Can this work?
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Can this work?
| Thu, 07-21-2005 - 11:36am |
Ive been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now.
We just recently made the big decision to move into our own apartment.
After shopping around and exploring our options we found an apartment. Its out of state, but since we both took jobs in this state it was going to make our commutes and lives together easier.
Because of our work schedules we only have one day off together.
Last Tuesday we moved my stuff in. He was going to move in a week later (yesterday) after he finished packing and got his stuff together.
On Friday night he told me he didnt want to wait until Tuesday (of this week) to see me so he was coming over. It was getting really late and he didnt have anything packed so he would have to drive all the way home to then drive to our new apartment. I told him it would just be easier for him to pack his stuff that night and stay over Saturday night. We both agreed on this and said good night.
On Saturday night I got out of work earlier than expected so I rushed home to see my sweetie. He has been taking night classes so during most of his time off he has been doing homework.
I sat and watched TV while he did some homework. After about an hour he stopped and just laid there. I went over to him and laid down next to him, wrapping my arms around him.
He did the nudge...the one where its says "get off of me".
I looked at him and that is where it began.
He started to go into how we wanted different things and he wasnt sure we would be going in the same direction....etc.
After much confusion and more discussion I got up and started to pace...it was just shocking. He followed me into the bedroom and said "there is something else".
From the look on his face and the feeling in my gut I knew what it was.
"Are you in love with someone else?"
Anger flooded me and I started to break down.
All of this apparently came to him after we had signed the lease. They had met up a couple of times to talk because she had just been fired from the place they worked. He said they just talked but there was something there he couldnt deny.
Push comes to shove and we ended up spending the night apart. He went home after I told him I couldn't deal with it.
For two days I was crying, sobbing, sick to my stomache.
We met on Tuesday to talk about what we were going to do...we did just sign a lease.
Tuesday was a blur and full of pain. He basically told me his heart was being pulled in two different directions and his final word was he wanted to be with this girl.
Yesterday I went to work (again) in a fog. I started to put myself back together but I still hurt.
I came home last night and as I looked around the apartment I saw that he had been there. He had set some things up and brought some of his stuff over. I called him in a state of confusion. I hadn't expected to see him again.
He told me he needed to talk.
He came to the apartment and told me that he had just left the girl and told her he couldnt see her anymore.
I was confused and unsure.
We talked about it and he said that he wanted to work on what we had, since it did mean so much to him.
Later in the conversation I found out that they had kissed on a few of the occasions they had met.
I love him and I want to work it out- I just feel sick. I dont want to hold anything over his head, but I dont know how to move past all of this.
We just recently made the big decision to move into our own apartment.
After shopping around and exploring our options we found an apartment. Its out of state, but since we both took jobs in this state it was going to make our commutes and lives together easier.
Because of our work schedules we only have one day off together.
Last Tuesday we moved my stuff in. He was going to move in a week later (yesterday) after he finished packing and got his stuff together.
On Friday night he told me he didnt want to wait until Tuesday (of this week) to see me so he was coming over. It was getting really late and he didnt have anything packed so he would have to drive all the way home to then drive to our new apartment. I told him it would just be easier for him to pack his stuff that night and stay over Saturday night. We both agreed on this and said good night.
On Saturday night I got out of work earlier than expected so I rushed home to see my sweetie. He has been taking night classes so during most of his time off he has been doing homework.
I sat and watched TV while he did some homework. After about an hour he stopped and just laid there. I went over to him and laid down next to him, wrapping my arms around him.
He did the nudge...the one where its says "get off of me".
I looked at him and that is where it began.
He started to go into how we wanted different things and he wasnt sure we would be going in the same direction....etc.
After much confusion and more discussion I got up and started to pace...it was just shocking. He followed me into the bedroom and said "there is something else".
From the look on his face and the feeling in my gut I knew what it was.
"Are you in love with someone else?"
Anger flooded me and I started to break down.
All of this apparently came to him after we had signed the lease. They had met up a couple of times to talk because she had just been fired from the place they worked. He said they just talked but there was something there he couldnt deny.
Push comes to shove and we ended up spending the night apart. He went home after I told him I couldn't deal with it.
For two days I was crying, sobbing, sick to my stomache.
We met on Tuesday to talk about what we were going to do...we did just sign a lease.
Tuesday was a blur and full of pain. He basically told me his heart was being pulled in two different directions and his final word was he wanted to be with this girl.
Yesterday I went to work (again) in a fog. I started to put myself back together but I still hurt.
I came home last night and as I looked around the apartment I saw that he had been there. He had set some things up and brought some of his stuff over. I called him in a state of confusion. I hadn't expected to see him again.
He told me he needed to talk.
He came to the apartment and told me that he had just left the girl and told her he couldnt see her anymore.
I was confused and unsure.
We talked about it and he said that he wanted to work on what we had, since it did mean so much to him.
Later in the conversation I found out that they had kissed on a few of the occasions they had met.
I love him and I want to work it out- I just feel sick. I dont want to hold anything over his head, but I dont know how to move past all of this.

Sweetie I understand your pain. Having been married for 8 years, my DH told me the same thing, except his OW was an ex-girlfriend. So he moved out and we're getting a divorce. Once he told me that it was over with the other woman, so he can back and we spent the night together...that was the biggest mistake I made. It hurt me worse then than when he told me he found someone else, because he went back to her.
Anyway, long story short...I think that you should take the advice given and see if you can possible take over the lease on your own. Don't let this rule you, I know from experience that making yourself sick over this doesn't and won't help you. It'll just drive you nuts. Let it go, and see what happens...just don't make the same mistake I did.
Thanks for responding.
I could take over the lease but I would have nothing.
The rent is far too high for me to do on my own and be able to pay the bills, buy food, misc. household items, pay for utilities, and my car and have money for incidentals (as we all know they happen).
On top of it all, most of my furniture was trashed or given away because everything he has was newer and more expensive.
I have little to nothing in this apartment and with all of the other financial issues I have had in the past, I am just now starting to get back on my feet.
That is not an excuse for having him move in…
My question was, is there a way to move past it all?
We talked again this evening and I know things are different. I can hear it in his voice and even in my own, but it’s not like we are pretending or falsifying anything about the situation. I know that it is hard…its something that I cannot just flick on or off like a switch. I’m not over it; I just want to know will I ever be?
Granted, I am the only one who can determine that…I am the creator of my own destiny, but I want to feel something other than confusion or sadness right now.
I don’t want to go back into this and have him only be half in it with me, which I know for awhile, he probably will be.
His first love really messed him up royally, so everything I want for my future and for the future of the one I’m with is lost inside of him. She took a decent man and made him bitter and angry. I hate that love can make people so jaded when it doesn’t work out.
I don’t want to be hurt again; I also don’t want to give up without knowing whether or not it can work. Am I being unreasonable? Truthfully?
You will get over this, trust me. Give yourself a month, maybe two. It took me a good 2 months to get over my ex, but finally realized that I couldn't live my life waiting for him to come back...because he wasn't (isn't). Finally I gave myself peace enough to know that he's happy now, and to focus on myself and my kids.
Go out, have fun with some girlfriends, and most importantly, do things that you enjoy. You'll be over it before you know it.