound of spending the rest of your life with some one like this, I know 4 years is a big investment but maybe you should move on. But if you talk to him and ask him to compromise with things like more time with you and work from there on everything else then maybe if he is willing to compromise with you. Maybe talking to him about it will show him that your not happy with things, and seeing that your not happy, if he cares and loves you, maybe he will change. I know words are easier than actions, but it may be worth a try. Good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 3:06am
ugh. love yourself enough to get away from this man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 10:35am
Hi!
Please, please don't waste anymore time on this relationship! Trust me, I've been there, it won't work, and you'll end up feeling unloved and lone. Trust your intuition! You're right!