Breaking up with a "nice guy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Breaking up with a "nice guy"
9
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 6:37pm

My bf and I have been together for a year and a half now. He's a very nice man, always helping me with chores, taking care of me, etc. He tries to make me happy, but the problem is that I'm just NOT. I don't know why. I think it's because he shares so little of my intrinsic interests. He's happy in a very small world, and I want to see the bigger picture. He wants me to stay at home and be (eventually) his little wifey and a mommy for his children. I'm not ready for that life.

How do I go about breaking it off with such a nice guy? He has the best intentions for us; he's honest and caring. He wants someone to share this life with, and he deserves someone great. But I'm convinced that I'm not that someone. To complicate things, his family is so happy that he's found someone to love, they treat me like their own, for which I'm very grateful. But unfortunately, I find myself dreaming of when and how I can escape this relationship, which I feel is suffocating me slowly.

When we've had fights, I've tried to leave the house and stay at my parents' place, but he won't let me go. He absolutely will not let me leave him. I feel trapped.

He wants to ask me to marry him next spring, but I'm terrified. I don't want it to get that far. I feel like I'm living a lie by staying with him. What do I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:28am
Honesty! He's missing out the same as you are by wasting time in a dead end relationship. I must admit it worried me when you said he absolutely will not let you leave. Maybe I've seen too many movies about controlling men that turn violent. I truely hope thats not the case. I'd tell him as soon as possible that you do not want the same thing. Then both of you can get on with your lives. The longer you stick it out the further away both of your soul mates get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 11:30am

This is the exact example of a nice guys finishing last, which is what you are making him believe when you do break it off with him, I really dont think you should BS in this situation with the "its not you its me" lie instead I really think you should keep it real with him, he will definatly be hurt and wont understand at first but he will respect you as a phenomenal woman later for being honest and upfront about your feelings and not stringing him along.

Just tell him how you really love him, but you are not in love with him and that the relationship for you can't go any further from this point. Tell him about the intrestric intrest that he brushes off as just one of those things are important to you and that you need someone who feels the same way.
Just remember that seeing how he is a "nice guy" he deserves a HONEST answer NOT an "nice answer" you can atleast leave him with his respect.

Hope this helps girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 12:13pm
My advice to you is to just be honest with him. Don't tell him that you aren't "in love" with him anymore because that's kind of a vague answer and he'll wonder what happened and what went wrong. Tell him that you 2 are at different places in your lives. He wants marriage and kids and you aren't ready for that yet, you want to explore your options and discover more about yourself. I think a major reason why you aren't "feeling it" anymore is because you guys are just at different points in your lives with different wants. I think you know what you need to do, you are just having a hard time doing it. I completely understand, it's never easy to break up with someone. Sometimes I think the person that has to do the breaking up has it the toughest because that person has to make the tough decision and come up with the courage to actually follow through fully knowing that they do still care about the other person but it's just that it isn't the right time or person for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 5:11pm

Thanks, everyone. You're right, he deserves honesty. I don't want to do this during the holidays, but after New Year's, I think I'll tell him we need to have a sit-down and seriously talk. We'll see if we can continue after we discuss what's going on.

You know, I've tried telling him that I'm unhappy, but he trivializes the things that I say bother me, telling me that he's "just joking" when he teases me (or my favorite: when I ask him to be a little more supportive about college, he says that it's my choice to go to school, like it's wrong to want to educate myself.) I tell him that stuff still bothers me, and it escalates into a big argument over how I FEEL and his selfishness. Of course, he thinks I'm the selfish one, spending all that time doing homework, research, studying, blah blah. Maybe I am, but I believe that we all can be selfish about certain things, but it's important to support each other in the things each is interested in.

Last night, I told him I'd be done Christmas shopping and home by about 6:00. I walked through the door at 6:15 and the first thing he says is, "Hi, late one." When I told him later how much it bothered me that he nitpicks on stuff like that (C'mon, I was 15 minutes late for crying out loud!), he said, "I was just joking!" Well, he didn't smile or laugh, so how am I supposed to figure that out?

