Can't believe this hurts so much!
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| Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:52am |
I honestly can't! We finally talked last night after I came back from a date and he knew something was up so he immediately wanted to read me a poem that he said "I thought maybe if I read you this toinght it would fix everything b/c I knew something was wrong". Last night was one of the worst things I've ever had to do to someone. He didn't quite understand my feelings at all! He said he was just so SURE about me...that he was thanking God daily for bringing me into his life and he was just so sure we were destined! After trying to explain my feelings and thoughts (of which they of course don't make sense b/c how could I be letting something so incredible go???) he said I went back & forth with things, said I gave up too easily and that I was a coward for not wanting to find out more like I had originally "promised". But for me, just the fact that I am as confused as I am right now with life, relationships, and everything and being SO erratic with my thoughts & feelings right now, that just tells me that even if I gave him what he wanted, a chance to find out what our connection is for, that I'd hurt him just the same. It's either now or later right?
Maybe I'm just not meant to be with someone b/c all I do is cause hurt. First a broken engagement and now this. I didn't want to change his outlook on life- he said that he'd now compare everyone he dates to me and that he's not going to date for a long long time which is weird b/c it's not like we were dating! We've never even met! There was just that connection- and I admit it was strong. So strong it scared me...
GOSH i'm so sick this morning! i've hurt one of my favorite persons in the world!!! He sounded so depressed and sad during our talk and now, this morning, after we hung up rather abruptly last night with just "bye" and some tears, all I want to do is call him back/email him and tell him how sorry I am and how I wish I could just hug him and make it better.
Thank you for the support and letting me vent. I'm racked with guilt and sadness this morning and probably will be for a while b/c he was such a big part of my life as of late. He said he'd leave the ball in my court in terms of communication and contact (if I wanted to contact him) and that he'll always be there in a friendship capacity for me, but I think it will hurt him less if I just leave him alone. Am I right? I don't want to be even more selfish by continuing to talk to him occasionally and email him as 'just friends' when I know he feels I am still 'the one' for him.
Anyway, I know I"m going to get thru this, and hopefully he'll get over me soon and meet a wonderful girl who will recognize his value and make him happy. I just want him happy...I really do.
Thank you again for reading and if you have ANY advice, I'd really appreciate it right now. ~Samantha

Just remember, you can't be responsible for the way he feels about you. The ONLY thing you can do is learn from this. Learn that next time, instead of PRETENDING (even to yourself) that this is good, that in your heart, you know it's not....to just end things before they even begin.
And also, remember, what's more important, your own happiness, or his? You had to do this, for you. Yes, you should've done it long ago, but maybe next time, you won't take so long. I know, I had to do the same sort of thing. And instead of dragging it out, which would've been GREAT for easing a breakup, I ended things with the new guy right away. AT least right away in my terms (within a month), because I knew, in my heart, I couldn't be with him. And I like him, and he's wonderful. But nope. Not now. Not later. Just not going to happen. Hurt him now, before the feelings get too deep. He was hurt and upset, but all along, I said, "I have to do what is best for me, not for you. I'm sorry I hurt you".
Point is, take care of yourself and if you don't want to hurt ppl like this, don't lie to yourself that it'll cahnge/workout, etc. instead, be honest with yourself and the guy and let him go much earlier. Take that as a lesson.
Your heart will hurt, and I do suggest no contact. You'll get past it, beucase he's not what you want. And you're not meant to be alone...unless you CANNOT learn how to end things sooner, versus later. If you learn that, you'll be fine. :)
Hugs.