Can a Commitment Phobe Ever Change?

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Registered: 10-01-2004
Can a Commitment Phobe Ever Change?
10
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:56pm

I am writing because I have been in touch with ex for the past two months, we email, text and talk on the phone almost daily. We dated for a year and broke up almost two years ago, I had been thinking about him a while ago and wrote him a letter and we have been in touch since. We are both single and have discussed the possibility of us getting back together. I am in currently in Chicago and moving back home (where he lives) in mid-December due to some family reasons, I am going home next week for the holidays and we are going to see each other for the first time then.

When we first started talking again he apologized for the past and said he had gotten scared because we had been getting serious and that he messed things up by breaking up with me. Well, last night we talked and I asked him if he felt he had changed about his commitment issues, he said that he thought he had gotten better but that it had always been as issue with him. Then he goes into how he is looking for a new apartment soon and how work has been keeping him busy etc. and I got the impression that a relationship wasn't really high on the priority list because of him being "busy" with that. He is busy at work of course but no busier than 99% of the other people out there, he doesn't travel for work either and frankly in my opinion sort of uses that as an excuse. Work itself was never an issue in our relationship, but I do realize that many of the things he did were his way of keeping me at arm's length almost, for example, we never really hung out with his friends that often (we were always with my friends or we were alone) and I never met his mother (who lives in the same city). Basically I felt he was very involved in my life but I never felt like I had a serious "place" in his.

I am just wanting some advice on what to do, on one hand we have both said let's see what happens after spending time together and discussing things more seriously, which I agree on. There is no need to rush anything. But on the other hand, I don't want to spend a lot of time with him and get attached if he still has these commitment issues, he is 33 (I am 28). He also has not dated anyone seriously since me, I have had one relationship since which ended about a year ago. Even though I usually let him initiate calling me etc. I don't want him 100% back in my life too easily especially if he can't give me what I feel I need.

Would just like opinions on the situation...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:14pm




I think commitment issues are excuses people use because they do not have the feeling you are long term potential. I have used commitment issues before and had even used a 2 month rule and had no relationship or friendship for that matter last longer. When it did I was surprised and still would try things to run them off. I used the "I'm a single mom, work, active with my kids school and have not time to date thing" You name it I probably did it. When it came to my current guy I let him know of my commitment issues and that most times people do not last more then two months because of my work schedule and the sorts. He was ok lets be friends and see how it goes. Here we are now 6 mos and it is a long distance relationship we see each other at least two weeks out the month total and time or activities has never been an issue. That is why I feel when it is right all those things become null and void because when you have the one no need to come up with excuses because things fit and work. He will make the time to be there.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:34pm
Thanks for your reply, in his case at least, I don't think it has to do with lack of interest although I'm sure many people use that as an excuse when they simply aren't interested. He is interested in seeing what happens and has said he still has feelings for me, he just threw me off a little bit with what he said last night. We haven't seen each other in almost two years so I'm not expecting any grand gestures at this point, things won't be "real" until we see each other and spend some time together. I guess I just need to see what his actions will be once we are actually together, he is definitely making an effort to see me a lot the week I am in town so I am happy about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:35pm

Hi, I don't think that all guys that say they have commitment issues use it as a reason to get out of the relationship. I think some have some issues that they need to resolve before they are able to get serious with you.

I would be cautious about your ex. I would have a serious talk with him and see what changes he's made to get past these issues. I would also recommend reading the book He's Scared She's Scared. I found it very helpful for understanding men with commitment issues.

What happened when you broke up - was it mutual? Did he say anything that might be a "red flag" for getting back together? Did you have contact with your ex after the break-up? Was your moving a factor?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:35pm

A true c'phobe *can* change, but only with lots of hard work with a good therapist.

But while I do believe c'phobia is a real phenomenon, I think it's over-diagnosed. Does he have commitment issues with other things in his life? A true c'phobe has trouble committing to *anything*...whether it's a job, friends, a place to live...etc.

Your ex may just not be all that interested in making a relationship a priority, as opposed to having commitment issues.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:49pm
I agree that commitment phobia is a real-phenomena but it also can be over-diagnosed and used as an excuse too much. I guess the only way for your ex to know is if he went to see a therapist about the problem and if he tries to really work through it. I believe though sometimes men use this as an excuse when they aren't really that into you and they can make you believe and be really convincing that they are into you, even when they are not that much. I think people can thoroughly convince themselves and try to talk themselves into being into you but something deep inside is tell them otherwise. I've done this before too (tried to convince myself things were right when they weren't). Maybe he's still unsure about you, knows that he really likes you and cares about you but still has some doubts. If he has no doubts he could be actually a true commitment-phobe. The only way to tell if he has doubts or not is to ask him but sometimes he could be fibbing to himself and you. Be careful with this one and make sure he takes some actions to change this and if you begin having doubts again about his intentions and you are unhappy, then leave the situation for good.


Edited 11/15/2005 4:51 pm ET by biochic2004
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Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:32pm

Well, the break-up itself wasn't on very good terms, it was sort of mutual but he basically decided it was over. We had been rocky for a few weeks prior and I finally just asked him if he felt he was in love with me (ironically on Valentine's Day), he said that he felt that love was a strong emotion and that he wasn't in love with me, I told him I thought we had reached a standstill in our relationship because I needed someone to be able to feel that for me after how long we had been dating. We talked for maybe a month or so after the break-up but that was about it, I told him I couldn't be friends because it was too difficult for me and then we just lost touch.

