Can this work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Can this work?
5
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 11:36am
Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now.
We just recently made the big decision to move into our own apartment.
After shopping around and exploring our options we found an apartment. Its out of state, but since we both took jobs in this state it was going to make our commutes and lives together easier.
Because of our work schedules we only have one day off together.
Last Tuesday we moved my stuff in. He was going to move in a week later (yesterday) after he finished packing and got his stuff together.
On Friday night he told me he didnt want to wait until Tuesday (of this week) to see me so he was coming over. It was getting really late and he didnt have anything packed so he would have to drive all the way home to then drive to our new apartment. I told him it would just be easier for him to pack his stuff that night and stay over Saturday night. We both agreed on this and said good night.
On Saturday night I got out of work earlier than expected so I rushed home to see my sweetie. He has been taking night classes so during most of his time off he has been doing homework.
I sat and watched TV while he did some homework. After about an hour he stopped and just laid there. I went over to him and laid down next to him, wrapping my arms around him.
He did the nudge...the one where its says "get off of me".
I looked at him and that is where it began.
He started to go into how we wanted different things and he wasnt sure we would be going in the same direction....etc.
After much confusion and more discussion I got up and started to pace...it was just shocking. He followed me into the bedroom and said "there is something else".
From the look on his face and the feeling in my gut I knew what it was.
"Are you in love with someone else?"
Anger flooded me and I started to break down.
All of this apparently came to him after we had signed the lease. They had met up a couple of times to talk because she had just been fired from the place they worked. He said they just talked but there was something there he couldnt deny.
Push comes to shove and we ended up spending the night apart. He went home after I told him I couldn't deal with it.
For two days I was crying, sobbing, sick to my stomache.
We met on Tuesday to talk about what we were going to do...we did just sign a lease.
Tuesday was a blur and full of pain. He basically told me his heart was being pulled in two different directions and his final word was he wanted to be with this girl.
Yesterday I went to work (again) in a fog. I started to put myself back together but I still hurt.
I came home last night and as I looked around the apartment I saw that he had been there. He had set some things up and brought some of his stuff over. I called him in a state of confusion. I hadn't expected to see him again.
He told me he needed to talk.
He came to the apartment and told me that he had just left the girl and told her he couldnt see her anymore.
I was confused and unsure.
We talked about it and he said that he wanted to work on what we had, since it did mean so much to him.
Later in the conversation I found out that they had kissed on a few of the occasions they had met.
I love him and I want to work it out- I just feel sick. I dont want to hold anything over his head, but I dont know how to move past all of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: bep630
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 8:05pm
Tough situation. Your first mistake was to agree for him to move in after he told you he was seeing this girl. Now, you have to live together until the lease expires in 12 months.... Can you take over the lease by yourself? Can he move out to another place while he makes up his mind for sure? Anyhow, try couples counseling if you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
In reply to: bep630
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 10:14pm

Sweetie I understand your pain. Having been married for 8 years, my DH told me the same thing, except his OW was an ex-girlfriend. So he moved out and we're getting a divorce. Once he told me that it was over with the other woman, so he can back and we spent the night together...that was the biggest mistake I made. It hurt me worse then than when he told me he found someone else, because he went back to her.

Anyway, long story short...I think that you should take the advice given and see if you can possible take over the lease on your own. Don't let this rule you, I know from experience that making yourself sick over this doesn't and won't help you. It'll just drive you nuts. Let it go, and see what happens...just don't make the same mistake I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
In reply to: bep630
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 2:22am

Thanks for responding.
I could take over the lease but I would have nothing.
The rent is far too high for me to do on my own and be able to pay the bills, buy food, misc. household items, pay for utilities, and my car and have money for incidentals (as we all know they happen).
On top of it all, most of my furniture was trashed or given away because everything he has was newer and more expensive.
I have little to nothing in this apartment and with all of the other financial issues I have had in the past, I am just now starting to get back on my feet.
That is not an excuse for having him move in…

My question was, is there a way to move past it all?

We talked again this evening and I know things are different. I can hear it in his voice and even in my own, but it’s not like we are pretending or falsifying anything about the situation. I know that it is hard…its something that I cannot just flick on or off like a switch. I’m not over it; I just want to know will I ever be?
Granted, I am the only one who can determine that…I am the creator of my own destiny, but I want to feel something other than confusion or sadness right now.

I don’t want to go back into this and have him only be half in it with me, which I know for awhile, he probably will be.
His first love really messed him up royally, so everything I want for my future and for the future of the one I’m with is lost inside of him. She took a decent man and made him bitter and angry. I hate that love can make people so jaded when it doesn’t work out.

I don’t want to be hurt again; I also don’t want to give up without knowing whether or not it can work. Am I being unreasonable? Truthfully?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2005
In reply to: bep630
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 7:35pm

You will get over this, trust me. Give yourself a month, maybe two. It took me a good 2 months to get over my ex, but finally realized that I couldn't live my life waiting for him to come back...because he wasn't (isn't). Finally I gave myself peace enough to know that he's happy now, and to focus on myself and my kids.

Go out, have fun with some girlfriends, and most importantly, do things that you enjoy. You'll be over it before you know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
In reply to: bep630
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 3:27pm
You are in a weird situation right now...no doubt about it. -You are torn and confused and trying to take a stand for yourself too. While your trying to avoid becoming a door-mat to this guy who would clearly play cat & mouse with you for as long as you let him. He may be sincere, only you can read him. But trust your instincts girl -you have them for a reason. Don't let him screw with you, lay down the law (tell him this is his 1 get out of jail free card, next time he's out!). -As far as you being realistic about everything, your probably not totally in touch. I think that once someone strays from their relationship...there was clearly something missing for them...nothing against you, you probably didn't do anything wrong. She may have just been needy (with losing her job and everything), maybe you weren't needy/clingy enough at that time. I firmly believe that most men, want to feel needed by a chick, and they especially want to feel like they are men...meaning -that they can still get a chick if they want to...even if they don't really want to but just because they can. You also seem very smart, maybe too smart for him. He could need some bimbo to boss around. -2 of my good friends, recently divorced, I found it amazing that their husbands left them for the type of woman that they did. These women who attract men in relationships are usually not even the type of women that you or I would choose as friends, flaky and easy. And they probably do it for sport and with obvious disregard for his girlfirend's/wife's feelings. Anyways, my best advice to you chica is to follow what your gut tells you, only you know your relationship. Even though you don't have a crystal ball, you will probably be able to tell if the dweeb is lying to you. ...you will certainly be able to tell if it just feels wrong to you to let him stay with you. When someone steps outside of their relationship, it means that something is wrong. In this case, something is wrong with him...he's a man. ...and there is fear in hearts of men. Fear of losing his man-hood to a woman commitment. By the way...consider placing an ad for a roommate, there are tons of online roommate finders..thats if you have a 2 bedroom. Or, better yet -find some young college stud to shack up with, you'll need him (it will make your year there be really fun!) to get over the dweeb-cheater.