broken up for three weeks.......
Find a Conversation
broken up for three weeks.......
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:19pm |
I am angry that my ex bf does not take the breakup i initiated three weeks ago. I deleted my phone numbers so he could not contact me. I have time after time told him what i wanted in a relationship and have not gotten it. I had been patient for four years and finally i decided there has to be something better out there! i told him not to call me cause i would not call him back. he called a week later, said he missed me and i did not call him back. saying i miss you is just not good enough! he does not seem to "get it". he even called and invited me and my son for easter dinner, said he missed me again, a day before easter, i left a message declining the invitation. i feel mean but feel this is the only way for him to realize i am serious about what i want and if he cannot give me the commitment i deserve, we should move on. advice on if i am doing the right thing or just being mean?

idiane32...
Like so many women who visit this and other ivillage boards, you've fallen into the I WANT CLOSURE Trap! PG doubts you'll get this.
The moment you cut off contact WITH ANY MAN....that's our permission slip to date somebody else! We don't have to explain why or even apologize...BECAUSE YOU'VE ENDED THINGS!
Besides....can you really expect THIS MAN to 'get serious about his feelings' just because you've turned him down? If he has other options, he'll probably resort to one or two?
Pianoguy
idiane32...
PG has a large grin on his face today. Simply because your perception of how the male sex should behave comes from a woman's point of view!
Whether you realize it or not...you've brought up an interesting issue concerning the definition of "a real man?"
You obviously believe that ALL MEN should be honest and tell it like is whether a woman's feelings are going to be hurt or not? . But from a male standpoint...if we know a woman is going to overreact and GO BALLISTIC after she gets the bad news (from us), we'll often avoid the subject!
Is this fair to you? DEFINITELY NOT!
Is this the way many "real men" behave? ABSOLUTELY!
Look!
If the phone calls (from this...err...gentleman) are starting to bother you, dismiss them quickly with: "I CAN'T TALK NOW" and then hang up! Eventually...one of two things will happen:
1. You'll stop getting the phone calls OR
2. You'll have to get some straight answers once the idiot realizes you've had enough!
BUT PLEASE....keep in mind one thing before you 'beat up on all of us'???
If you're honestly interested in a lifelong partnership with someone, your definition of LOVE has to be IN SYNC with HIS! Not just the way you assume it should be? So this requires a little compromise from your side and his?
And if one partner isn't interested in compromising...your union is already doomed!
I still think you're ticked off because you didn't get closure, but as you indicated earlier: I'M PROBABLY THINKING LIKE A MAN WOULD THINK?
Pianoguy
being honest is one thing, but saying absolutely nothing is another. So what your saying is men run instead of telling the truth? Is that what you do to someone you tell i love you? does not seem fair
tell me mr. relationship expert(who is not in a relationship) or make it all a woman's fault?
Without good communication, you have nothing. Telling LIES in a relationship, be it intimate or platonic, proves insecurity and unfairness. Expecting people to modify their lives around that is just completely assinine, PG. were you inbred or something?
*ahem*
D-
I was in a similar sitch with my bf of 3 yrs (now 5). When we started dating, he had no job, didn't finish high school, and didn't do much with his time. Although lazy, he was an amazing, and caring person. I pushed for him to get his GED, he did. I pushed for him to work, and that's where the difficulties happened. I felt, that if he in fact wanted to get married, and have a family, then that's what he would work toward. I pushed and pushed for him to get a job, thinking that he wasn't trying hard enough, when in fact, he was doing all HE could with what he had. I'll agree with PG that we do try and handle things more from a woman's perspective, but if they love us, they'd do anything, right?
Also, it sounds like HE needs the closure, not you. Have you bluntly told him why you've left?
Why get angry and be like "I can't talk now!" instead of politely declining invitations to dinner, etc. Props to you for trying to keep things amicable at best. A bit of advice, If you want to remove yourself completely, make sure that's what you really want to do. Sometimes, when we don't see change as quickly or the way we like, we'll instinctively try and "drop the bad habit." Keep in mind that everyone moves at their own pace, and what you might do in a situation, may not be what he would do. Do you really want him out of your life, or is there hope that he will "come around?" If you want to remove yourself, stop taking the calls. If he's still interestedm just the mere fact that you answer is enough to keep him calling, regardless of what you may tell him. you also need to think of WHY you answer when he calls. If you are hoping that he's going to come around, then maybe what you guys need to do is sit down and really discuss what your expectations are in a relationship. everyone's are different to an extent, and he may feel more strongly than you do on some things, where you are more lenient in some areas, or vice versa. I'm actually trying to get my man to do the same, he swears it's relationship suicide, but I disagree. I mean, there will obviously be some conflit in that kind of situation, but what better way to resolve it.
I know how it feels to not get what you want when you want it. I'm in the middle of it again, and trying painfully to deal, rather than run away. Another thing to do is set small scale goals. (I stopped pushing for a wedding awhile ago, and recently he's been talking about it. makes me giggle like a little girl.)
I made the mistake of dumping my bf after I got too frustrated to deal with his lack of work, or as it seemed to me, lack of desire to work. (does anyone WANT to work, really?)
I dumped him jsut beacause I didn't want to deal with it, and while it did help me to figure out some things, I had to hit absolute rock bottom to realize them.
pay no mind to pianoguy, he sounds like a jerk. I'm not judgemental or anything, I'm just not too cool with guys that try and glorify their jerky behavior and blame it on "having to deal with" women. If you don't like it, don't deal with it.
Men are just as bad as women are. Seriously.
No, you're not being mean...you're doing what's necessary for you to move on. Block him from contacting you.
And not to speak for PG, but I don't think he's saying that how many men behave is a GOOD thing...just that it is what it is.
Sheri
I was just reading this post from start to finish. I just wanted to take a minute and say the I think PG is just trying to offer an honest male perspective. It doesnt mean thats how he lives his life or that he thinks this behavoir is acceptable.
Piano Guy has offered me some great advice over the past 6 months on this board and through personal emails. So lets try to take a step back and calmly look at what he's writing. Sheri was the only other one that could see that.
I too have been in a relationship for 11 months with a non committer. If a committment was rated as a one for no committment and a 10 for a total committment, Id say right about now Im at an 8. Which is further than I was a few months back.
Piano guy offered me advice on stepping back, asking what I wanted for, and patience. I expressed my feeling for this man to him, I told him what I wanted and Ive been very patient. Have I gotten it all yet? NO Will I ever.....Im not sure. But I did tell him until I did I will not actively seeking dates, but I wont continue to turn them down either.
Your post actually frightened me a bit and left me thinking. You see I decided to continue this realtionship in hopes that I would get this committment someday, but I also have had nightmares of waking up in 5 years at the same point we are now!!
I feel for you, that you put so much time and effort into this and still havent got what you wanted. And I agree with you, that if this man truly loved you he would have offered you what you wanted to hold onto this relationship, yet if he cant offer that for whatever reason, then youve done the right thing by giving up.
idiane32...
First...PG would appreciate it if you'd COOL IT WITH THE SARCASM! It's not necessary.
I'm expressing one man's opinion....which (as most ivillagers know by now) can be accepted, rejected or completely ignored. You're getting a male viewpoint...which may or may not be the opinion you want to hear?
Now if your b/f refuses to say ANYTHING to you...or make a commitment...it's probably because he knows you'll NEVER let him forget the promise...or even give him the opportunity to change his mind? .
So we'll often keep our mouths shut!
To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's line in the movie: A FEW GOOD MEN:
Some women "can't handle the truth!"
Pianoguy
It is not sarcasm, it's truth
some men cant handle the truth either
Thanks for all you advice