To be honest, we probably would have kept dating for a while, we always had a great time together, but I knew I wouldn't be happy knowing he wasn't that serious about me. He apologized for all of this when we started talking again and I'm not angry, but I am still understandably a little bit hesitant about things. He said he had been thinking of me and trying to find me but couldn't, he had no way of knowing where I lived, especially after moving halfway across the country, the only reason I found him was because I took a chance he was still living at the same address and he was.

There is a lot to talk about when we see each other and I'm taking things slowly. He mentioned wanting to meet up with my friends as well when we were out next week and I told him that would have to wait until I felt comfortable with what was happening with us. I am definitely more assertive than I was when we dated and he is respectful of my boundaries.

My moving wasn't related to him directly, it was just my feeling that I was in a rut and needing a fresh start and I feel I accomplished that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:42pm

Ironically he is stable everywhere else but his romantic relationships. He fessed up to being scared before and apologized for hurting me, I do think it is more of his issues with commitment than anything else although he does have sort of a "carefree" approach to life and doesn't really push himself to get more out of life even though he wants more and I think this "whatever" attitude transcends into his relationships.

I guess I just need to sit down and talk all of this out with him, the more I write about things the more I see we have a lot to discuss and I'm not going to put myself in a bad position of being hurt again. I need to have the mentality that he has to prove his intentions to me, he knows I'm hesitant about things but I do want to give him the chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 8:54am

Hey, I think the other posters have given you some great advice and made some really good points. So I'm just going to share a couple of my experiences with you.

First is the first man I really loved my high school sweetheart. We were together for almost seven years. When I first started having doubts about our relationships I chalked it up to me being a commitment-phobe or thinking that the grass is always greener. I tried to ignore my gut feeling that I should end it. But it wouldn't be denied after about a year of torturing myself trying to deal with my "commitment issues" I finally just ended it. Years later I realized that I loved him but we really weren't all that compatible and that it takes more then love to make a marriage a happy and that's what my gut was trying to tell me.

My next love I meet when I was about 26 and we were together for three years. I thought I'd finally gotten it right. After about a year I started askign him about marriage. He'd talk about it but he wouldn't commit to anything. So even though my own experience had taught me that if you aren't ready to commit after a year or two you never will be I brushed it aside and told myself that he had "commitment issues" and that if I just hung in there he'd get over them. About three or four months before we hit the three year I finally got my nerve up to hear what I didn't want to hear and I told him he needed to decide if he saw marriage in our future or not.

About a month later the reply was he just couldn't see marriage in his future right now. It wans't that he didn't want to marry me it was that he just wasn't ready to be married. He knew he had to let me go and he did. It hurt both of us but we managed to remain friends. At least until he meet the waoman he did want to marry about a year later. She didn't like him being friends with an ex and we stopped socializing. I called to see how he was shortly after 9-11. He was in the national guard and I wanted to check in on him. He was married, he'd been called up, she was still at home in Atlanta. You see it wasn't really that he was afraid of commiting or getting married it was that I wasn't the right person for him. He didn't see that at the time but I did and I just didn't want to face it. But the fact he was married a year later shows he wasn't a "commitment-phobe" it's not something that evaporates overnight when you meet the right person.

In most cases the reality is being afraid to commit to someone isn't usually about being afraid to commit period it's usually just being afraid to commit to that person. The reality is that he may care very much for you but his gut is telling him you aren't the one and that's VERY confusing. I've experienced it first ahnd and I can tell you it's tough to sort it out. When you care about someone, like them, even love them but you're gut just keeps telling you "NO".

Obviously, I can't know from a few posts what is really going on with him, but if I were you I'd leave it as just friends and keep your heart out of it. On top of the fact he probbaly isn't a commitment-phobe, it's usually a mistake to go back anyway. There's so much baggage from it, it's easier to get through it with someone knew then reharsh it with the person who helped create it. Some doors are best left closed.

There's a book that came out recently. I haven't read it but from what I hear of ti you might find it helpful to get over this. "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: A Smart Girls Break-Up Buddy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:16am

Thank you for your advice, I do genuinely believe he was scared before and I guess for me the way to tell this time is just to discuss things with him in person. The question is how long will I give him to sort out whatever he's feeling.. I plan on dating around until he figures it out (or until I walk away or meet someone else). I just need to give myself a mental timeline and stick to it. He is old enough to know what he is feeling and my dad always told me you can't change a man so I'm definitely not going into this thinking I can change him, if he has changed (or wants to change) it will have to be something he does inside himself on his own.

I think I'm hesitant enough to keep these thoughts/doubts in the back of my head and I don't think I will dive into this head first. There are definitely other guys out there that could be a possibility and I know my ex is definitely not the one and only for me at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 4:06pm

Well, it certainly sounds like you're using your head and that's good.

Though I will add this, generally a guy (or a girl) who can't make up his mind is just a guy who's afraid of letting go and saying, "Thanks, but no thanks." I can't say I've ever seen a "Maybe" of this sort turn into a "Yes". But I know it has happened on occassion.

At the same time... I know sometimes we just need to see something through so we can be comfortable with our choice. It sounds like maybe that's what you need at this stage. You need to know you gave it your all. BTDT. :) The important thing is your being smart about it.