can ex lovers be friends??
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| Sun, 05-08-2005 - 6:08pm |
hey all, this is the first time ive ever posted a message on here but i often read the message board and believe i can get some help as i appreciate the advice everyone offers here.
I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of almost 4.5yrs.It has been 3 months ever sinse we broke it off but i think i am still in love with him, although i do not know how he feels.we still talk to eachother everyday and see eachother just as friends, but i find that it hurts me alot to see him next to me just pretending or maybe in reality to be a friend.he says i am his best friend, and i too feel very close to him but i am afraid that is because i am still in love with him.Do you think being just friends will eventually fade out what we had as he is trying to make it, or do you think i will never get over him at this rate?
The truth is no matter how hard i try, i long to be with him.And i know i cannot be with him as i had been before but i do not want to lose out on any time i might get to spend with him otherwise.He does sometimes talk about other women and it always hurts me. I know he is not seeing other women at the moment but i always fear that he will start and that will hurt me alot to the point of helplessness.I dont know what to do, basically at this point i am confused because i dont know where i stand, whether he still wants to be with me or not, and whether i can continue being friends with him.
Please let me know what you think, obviously there is alot more to say about the whole situation for you to fully understand but i dont know where to start.
Thank you

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Hugs.
I hate to say it, but if your, or him, are in love with the other person, or even want more than friendship, then no, ex lovers cannot be friends.
You won't be able to fully move on, nor let go until you distance yourself from him, and realize it'll never happen. The more you talk, hang out, etc, the more you are going to internally HOPE he'll change his mind, or HOPE things will go back to the way it will be, and you'll get hurt big time, the day he tells you about another woman he's dating, or worse, in love with.
I know it's hard, but in order for you to be TRULY friends, you're going to have to step back, let go completely, no contact, move on....and the day you could honestly see him in love with another woman, is the day you can be his friend. Until then, you're just kidding yourself.
Hugs. good luck and stay strong.
~pineapple_girl
Hi,
I agree with pineapple girl, I think that you should distance yourself from him in order to have complete and total closure on that part of your life. If you have managed to move on, yet you are still comparing every man you meet to him (which might not be fair) and thinking about him a lot, I would suggest talking to him about the possibility of getting back together. Not to be harsh, but for all you know he has already moved on and does not want to be more than friends.
Maybe you could talk to him about how you are feeling BEFORE you take any course of action. This way you can know for sure how he feels about you (and the situation), and perhaps it could open up some thoughts and feelings that you didn't even know you had.
As I do not know the full story I might be wrong on this part, but usually when people break up it was for a good reason (essentially...you just don't work together). Therefore what your feeling for your ex might not be love, but something else...such as a longing for a secure and comfortable connection and companionship. Whatever the reason I hope that you fin dyour answer.
Best Wishes :O),
Yvy.
hey guys,
Thank you for your advice, I have been thinking about what pineapple girl said and i think to some point i am living in hope that maybe someday he will want to be with me.But the strange thing is, I have in no way upset him or really given him any reason to behave in this manner ( not wanting to be with me), all the more, i was the one who had a reason, but i didnt, i stuck by him and made myself believe he was only going through a phase because i believed in us and i thought i knew him. To a point I was right, he did snap out of it but in the process ended up making a decision as to not wanting to be with me as somehow he believed he is not good enough for me, is that just an excuse? And is this how standing by someone is supposed to pay off?
At the moment he wants to spend limited time with me and always comes over to spend that little time with me, and still wants to hug me and sit beside me, but what he doesnt want is anything physical or intimate anymore!I mean i dont really understand what he really does want from me, or how he wants me to react to this.
I have thought about cutting off any contact with him but i do not find the courage in me to do it, this is also because there is no way for me to avoid him as we work in the same place and live in the same town not too far from each other.Also i would not know how to tell him because he does know me inside out and know how i exactly react to things and he would know what to say to completely break me into pieces, and i think he would do that.
The problems we had were mainly because of another girl who acquired all his attention and he gave it to her willingly, although according to him this was not the real problem.to him the real problem was my mistrust, and not being able to accept him speaking to her and being with her 24/7. We also had another personal problem which i needed alot of support for and he tried giving it to me but at the same time he kept her present very significantly. I guess this is a whole new tale on its own, but at the end of it all, i dont know i still love him and feel i can get my old man back, the true him, but he says he has changed.
I dont know where i am going with all this or even what i expect you all to say
but i just feel i need to say it and ask for everyones opinion.
