can i trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
can i trust him?
6
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:30am
I don’t know what to do. My ex and I (whom I just got back together with) called last night and we got to talking about dancing (he was at a local club with one of his male friends Saturday night) and anyway, he’s not a good dancer I guess. So we are on the phone last night and he casually mentions something about this Thursday, this friend R* (a girl) teaching him how to salsa dance and that she is taking him to this club to teach him. I got quiet for a minute, obviously I was upset. I laid into him, and finally told him how it makes me really uncomfortable (the thought of him dancing with some girl), and if there’s alcohol involved..and oops, they kiss, and oops it is an accident, and oops something more happens. Alcohol can be a powerful aphrodesiac. There are little things that add up to make me wonder if I can really trust him. I have been struggling with that ever since I have known him. We had issues with him having a lot of "girl" friends calling him all the time when we dated last year, and he would actually take his cell phone with him to the bathroom when he went to shower. It's like he didn't want me to see who called. Who does that? I have no problem with girl friends as long as I can meet them. He assures me that he would never cheat, but to me dancing can be an intimate thing (especially salsa) and for him to go and do that with R*, who knows what might happen? I have seen this girl drunk before (she was at his bday party in January),and she’s attractive (he said himself she was "dead sexy" once, and she was hanging on him at some point that night at the bday party (proof is in the pudding, there’s a picture of it). So now, I’m very confused about what to do. I was shaking the whole time we were discussing this on the phone last night, I was so upset. Even thinking about it now makes me very uneasy. Am I just wasting my time? Should I just cut my losses and get out of there? Trust is very important to me, and when he does these types of things with other girls, it makes me feel like there's something lacking from our relationship or something that I can't give him and that's why he feels the need to things with other girls. He assures me that he only wants me, but his actions are kind of saying something else. He is one of those guys that ran away last time because he was scared of love (he claims). I can't tell him how to live his life,and I don't want to play the jealous girlfriend, but this is causing problems. Any advice would be helpful!! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: ciara_01
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:58am

You are wasting your time on a looser. I'm sorry but if a "real man" has "female friends", and he's with you, he won't go off by himself and put himself in any kind of compromising position like that. If a male is going to be that stupid and immature and either play dumb and/or not recognize that what he is doing is hurting your feelings, if there is no basis of trust between you two, and you don't feel secure in what you have (which it seems like you dont), then why stay with him? You are right to trust your gut like you are doing. I don't know how long you two were together the first time around and what made you break up, but why did you get back together with him? Aren't you putting yourself in a position where he's only going to do the same crap that he did to you the first time around?

The thing that is lacking is him...is he immature, and you know better. You really need to cut your losses and move on from him, a completely clean break with no communication or anything. If he's sitting there saying he's scared of love...he's also scared of a commitment too...which should tell you that he's just not worthy of someone like you.

After 3.5 yrs of being with my ex, broken promises, lack of trust/security, and playing with female friend, I had enough. We have been broken up for 2 months now, and he's starting to realize what he had, but still isn't ready/mature enough to be with me. He wanted to get back together but w/o the serious RL attachment, and that he missed me, and loved me. Me being at the point in my life where I've been ready to settle down for a while (he just wasn't ready on so many levels), I told him that "you know what I need from you, and you just aren't on my level. We are 2 different people @ 2 different places in our lives." I told him that I wanted to go out and date and see other people, and see what else is out there. But in any regard I know that the likelyhood of us coming back together is slim to none. It took me a long time to know that it wasn't meant to be, and I'm learning right now to move on with my life and finding someone who will treat me better.

I know that somewhere inside you may feel like you need to be with him, but do you really want to be hurt, shaking, and crying yourself to sleep all the time because of his stupid actions? If all he can do is say that "he wants you", but his actions say something else...have a talk with him. This BF of yours doesn't seem like he's going to grow up anytime soon. And as much as you may want to be with him, you need to know that a real man will make you happy, and will regard your feelings if he truely loves you and wants to be with you.

Don't make excuses for yourself or him, you have every right to be angry and upset...because he's doing stupid $hit to you. Another question you should ask yourself...do my friends/family like him? If the majority says no...then that should give you the answer. Love is blind, and people tend to make excuses for the other thinking that they will come around.

If I were you I would start dating other guys. You'll have less stress on you once you dump him. And your BF may not figure it out for a long time, but eventually he will...once he grows up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
In reply to: ciara_01
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:40pm
Here's more background info: We dated for a short time (4 months), but fell hard and fast. I thought that he was perfect in the beginning, but then getting random calls from girls and other things started to crop up. It made me question how much he cared for me, or if I was just his safety net to keep around. He broke up with me for the simple fact that he said he wasn't sure if he was in love with me, and he was having issues with himself (not where he wants to be in his career, etc.) The thing is, I was always there for him listening to him talk about his parents' disappointment in him (he is 25 and not finished with college, stuck in a crappy job). I told him I knew he would become something great, and things would work out for him someday. He has great potential, he just refuses to take out a loan to pay for school, thus he is paying for himself and going to college in bits and pieces. I never questioned his stability, because I'm 23 and still in school myself, and I am not one to judge people based on their career status. Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent. The point I'm trying to make is that I was always there for him and maybe he used that to his advantage. We broke up last april and didn't speak again until I received this 8 page letter on my doorstep in October. Yeah, 6 months later! He's a very good writer, and he made a point to hit every memory he had of me and our relationship in the letter. It explained how sorry he was, he was scared, etc. He knew how to get to me emotionally. I wish I could post it, but it is way too long! So me, not sure if I was over him, I called him the next day. He said his intention was not to get me back, but to let me know that he was sorry and he really did love me. Maybe I should have never called him. Maybe relationships that end that way should just be left alone. Close the book and don't re-open it right? Me calling him told me that I truly wasn't over him like I thought. We slowly became friends again after that, and I was casually dating someone at the time, so was he. We still continued to hang out platonically, and he would take me to movies, dinner, and out with his friends. He always included me. However, it hurt me to see him with someone else, even though I knew what we had was over. Then about a month later when things didn't work out with either one of our respective dating partners, we decided to go to dinner one night, and we kissed when he dropped me off. It was amazing, like my feelings for him never changed. After that, it was a matter of time before I fell for him again. He's apologized for the breakup numerous times and says he loves me. I told him I didn't want to rush right back to the way things were before. I also told him I may eventually leave this city to transfer to NY for school and eventually my career (i'm majoring in advertising). He said we will work things out no matter what happens, blah blah blah. Maybe deep down, I know this guy isn't the one, but I have to know for sure before I move on. I always said I would never get back with an ex, but here I am back with him. I feel like the biggest hypocrite, and truly, I don't know if he's "the one". If someone is truly your soulmate, the relationship shouldn't feel like a constant struggle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: ciara_01
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:06pm