He picks on the little stuff he doesn't like over and over and over until I feel like I'm going to freak out at him and say stuff I don't mean. He just can't let me be ME, I have to fit into the mold of what he wants in a woman. This is part of why I don't think it will work. Anyone else have the same experience? Is it inevitable that all women have to pare down their personalities to fit what a man desires, or can we be ourselves and actually find someone who will accept the real person inside?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 7:12pm

After reading this, you aren't breaking up with a "nice guy" you're breaking up with a man who criticizes and puts down everything you want in life and makes everythign that is important to you a joke.

Hugs and good luck. Be strong. And print out your last post. He's NOT a good guy, if he does all that...on a somewhat consistent behavior.

Heck, I told my xbf (now bf, back again) I was going to school and asked if he could look in on my dog for me. His first words out of his mouth was, "I'm really proud of you for going back to school". THAT is the type of support and kindness you deserve.

Be strong. find someone who'll be more supportive of the life you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 2:09pm

Thank you for replying to my post. I read back over what I'd wrote these last few days, and you have a very good point: he does criticize me a lot. He comes by it honestly, (from his mother) and I know he doesn't realize he does it, but I can't handle it anymore. I have to second-guess everything I do (or want to do) just so I can decide if he'll find it suitable, in his opinion. That's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him to keep pretending everything is okay between us.

It's constant, he never stops: Last night, my mom called and asked if I'd like to help her finish up her Christmas shopping tonight after work. We're not meeting until 6:00ish, so that means he and I will have time for dinner and then I'll go w/Mom until probably 9:00. When I got off the phone, he looks over at me with a grumpy look on his face and says, "So now you're going shopping tomorrow night?" It's the holidays, and I still have one gift to pick up for him... I suppose we have been very busy lately and haven't had a lot of "together" time, but get off my back already!

Wow. I never realized how much he does criticize me and everything I do or want to do. Once, I brought up the notion that I'd like to go back to Europe for a vacation sometime, and he got a distasteful look on his face and told me he'd never want to go there. I can't imagine my life with this man if I marry him. I'll never get to do anything that interests me without a fight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 3:18pm

Wow, yeah. I hope you hang onto those thoughts, until you can walk away. I know it's hard, because you do still care/love him. But definitely keep all those thoughts there.

Ugh. BTW, I was like that (trying to change) and I recall my bf telling me he wants to go to Mexico and I was like, "yuck. I'd never go". Jeez. that's horrible. Although, I really don't want to go. but i could've said it in a MUCH more pleasant way.

I would say......just type a list of the things he does that hurts you. that makes you second-guess yourself. that makes you walk on eggshells around him. and read that when you are ready to let him go, and then dump him. every person deserves much more than he's offering.

hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 12-27-2005 - 8:57am

Hon, your guy doesn't sound "nice" at all... he sounds manipulative and controlling.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:53pm
Hi brillig25. You shouldn't probably "sit down and talk" with your boyfriend, he will react negatively. Ask yourself if, after laying it all out for him, if he would respond by saying, "yeah, I guess you are right" or if he would say something less considerate. Hopefully you have a support network (a couple friends, a coworker) -- honestly, I would plan your trip to Europe with a friend, borrow the money if necessary or charge it (I am not assuming that you are poor, but a trip to Europe costs money!), explain what is going on, and someone somewhere would probably be willing to help you out. You'd have a blast, too, and you probably need it. Who cares about the debt -- honestly, you are doing something good for yourself. Either be absolutely firm with him that you are going away for a while, or don't tell him at all. Sorry, but that's how it is! Yes he is probably a decent, considerate guy, but you already know that you're going to have to end the relationship, even if it takes something extreme and a little deceit. All's fair in love and war. This is coming from a guy who once didn't want a relationship to end... Hope this helps, and good luck. M