Thank you guys for your advice, I am thinking alot about it, just feel really confused even still.
takecare :)
My two cents. He wants your company, enjoys being with you, wants to touch you physically, but wants to back off. He basically wants his cake, and to eat it too.
When I ended things with my bf (we got back together), he asked to remain friends. At first, I said okay, and we'd hang out, although, he'd want to hold my hand, cuddle, he'd touch me intimately, etc, but no sex no kissing. I told him I couldn't do that anymore, as we're friends, and unless he treats ALL his female friends like that, to NOT treat me differently. His reply, "but you're different" and I just said, "no, I'm not different, cuz I'm nothign more than a friend".
Then later, he'd only call me when he wanted to, or reply to me when he wanted to, he wouldn't want to hang out if *I* asked him, our 'friendship' was basically there ONLY when HE wanted it. So, I told him that was the end of our friendship, cuz I don't treat my friends like that, nor do I accept being treated like that. He didn't get it. I explained to him what "friend" meant, and I said, you're not the type of person I'd want for a friend, because you're selfish and think only of yourself.
That was the end of everything.
The point is, BECAUSE *I* allowed him to treat me whatever way he wanted, he did. When I started putting my foot down about certain behaviors, all of a sudden, he was only around when HE wanted to be around. AND he didn't treat me like a friend should be treated. He treated me like some OBJECT that when he was bored, he'd take out and play with, and when he was done, put it away.
Are you being treated like that? are you seeing him on HIS terms only? Is he being selfish and wanting it all? If so, then you have to make some decisions about what you're willing to accept and what you're not.
Are you accepting his behaviors? And are they confusing you? If so, then you have no one to blame but yourself. The point is, people treat us, only as we allow them to. I know you want him in your life, and you're hoping for a change, but for now, why not cut that apron string of "love" and treat him as you'd treat any other man that is ONLY a friend. Meaning, no hugging, no being touchy feely, etc. Tell him no. Tell him to stop. and see what happens.
Personally it sounds like someone or something came into his life and has changed him. The only way he'll change back is if he wants to. And so far, he doesnt' seem to want to. I don't want to assume anything is still going on with that other woman, however, woman can change men. I saw it with my xh. Hugs.
Still I think, your best bet is totally no contact. Otherwise, you'll forever be HOPING.
stay strong
~pineapple_girl
hey you guys,
I do get what you are saying, and come to think of it, it seems pineapple girl might have been in a similiar situation, i wanted to ask, r u still with him or did u get back with him and was he any different. At the moment i do feel like he comes and goes on his terms.He does realise he has hurt me but i know that doesnt solve anything.
I am planning to speak with him when i get a chance as the the moment he has some exams and i dont want to mess things up for him.
You might be wondering why it is that i feel so weak to walk away, the reason is he is my friend and my family in the country i live in at the moment. I moved here to study and have been living away from my family for about 3 years, and we more or less started life here together and kept eachother going through hard times and were always there for eachother. we also lived together for about 2 yrs and all along he was content and very happy, and made me feel like this is what he wanted and was comfortable.but now i feel like he knew all along that he never wanted this to last too long and it got out of hand before he could do anything.
Anyways at the moment he has many others around him as he lives with his relatives but i still live alone. I have no family or relatives here to spend time with and also dont have any close friends as they have all moved to different places. That is why i say he is my family as well as my friend. I know it may seem like i depend on him but i also know that having him around me somehow makes me feel safe. If i tell him to go away, i will find myself to be all by myself, i do have people i know from places like where i work, but as i mentioned earlier he works there too.
Many people have told me and i know it aswell, love is not enough in a relationship, and i know to some degree i am being stupid and ignorant, buti also at the end of it feel lost without him. he is still there when i need to jus chat, and we still talk to eachother before we sleep and through the day.
To make it worse this is one of the first times i have had to d othis, i did have a bf in my teens but that was nothing close to this. This is the first time i have fallen so deep in love with some and let myself go.
I know i should be stronger and the reason this might be happening is coz i let him get away with it, and i have in the past forgiven him once for cheating on me, which according to him was just a kiss, but in reality was a few make out sessions and had a future meeting arranged with that girl to do whatever she wanted next, but i did forgive him for that and ever sinse that day he promised he would never cheat on me again.According to him he has still kept by that, and sayes tht was not really cheating anyway, but he says i make him pay for what he did years ago till this day.
I have forgiven him for it and have let it go but everytime i was upset with him spending time with this recent girl he would say i am mistrusting him and making him pay for the past, but it was the present i was reacting to.
