Can we be patient?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Can we be patient?!
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 12:26am

Hello, I could really use some advice. Here is my story, thank you for taking the time and reading.

2.5 months ago, for a first date I was challenged to find something out of the ordinary. Not a lot goes on in these parts, so most date are rather boring. We both came from different area, where there was a lot more culture, or at least varity of culture. I used all my connected I’ve had in the past 4 years to put together a first date that was exciting in this sleepy city. I found a posh little art museum that just opened, the date went so well we venue changed 3 times, and spend the rest of the day together. As luck would have it the next day, a special twice a year historic house tour was going on, and we attended that event too. During these first 12 hours of hanging out, she told me a little about her shady past. Things that may turn people away, I asked lots of question, and I’m certain that the action were of a younger version of her I will never know.

She was very clear from the start that she was looking for friendship first, and she had a very bad habit of jumping into relationship that we’re harmful for her. She wanted to take it rather slow. I respect that, I do prefer to court a woman. There is a lot of charm to it. Over the course of the first month, we hang out at least twice a week, with some of the dates being focusing on her school work. Again telling me, school came first. After our first kiss, thing progressed slowly but nothing past light petting. ( this was me trying to respect her wishes of taking it slow )
Around this point I had a planned trip where I was going to be gone for 3 weeks. We talked about it, I gave her my hoodie, and she informed me that she wasn’t seeing other people. I told her I had no plans to hook up with anyone on the trip, and that was that. She joked around that she wouldn’t sleep with me before I left due to the fact that I wouldn’t talk to her when I returned.

A few days on the trip she had a lot of family life drama going on, and we talked for a few hours about it, she told me she really missed me, and that she really liked me. More family drama happened, and I no more phone calls, just a txt message a day or so asking how I was, and no more missing me. I wrote her a post card, at least once every few days. By, week 3 she was telling me she wasn’t ready for anytime of relationship, she needed to work on herself first. Which I responded, “I can be pretty patient, the you, you are going to become is going to be an amazing woman, I can wait.”

I arrived back from my trip. She was busy and couldn’t come visit. But, the 4th of July was only 3 days away, and she promised we’d go see fireworks. The 4th of July came, she and her nieces came and saw fireworks, but she felt very distant, so I played it cool again, and just hugged her and kissed her had. As promised on my side, that Tuesday, I would ride/drive her to school since it was an hour and half away, and she has to drive back at night. This was the first time we really got to talk, on the way to school, she ranted and raved about wanting to get out of this area, that she hated it, and might just go back to Florida and stay with some of her friends, I let her talk and just listened. Once she cooled down a little bit we talked about her options. One of them being staying with me, for a little while until she figured out where to go, or just to get out of her house. She told me she couldn’t do that because since we weren’t dating it would mess everything up. Even if she was just my roommate, she said it she’d be afraid we wouldn’t be able to date in the future because of it. I just smiled and told her I understood.

After class, we went out to eat, and she filled me in with all the details of the family drama, she was in a much better mood, and told me as much as she needs or wants to leave she can’t because of her aging grandfather who needs a little bit of supervision, and her niece she had from time to time. Then started venting to me about a past boyfriend, who from afar, 500 miles afar, read some of her posts and was trying to talk her into moving back down with him. I joked and said I may have to worry about her up and leaving here, and she assured me, that he was no threat to me and she didn’t want to be with him. Then asked me what I was getting out of our relationship, since I wasn’t getting sex, or attention, I had to want something. I told her I was just looking for companionship, and a friend. I would love to have more, but I was being patient. After dinner her feet were hurting so I carried her to the car, where she kept telling me I was too nice to her. She didn’t deserve this level of niceness.

On the way home, we talked about lots of random stuff, but then she asked why I liked her, cause she said she knows she was so broken. I told her, I also knew she was broken, but was attracted to the fact that she was trying to fix herself. I know I can’t fit her, but I can support her in her growth. She asked if there were things I didn’t like. I told her I was unsure of how we can from such different worlds, but that might not be such a bad thing.

Then the other day, she met me for drinks. She was having a crazy day, and told me all about it, I just sat and listened. Then, she starts on a story about an ex boyfriend who just got out of jail, that started calling her, and they were playing phone tag. In the story she said they were dating for 3 months before he went to jail, he was just suppose to be a fling, and then he said I love you. Now, that he was out he was calling again. She knew that he had been with at least 3 women this week since he got out. “I just want to see him and tell him, that we can’t pick up where we left off. If I would have known he was doing those things I would have never dated him in the first place.”

To my question: I’m afraid, that I missed some of the flags early on, that I maybe to stable, or to caring of a man. I wondering if she is still looking for danger? I can’t offer danger only adventure! She’s told me time and time again, she has never met anyone like me. I’m I just being toyed with, did I fall into the “girlfriend” category, or I’m I just reading into all of this too much, and need to honestly just be patient.

The lack of commitment isn’t really that big of a deal, the talking with ex boyfriends is something that makes me rather jealous; I don’t really enjoy that emotion. If I’m just going to be a friend, then I don’t want to have the feeling of jealousy. I’m also afraid if I try to have an honest talk, I will add to much emotion and come off as a needy, or very unfriendlike.

Any advice will be great! Thank you again!
-Dr FF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2009
Sun, 07-12-2009 - 8:58am
WOW! It sounds like her life is majorly complicated! Her issues with just the family and schooling alone were a lot then to throw in ex-boyfriends and someone from jail...whew!
You sound like such a nice, caring and generous person, with so much to offer a woman. This lady sounds like she is nowhere in the vicinity of being able to cope with a relationship that is so stable. She sounds like she lives for the drama - especially when she ranted about her life. Venting is one thing, but that just sounded plain childish. You are setting the scene for accepting her behaviour and its hard to get back to a level playing field if you have already allowed her to show these traits so early on in dating.
I believe that she isnt interested in you as a long term partner by the hot and cold attitude she is displaying and think that until she gets her life in some type of order. Throwing her exes in your face was bad taste and the way she hounds you to ask what you want if youre not getting sex is unfair.
If there are redeeming qualities about her that you could live with, by all means stick with it, but to me she sounds like a basket case that needs to pull her own life together before confusing yours. We all have skeletons and people do change from when they are young, but this woman looks like she has serious issues. IMO move on to find a lady that wants what you have to offer without the grief.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 07-13-2009 - 9:29am

Wow this girl sounds like a mess. Sounds like you are reading the signs but not paying attention to it. When a girl starts bring up how messed up her life is and how much baggage she's got attached to her, you should be running in the other direction. You also should be paying attention to the "signs". If you are putting this much time to court or start a relationship, you need to stop and back yourself out of this situation.

You should be changing your number and everything else at this point and avoid this girl, she's bad news, plus she's string you along by venting all her baggage to you. Meanwhile you are reaching to catch the wrong girl, and hoping you'll be able to catch her and you will be able to take care and fix whatever. Bottom line, stop trying to chase/court her, stop waiting, stop whatever it is you are doing.

My advice, you need to remove yourself from the situation. Anytime you are trying to find/look a relationship, like this instance, you'll always run into trouble. When you find a "good girl" w/o the baggage, it will be A LOT easier with a lot less work involved. Trust me!