Have you always been untrusting of the guy you're dating?

It doesn't sound like you're asking whether or not you *should* trust him. Whether you should seems irrelevent at this point because it appears that you yourself *can't* trust him. You can't let it go and just be trusting. At this time it seems as though you physically can't trust him even if/thought you might want to. It's just something outside of your realm of possibilities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: ciara_01
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 1:55pm

Ex's ALWAYS come back in some form or another. Whether it be that they date other people and aren't finding anyone, or they knock on ur doorstep just to see if you might be available. And no a relationship doesn't take that much work or BS. I do understand what you are going through with the whole fact that you two are at different places in your lives, he's not doing the college thing, his job sucks, and you are doing well for yourself. You see that potential in that person, and you wish they would change and see the chances and opp. that you do... but they won't...you just need to understand that. Don't loose site of the fact that he's not doing well and you are. He needs to make the choice to do something with himself, and take care of his own problems within his family. He may make that choice tomorrow or when he's 35...it depends on him. Also keep in mind that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree", whatever problems he's going through now will reflect on how he is in the future. I guess a lot of us girls fall for guys that we think we can repair, they may be great guys with a lot of baggage, but we always try too hard sometimes.

There's always going to be that spark between someone that you were with or had a thing for until you are completely and utterly over him (which may be years). In all those maybe's that you were talking about... that's your instinct talking to you.. and you need to listen to it as hard as it may be. It sounds like he's settling for someone that's always been good to him, and that's why he wrote that letter, and said he loved you. He may very well love you/miss you/etc, but you're back in a old situation where much hasn't changed.

I think the way that if you know for sure is if you have complete distance from him, move to NY and do your thing with your career. Sometimes the best thing for people who haven't really GOTTEN it is time to reflect and time to grow, and hopefully in that time they will learn. If a few years pass between you too, and he's done some growing, and that spark is still there, then maybe you too are meant to be. But for right now in what you have said I don't think he's the one for you. You have a lot of living to do, and the fact that you are 23, and still getting yourself established should be your focal point right now. Once you get to the point like myself @ 26, where you are established, and can support yourself, and are ready for a LTR that's serious, then you'll be better off and will be ready completely for that next step. But you can't be with someone that's not at the same level as you are. It makes it a lot easier and painless to be with someone that's your equal rather than someone that's behind you.

You have a lot of life left to live, don't waste it on someone who can't give the 50% to the RL that you give to it. In the long run, it's not fair to you. It's hard to break your feelings from someone, but maybe going to NY will help you clear your mind and refocus your life and help you to find what you truely want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
In reply to: ciara_01
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:29pm
Thanks sweatpea, you totally put it into perspective. I guess it's true what they say, 'you don't know what you have until it's gone.' He may just have to find that out by himself. There's a reason why we broke up, and nothing can change that. After all, you can say sorry as many times as you want, but it doesn't always fix the situation or justify bad boy behavior. If he indeed realized what he had when he left, then why did it take a whole 6 months to contact me? Seems like it is all a convenience thing for him. I think I should go to NY and let things be with him. All you have to rely on is yourself you know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: ciara_01
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:15pm

I agree completely. When I was with my ex I forgot about taking care of me and my needs and my family. I spent a lot of time with him when there were other people and things that I could have been spending with. Yeah to a certain extent it's convient, just like when people stay in RL just for the sake of it. You can't spend yout time wasting and waiting for a person to come around, but by the time they come around, you have already moved on...sad isn't it. But that's how people learn from relationships. More than likely he will keep contacting you for a while after you go to NY, and then he will move on and fall off the face of the earth... and be a distance memory.

I had an ex when I was 18, we were together for a few months but it was really intense. We were on and off for the next 2 years, and then he wrote me off (cause he got married then later on got divorced), a few years later he contacted me after he got divorced..I was in my RL at that time but stopped talking to him after a while. Then I contacted him again recently..after years of not speaking to each other, he apologized for all the stuff he did to me, and he's got his head on right and his stuff together. He realized that I was a good person and I was always good to him, and he wanted to be friends. He learned from things and so did I, and we are cool with everything and are friends. I guess men contact you after a while because they haven't found anything better and/or they just don't know what to say or how to say it. They aren't as direct as girls are.

Think about this, when you move up to NY you have a lot more stuff to look forward to, and who knows maybe there will be a hot and more mature guy in your future. Good Luck!