Break off amazing relationship because of Meth past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Break off amazing relationship because of Meth past?
1
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 1:06am

So, I’m head over heels in love with my boyfriend of 6 months. I’m just enjoying life with him so fully--laughing, connecting on deeper and deeper levels every day; we have so much in common; we can talk about anything, etc. We never turn on the TV – because it’s too much better to just talk and laugh. We have amazing physical chemistry; he takes good care of me, wants to be there for me more and more… wants to take steps toward a future, is crazy romantic and thoughtful every day. I know he really loves me, and he appreciates me for all the things I want to be appreciated and loved for. He really, really “gets me,” and I get him, and I love him -- I’ve been very, very happy.

I’m in deep, but he revealed something about his past this weekend that is making me uneasy, scared, etc. and for the past 2 nights I haven’t been sleeping, and feeling really sick inside and I haven’t talked to anyone because I don’t want to make him look bad or turn anyone against him, but I just really want feedback.

Lately, he’s been opening up more about how his marriage dissolved (about a year ago). At first, and from the beginning he said they broke up she was cheating on him… which he still holds to. But then, he said that in addition to the cheating, she’d previously been accusing him of abusing prescription medications, but he wasn’t. (He had a prescription for a back issue, and I think there may be truth to her accusation.) Then, on Saturday night, he told me that he was struggling with a meth addiction for that last year of their relationship – so when she was accusing him of prescription drug abuse, she was so wrong – but he really was on meth.

He says he’s not done it for over a year, but the fact that this has EVER been in his world, really scares me. He was in a house with 5 kids (between hers and his) at the time this was going on, and this was only a few years ago. How do you get into something that bad at our age? How do I know he won’t do this stuff again in his future? He says he was hanging around some bad guys (his ex’s brothers/cousins) and that he is away from that lifestyle now. At the time, I tried really hard not to overreact, because I want him to keep talking and telling me the truth about his past, but I feel really sick about it. Now, I know we need to talk about it again, but I’m wondering if there is really anything to talk about? I have a 7 year old daughter, and I’m worried that it’s stupid to continue forward with someone with a red flag this intense.

Walking away would be so unbearably painful for me, I almost can’t think about; but I have my daughter to think about too.  How scared should his past make me? (E.g. how likely is he to start doing this again? Could it really just stay in the past?) I do trust him, and I don’t think he would do anything to intentionally hurt me, but people get sketchy when they are on those drugs, and if he ever went back to that – I couldn’t be with him –and I think it could be even more painful if I had to leave a year or further down the road. I can see us 5 years down the road and married when I’m slapped even harder in the face with the fact that there were signs early on. I haven’t been this in love, ever before. Is it stupider to turn your back on something incredible out of fear of how the past will impact the future (ignoring the amazing present), or is it stupider to enjoy the present, when perhaps the past and future will bite me later and make me an idiot? Do I break off the most amazing relationship I’ve ever had because of what “may happen” in the future?

Thanks in advance,

Leslie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

That's a tough one. If it were me, I'd read up on meth addiction and how other people have recovered from it. I would ask him a lot more questions. "How long did you do meth? Why did you quit? How confident are you that you'll never take it again? How did you quit? Did you go to any NarcAnon meetings? 

Let him know that if the day ever came that he used any narcotics, that you would end the relationship. Be honest of your fears. 

After receiving the information, you'll have to decide if continuing with him will be worth the risk. Basically all relationships are a leap of faith. Only time will tell if a person will continue to treat you well throughout a lifetime, without dealbreakers. Good luck.