Can he ever change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Can he ever change?
6
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:48am

I think I have some problems... me and my bf have been together for 1 1 /2 months.. I know he's a good bf, he has great opinions, he likes and cares about me, he's reliable and honest. He has many good qualities, he can almost always cheer me up.
But a thing that I'm not so happy about is that he talks about himself and his own interests A LOT!! He can tell me some boring story about his stereo and go on forever. I don't care at all. He really likes to talk, and not as much about me as about him.
But he isn't that serious.. I have recognized that he jokes a lot away all the time. It's not easy to have serious conversations with him, he takes so easy on everything and he's alsmost never talking about his problems. I know his parents don't have the best relationship and that his dad isn't a very good one. Maybe that is why he acts like this.

I want to be able to have serious convos with my bf.. and I guess we can sometimes, but I'm always the one initiating them. I don't want him to laugh everything away.
He jokes a lot, sometimes he even jokes with me.. and I don't appreciate that. Then I become pissed off and he says he's sorry and that I have to stand some jokes. They are not at all mean but I don't always want to hear them.

Another thing is that I miss a romantic side.. he says he cares about me and he give me compliments, but nothing more. No sweet text messages, no surprises.
I miss that.. we live just one house away from each other.. so it's so easy to just stop by, and that makes our dates not very special. You never have the time to miss each other..
Should I tell him that I want him to open up and be serious and that I don't want him to joke about everything? And should I tell him that I want more romance?
A friend of mine was very unsatisfied with her boyfriend and told him all this. After 3 months she suddenly fell in love with him and are now happier than ever.

Is this something that can get better? I can't say I'm in love with this guy really.. sometimes I feel I am and that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. it goes so much up and down all the time.
Please give me some advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:59am
I feel that you are making a big deal about nothing. You are mad b/c he's not so serious yet? You have been together for a month and a half! Give it some time to settle. I mean are you the kind of person that is annoying and always wants to be serious b/c that can be just as bad as him always making jokes. Relationships are hard b/c they are about two totally diferent people trying to make their lives compatible. You are right to think that maybe his upbringing has something to do with his kidding ways. Just like yours probably has to do with your serious ways. I say stick it out! It's not like he is a cheater or abuser....he kids around. Girls would love to have that be the BIG probelm of the relationship. Good luck : D
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 11:37am

vivabubble...

Pianoguy is puzzled.

How can you expect to 'connect' with a man that you honestly don't love? It's clear from his self-obsession about his hobbies and lack of 'romanticism' toward you, that the relationship the 2 of you have is 'one-sided!'

I suppose you can always try and divert the conversations the 2 of you have toward a topic that interests you? But this DOESN'T mean he'll follow through! And that will make you even more frustrated than you already are.

Just because the 2 of you are next door neighbors DOESN'T mean you have to see each other on a regular basis! What would happen if you 'distanced yourself' from him for a few weeks? Keep the communication to a minimum (or don't communicate at all) and then see if his behavior changes.

You might be able to (at least) get him to listen to your side of things...and possibly, give him the opportunity to make a few changes in the dull, lifeless, relationship you're currently having together?

GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:06pm

You've only been together 1.5 months...that's too soon to be in love, anyway, so I wouldn't worry about that.

HOWEVER, it sounds like the two of you are just plain incompatible. Unless you can accept him AS IS, I think it would be best to walk away now, before either of you gets too attached. You can certainly TRY letting him know that you would prefer that he be more serious on occasion and more romantic, but at 1.5 months, he should be putting his best foot forward...so most likely, what you see is what you get! But sure, ask before you break things off, just so you will know you tried. But I think you're asking him to change his personality, so it's not very likely.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:26pm

I agree with Sheri, you might as well leave him. Let me tell you my story.

My xbf was just like what you described at that stage of our r'ship. We were together for three years. As the years went by, he became less jokey about everything, less about himself about everything and more mushy, HOWEVER that still is his personality. Which means, we don't ever have those "deep" talks, I have to initiate everything. I'm the one steering the r'ship all the time, it's a one-way street. It's like, if I don't grab the reins, he'll just let us go off a cliff. We didn't have a connection, nor chemistry, however, we got along great. WE had fun together all the time. He was my best friend.

The reason I am saying, move on, is because, you can't change him. He WILL and COULD change SOME things, but the deep talks will never happen, the chemistry will most likely not appear, he'll joke about things, because he doesn't take life as seriously as you. And he just won't be enough of what you want. And lastly, although you ARE different, you're not complementary different, in the essence that it'll work out. Because you WANT certain things in a r'ship (deep talks, romance, etc), and he can't give that to you, and you'll prolly always be leading him.

I did it for 3 years, because my xbf always got a little better....and I realized, 1. it's not fair to him for me to try to change him as much as I was and 2. I still missed and wanted those deep talks I never got, and missed just having chemistry with a person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 11:24pm

Take your time. It's only been 1 and 1/2 months and surely you need more time and a more in depth look into his past. You need to see what road he has traveled and maybe then this will help you understand who he really is.

Some people just don't want to deal with things that bring them shame or sadness or even anger, so they will tend to either drink, withdrawl from society, drugs, blame everybody else for their bad habits, OR PRETEND LIFE IS NOT SO SERIOUS. Or perhaps he is ADD or ADHD. You may want to research that on another board on here. I guess what I am saying is that I believe there are sooooo many people out there living in a world created by them for a sense of security or protection, even if this world is not healthy for them, it's still an escape.

If I were you, at this point I would not plan on getting serious with him just yet. I would set aside the relationship and try to just "study" him and his actions b/c this may be the only answer to your questions......listen, listen, and listen. You will begin to develop a decision based on him being just him and that's what you really want. He may never be as deep and romantic as you would like him to be. So lay it on the line about what you like in a guy and then step back and let him do his thing. Hopefully he will get it and you'll be happy together, but in any case, you must just listen.

Hope everything works out for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 09-24-2005 - 9:24pm
You most likely won't be able to change him. You could ask for him to do romantic things for you and to have more serious conversations with you but when you try to change a person most likely you won't have any luck unless they really want to make an effort for themselves and for you, to make the relationship a better one. I spent over 1.5 years trying to change my exbf and all it did was make me exhausted and resentful. Sure he did change a little here and there but only changed as much as he could and a lot of times he would revert back to his old ways. My ex sounds very similar to your bf with a couple of extra added problems on top of that. He was always having long drawn out conversations about computers, his work, stuff that bored me and he was always cracking jokes, had a hard time being serious. He was very very funny and I loved his sense of humor and had a great time with him but i was always the one having to initiate the serious conversations. He would respond some of the time in a positive way which I tried to encourage, but other times he would just shut down and nod his head or say uh huh, uh huh, like he really wasn't interested in what I had to say. He was never the romantic type and never really did special things for me either. Sure he was reliable and he fixed things in my house, was there when I needed him and that's how he showed his love but he wasn't affectionate, he was kind of cold, had a hard time handling/dealing with problems and liked to be in denial and just never made me feel special. I loved him so it was really hard to leave him and it hurt at the end a whole bunch but I just wasn't happy, plain and simple. I thought we were more friends than lovers. So, really think about if this man will make you happy in the long-haul because you don't want to get too attached and then realize that you really aren't happy and want to break it off later down the line when there are more feelings invested.