Can he ever change?
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| Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:48am |
I think I have some problems... me and my bf have been together for 1 1 /2 months.. I know he's a good bf, he has great opinions, he likes and cares about me, he's reliable and honest. He has many good qualities, he can almost always cheer me up.
But a thing that I'm not so happy about is that he talks about himself and his own interests A LOT!! He can tell me some boring story about his stereo and go on forever. I don't care at all. He really likes to talk, and not as much about me as about him.
But he isn't that serious.. I have recognized that he jokes a lot away all the time. It's not easy to have serious conversations with him, he takes so easy on everything and he's alsmost never talking about his problems. I know his parents don't have the best relationship and that his dad isn't a very good one. Maybe that is why he acts like this.
I want to be able to have serious convos with my bf.. and I guess we can sometimes, but I'm always the one initiating them. I don't want him to laugh everything away.
He jokes a lot, sometimes he even jokes with me.. and I don't appreciate that. Then I become pissed off and he says he's sorry and that I have to stand some jokes. They are not at all mean but I don't always want to hear them.
Another thing is that I miss a romantic side.. he says he cares about me and he give me compliments, but nothing more. No sweet text messages, no surprises.
I miss that.. we live just one house away from each other.. so it's so easy to just stop by, and that makes our dates not very special. You never have the time to miss each other..
Should I tell him that I want him to open up and be serious and that I don't want him to joke about everything? And should I tell him that I want more romance?
A friend of mine was very unsatisfied with her boyfriend and told him all this. After 3 months she suddenly fell in love with him and are now happier than ever.
Is this something that can get better? I can't say I'm in love with this guy really.. sometimes I feel I am and that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. it goes so much up and down all the time.
Please give me some advice!

vivabubble...
Pianoguy is puzzled.
How can you expect to 'connect' with a man that you honestly don't love? It's clear from his self-obsession about his hobbies and lack of 'romanticism' toward you, that the relationship the 2 of you have is 'one-sided!'
I suppose you can always try and divert the conversations the 2 of you have toward a topic that interests you? But this DOESN'T mean he'll follow through! And that will make you even more frustrated than you already are.
Just because the 2 of you are next door neighbors DOESN'T mean you have to see each other on a regular basis! What would happen if you 'distanced yourself' from him for a few weeks? Keep the communication to a minimum (or don't communicate at all) and then see if his behavior changes.
You might be able to (at least) get him to listen to your side of things...and possibly, give him the opportunity to make a few changes in the dull, lifeless, relationship you're currently having together?
GOOD LUCK!
Pianoguy
You've only been together 1.5 months...that's too soon to be in love, anyway, so I wouldn't worry about that.
HOWEVER, it sounds like the two of you are just plain incompatible. Unless you can accept him AS IS, I think it would be best to walk away now, before either of you gets too attached. You can certainly TRY letting him know that you would prefer that he be more serious on occasion and more romantic, but at 1.5 months, he should be putting his best foot forward...so most likely, what you see is what you get! But sure, ask before you break things off, just so you will know you tried. But I think you're asking him to change his personality, so it's not very likely.
Sheri
I agree with Sheri, you might as well leave him. Let me tell you my story.
My xbf was just like what you described at that stage of our r'ship. We were together for three years. As the years went by, he became less jokey about everything, less about himself about everything and more mushy, HOWEVER that still is his personality. Which means, we don't ever have those "deep" talks, I have to initiate everything. I'm the one steering the r'ship all the time, it's a one-way street. It's like, if I don't grab the reins, he'll just let us go off a cliff. We didn't have a connection, nor chemistry, however, we got along great. WE had fun together all the time. He was my best friend.
The reason I am saying, move on, is because, you can't change him. He WILL and COULD change SOME things, but the deep talks will never happen, the chemistry will most likely not appear, he'll joke about things, because he doesn't take life as seriously as you. And he just won't be enough of what you want. And lastly, although you ARE different, you're not complementary different, in the essence that it'll work out. Because you WANT certain things in a r'ship (deep talks, romance, etc), and he can't give that to you, and you'll prolly always be leading him.
I did it for 3 years, because my xbf always got a little better....and I realized, 1. it's not fair to him for me to try to change him as much as I was and 2. I still missed and wanted those deep talks I never got, and missed just having chemistry with a person.
Take your time. It's only been 1 and 1/2 months and surely you need more time and a more in depth look into his past. You need to see what road he has traveled and maybe then this will help you understand who he really is.
Some people just don't want to deal with things that bring them shame or sadness or even anger, so they will tend to either drink, withdrawl from society, drugs, blame everybody else for their bad habits, OR PRETEND LIFE IS NOT SO SERIOUS. Or perhaps he is ADD or ADHD. You may want to research that on another board on here. I guess what I am saying is that I believe there are sooooo many people out there living in a world created by them for a sense of security or protection, even if this world is not healthy for them, it's still an escape.
If I were you, at this point I would not plan on getting serious with him just yet. I would set aside the relationship and try to just "study" him and his actions b/c this may be the only answer to your questions......listen, listen, and listen. You will begin to develop a decision based on him being just him and that's what you really want. He may never be as deep and romantic as you would like him to be. So lay it on the line about what you like in a guy and then step back and let him do his thing. Hopefully he will get it and you'll be happy together, but in any case, you must just listen.
Hope everything works out for you!!