Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
4
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 5:51pm
I have been dating "B" for almost two months. I know I want to end the relationship. "B" is showing that he has a bad temper and is very controlling. I have asked him not to get so upset over "little" things and told him that I am not comfortable when he can't control his temper (throwing his hands/fists around, swearing, slamming things, etc). However, nothing has changed and I'm not out to try to change him. I haven't talked to him for the last couple days and am having a very hard time trying to figure out what to say. If I tell him its just not working out I'm sure he'll ask why, but I don't want him to get defensive and upset when I tell him it's because of his temper...I don't want to play the "blame game." If anyone has any advice on what I should/could say it would be greatly appreciated. My biggest fear is that he won't take "I don't want to see you anymore" for what it is and will try to talk me into staying with him. Please help... Thanks in advance!! ~M
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 6:14pm

I think that the best thing to do would be to say that after dating for a couple months, you just don't think the two of you are right for each other and you've decided that you don't want to see him anymore. I would not get into specifics and I'd do it over the phone just in case--you can't be too careful.

Have a friend come and sit with you while you do it so you will be less likely to be drawn into a "discussion" with him. Just state your piece, let him know that while you're sorry it didn't work out, you enjoyed getting to know him and you wish him the best. If he starts to try to change your mind, just say that your decision is firm, and if he keeps going, you may need to just hang up on him. You might even have your friend stay over just in case.

Good luck, I know this isn't easy but you're doing the right thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 7:12pm

I agree with Sheri ... only I'd say do it in person ... in a public place, like a park or take a walk with him. I only say this, on doing in person and in public because ... he's going to be less likely to lose him temper in public ... as well as less likely, IMO, to want to SEE YOU to talk it out. Do it in person, he wont be as inclined to keep calling you, wanting to see you or whatever. Total "case closed!"

As for << My biggest fear is that he won't take "I don't want to see you anymore" for what it is and will try to talk me into staying with him. >>

Well, if you know this is what you want ... he can try to talk you out of it until he's blue in the face. But, you stick to what you know is best for you and say "I'm asking that you RESPECT my decision."

As for what to say, I'd just say something along the lines of "I've enjoyed but ... I think we're too different for this relationship to go any further." You don't have to get into details on his temper. He KNOWS he has a temper. He doesn't need for you to point it out. It's up to him to get a handle on it (and likely, this isn't the first time someone has broken up with him for this reason).

If he presses for details on your differences, just say "I'm just a more mellow person" ... don't make it about him or it will likely put him on the defensive. Just keep it about YOU, your needs, your reasons.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 10:44pm
Thanks for your advice. It was very helpful. I decided to make a phone call to "B" (I have a two year old daughter so I wouldn't have time to talk in person with "B" until Mon. night due to the holiday and not wanting her to be present during our "talk".) I told him that as much as I enjoyed our time together I noticed we had differences I wasn't comfortable with, and therefore, didn't want to continue our relationship. He did ask for details, and I tried explaining to him that that wasn't important because they were just insecurities I had and I didn't want to make him feel like he needed to change anything about himself. He continued to press me for details and told me how he thought we were in love (YIKES...I never said that-we haven't even been dating two months). I told him that it takes me a very long time to tell someone I love them, and I didn't see us getting to that point and nor did I think it would be fair to him if I wasn't honest and forthright with my feelings. Then, he gave his "sob story" about how he's always being hurt by girls. I told him those were not my intentions and I would just end up hurting him more if I was to put this off and asked that he respect my decision. He said he did, but then continued explaining how he thought we should stay in the relationship. It was getting so annoying because no matter how many times I stood my ground he argued. I ended up telling him I had another call just so I could end the conversation. That was only 30 min. ago and he's already called twice. I am glad I didn't meet him in person because I couldn't imagine how much worse he would be. Is it wrong for me to not answer his calls now? I said what I had to say...now what? Thanks again!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:45pm

Good for you for making the call and standing your ground...I'm sure it wasn't easy to do.

No, you're not wrong for not answering his calls. If he continues to call, blocking him might be a good idea (if that's possible--if he's calling your cell it may not be possible, but if it's your home phone, it may be).