can ex lovers be friends??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
can ex lovers be friends??
14
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 6:08pm

hey all, this is the first time ive ever posted a message on here but i often read the message board and believe i can get some help as i appreciate the advice everyone offers here.

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of almost 4.5yrs.It has been 3 months ever sinse we broke it off but i think i am still in love with him, although i do not know how he feels.we still talk to eachother everyday and see eachother just as friends, but i find that it hurts me alot to see him next to me just pretending or maybe in reality to be a friend.he says i am his best friend, and i too feel very close to him but i am afraid that is because i am still in love with him.Do you think being just friends will eventually fade out what we had as he is trying to make it, or do you think i will never get over him at this rate?

The truth is no matter how hard i try, i long to be with him.And i know i cannot be with him as i had been before but i do not want to lose out on any time i might get to spend with him otherwise.He does sometimes talk about other women and it always hurts me. I know he is not seeing other women at the moment but i always fear that he will start and that will hurt me alot to the point of helplessness.I dont know what to do, basically at this point i am confused because i dont know where i stand, whether he still wants to be with me or not, and whether i can continue being friends with him.

Please let me know what you think, obviously there is alot more to say about the whole situation for you to fully understand but i dont know where to start.

Thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 7:36am
i went through the exact same situation, i was living with my ex for 3 years, we broke up because of another woman, who would call all the time, i didnt trust the situation etc..
to make a long story short i was crushed, missed him to death, cried all the time, but i knew that if i continued to talk to him be near him i would never move on. i held on to hope but all that did was hurt when he didnt come back and he moved on before me.
after 2 years of not talking to him and ignoring him when i saw him out, which was extremely hard to do, but we are now really great friends we can actually be friends with none of the emotional attachements
even as hard as it is right now it will get better, easier and you may and hopefully will relize that it was a good decision, it will enable you to find the right person for you. i know that advice doesnt heal the heart break but your friends and family will help ease the pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:34am

I have also been going through your situation with my ex, who actually left me for another woman a month shy of our 2.5 yr anniversary a few months ago.

The month after he left me, we didn't talk at all. It was so hard...like you, we had been best friends, he knew more about me than anybody else does...I thought a part of me had been pulled out from under me. I eventually had an emotional breakdown...sure I had friends and all, but they weren't the same as HIM. People would just coldly tell me to move on, but as bad as it was for me, I needed him to talk to. He saw I'd written about my breakdown on my website and immediately called me after that month of no contact...we've been really close friends ever since. I'm sure feelings get in the way on both of our parts but what keeps me going is I've realized he's not husband material- sure he's fun and makes me laugh like none other, but he had some character issues I just couldn't overlook anymore. I have no desire to actually date him anymore. I do still love him and care about him deeply, but realizing that has helped me separate myself from him in that way and attempt to date other men.

Maybe instead of dwelling on the good times you had together, make a list of all his faults and dwell on those...it helped me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 7:04pm
hey texasgirl, its nice to know you could remain friends with him, i do often try to dwell on his bad points and the nasty things he has done to me, but i still seem to long for him!!!i feel very stupid in so many ways, and i cant at all seem to understand why i feel this way. i mean at the moment i am trying to accept that we r just friends and nothing more but i seem to be suffering in other fields such as sleep and food, etc. for example i cant have a good nights sleep without having a nightmare nowadays and i only manage to sleep like 5 hours or something which i would never be able to live with in usual circumstances. i know this is not healthy for me at all, but the more i think of it all the more it eats me up and the more i want to show her that she cant just come and play around with someones life and then expect nothing to happen to her and she lives happily after causing so much damage, i mean i know it might be an evil thought, but its some what like i want revenge (this may be a harsh word) and i want her to know that she cant just do that to someone. Although dont take me wrong, i do equally blame him and realise he did hurt me voluntarily, but what annoys me is i spoke to her about my pain and hoped she would understand being a woman herself, but instead she played on that and did exactly what i asked her to stop, and made things so much worse. i mean how can one woman not understand the pain of another when expressed so openly.
As far as my ex is concerned i miss him so much, but there is nothing i can do as he believes he is a changed man, and i have given up all hope, but what i cant do is give him up completely.just cant do it!! anyways im sorry if i tire u with my neverending dilema, i tire myself too. it is quite late so i guess i shall force myself to go to bed now, takecare.cya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:51pm
hey u guys, i just wanted to say, i am hopeless, no matter how much i try i am driven to him. I want to be next to him because it just makes me happy, i dont know how and what and why, but i do know that the little time i get with him i am happy. Today i found out that he has started speaking to her frequently again, after everything, nothing mattered and at the end of it he tells me 'get over it' when i was upset he was speaking to her. what he meant was get over everything that happened related to her, like it didnt matter, like he hurt me so what and now its over and yes he still speaks to her so now what! i know all of you have told me the best thing to do is stay away from him, but he makes me happy, he still holds my hand when i need someone, he tries to be my friend, but at the same time he expects me to be too, and accept that he is going to receive phone calls in the middle of the night and it could be her. i just dont know how to accept it, i know i have to, but how do i accept it when she has hurt me so hurt willingly?and if that pain had gone then im sure i would forget it, but her presense brings it all back, and a fear that he will allow it again, i just want someone to understand me, i dont know how to react, whether to tell him it hurts me to know she is present in this manner or whether to just keep quiet about it. is it even my place to feel all this anymore?i just had to tell someone, i know people listen here.takecare

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