In all the time he had spent with her and put me aside, he was apparently helping her with major problems in her life, and said she needed more help then me at the time because i was sensible and she was ruining her life if he didnt help her. All this, and later to find out it was all a lie she was telling, and i said to him why else would she lie to us, especially to u, about all this if it was not just an excuse to get you away from me and closer to you. He doesnt seem to understand and all he says is they are just friends and nothing else. Well recently he found out what a liar she was, dont know what about as i dont think he would have told me anyways, but he stopped speaking to her and started ignoring her even though she still kept following him a lost puppy ( do just friends do that) and he told me it was all over between them and he had realised how much he had hurt me.
Just a few days ago he told me they still speak to eachother over the phone. That did hurt me whether it was my place to feel hurt or not. All i could think of was 'she is still in his life'
At the moment i know i probably sound nonsensical but i am just confused about too many things, sometimes i feel whatever he has to offer, i still need him as a friend, on the other hand i know i am damaging myself, and let him think he can do whatever he likes and i will always be here. I just dont know how to make myself see sense.
Hope you all dont feel frustrated by my stupidity, i dont know myself what my reasons are!
Take care and thank you
Hi,
In regards to my life. It's not the same situation as yours. First, my bf doesn't have any other women on the side, secondly, after we agreed it was best not to be friendly, he came back to talk to me. I guess you can say, he realized he was willing to do all I was asking for (which was to make me a priority in his life, and treat me like a gf ALL the time, not just when he saw me).
And we had a long talk, agreed to see how things were in 3 months, and went for it. In the 3 months, he changed everything to what I wanted/needed from him.
THAT is the difference. DBF was willing to change, to make things work. Your bf isn't willing to give up his "friend" or even stop talking to her. He tells you what you want to hear, but doesn't follow through. He felt her problems were more important than you. That's a lot of red flags. And unless he's willing to PROVE and SHOW you that you're #1, I can't see the point of going back to him.
Lastly, I realize you have no one there, and I can understand how frightening that is. And I can't honestly say what I would do in the situation, but this is what I would HOPE to do.
I would hope that I'm not so scared of "being alone" that I'll stick around with someone who'll constantly
~pineapple_girl
hey everyone,
I just thought i would let eveyone know what is going on so far. Firstly pineapple girl i really appreciate your advice, it has made me realise that if i were to leave, i think he wont come back and offer all, which mean he is selfish and i know it. i am still finding it hard and we have given our relationship the name of friendship at the moment but as day goes by im forcing myself to believe it is over and nothing is gonna be the same.
As far as the other girl is concerned, (I cant help myself as i guess i have had alot of history with her), i always ask him if he still speaks to her and he tells me he speaks to her one in a while, but at the end of the day i still have the fear that she will be back or that if he is speaking to someone at an odd hour at night it might be her because she wont stop calling him. I am coming to realise that the problem is him and not her. he should not have encouraged her in the first place and he should not have given me any reason to doubt their relationship as so called friends.
And as days go by i still think about things that have happened in the past and how i just believed them and the reasons, and it just didnt make sense, i mean how could i believe some of the excuses i got, which made me realise i lie to myself. I make myself believe everything as i am too scared to be hurt to the point that i dont know what i would do.
I have decided not to try anymore and that there is no hope for us at all. As fate at the moment wont allow it i cannot move back and have to remain where i am, but it is ok. I think things could be worse right, i mean atleast as day goes by i am realising it is just not meant to be and trying to except it.
I still see him everyday as he makes it a point to come and visit me, we still just hangout as friends, and speak to eachother often.
I dont know what is right or wrong and i know i might not be doing everything right for myself but i dont know what else to do. i could stop talking to him and speniding time with him but i think of it and i feel it is just gonna depress me.
I am going to go home to see my parents for about a month, and maybe things will change then, but i still for some stupid reason carry the fear that this woman will be back and he will start responding to her again. But i cant do anything i know and i just have to let go, when i will be ready for it i dont know, but i do think that we can only really do what we have to do when we think we are ready for it.
Anyways i would like to thank you all for the advice you have given me, i appreciate it alot.
take care
Hugs. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. But as I told a friend of mine, you have to do what you have to do for yourself, RIGHT NOW. Even if it's not the healthiest thing to talk to him everyday, it's what you have to do, RIGHT NOW, to make it there. I bet, if you could leave and chose to leave, you wouldn't NEED his company so much.
So, at least you're being real and for now, doing what you have to do to make it thru the week.
Hugs.Stay strong.
~pineapple_girl
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