The catch

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
The catch
4
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 2:53pm

Hi All...I'm new to the boards--24, female.

I recently met an amazing man, and we are dating. We couldn't be more compatible on pretty much every level so far. We've talked about practically everything, spending hours talking every day. We're both so excited to have met eachother. Here's the catch...last night, he told me that he has herpes. We have not established a physical relationship yet, and that is why he told me now, before we got to that point. We talked about it for a while, and we both have a pretty good understanding of the disease. He got it from an ex a couple years ago who cheated on him. What I need your help with is this--I told him that of course I'd prefer he didn't have herpes, I don't see it as a reason not to see eachother anymore. We talked about how if and when we want to have sex, we would ALWAYS use every protective measure possible, and I told him I would talk to my OB GYN about all of this. So my question is--is this healthy for me to pursue a relationship with him, or is my falling in love making me irrational. Can a relationship work with him or am I being stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
In reply to: redlightgo
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 5:31pm
By all means, talk to your gyno. Get every ounce of information you can. Ask THEM if you should pursue this relationship. I'm personalizing this, asking myself what I would have done if my SO had come to me with this information. First, I would have gotten more of an education about herpes than I already have. Since my oldest daughter taught sex education at school as part of a peer-education group, believe me, I think I probably know more than I need to. Anyway, knowing what I do about my SO and the fact that this is IT for us, I would have probably continued on as usual. BUT, I would have made sure first that this is IT for me. And for him. I wouldn't put myself at risk like that otherwise. I've never been one to jump into bed with someone before having a real relationship first. Don't anyone bother to jump my butt about saying that, I'm not being mean, it's just the way I am. I don't put anyone down for their choices they make. If he really cares about you, and the feelings progress...he'll be more than willing to wait a few months or so for intimacy. I know we have no guarantees that just b/c someone is IT for us now, things won't change some time in the distant future. There's the risk of life. You have to ask yourself if it's worth the risk....Good luck, I wish you the best. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
In reply to: redlightgo
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 10:09pm
Hey, ok....well, the whole decision whether to pursue a relationship with him is up to you. I mean if you really care about him, you'll be with him no matter what. But if the fact that he has herpes bothers you then I wouldn't continue a relationship with him. I mean, you can do everything to protect yourself, but you have to feel comfortable with him ya know. So what ever your choice, make it a wise one and it's up to you! Good Luck, and Take Care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: redlightgo
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:14pm

The choice is definitley your own, and getting as much info is perfect.

But, just wanted to throw this out to you. 1 out of 3 people have herpes. A cold sore, is a herpe. You can have genital herpes, that AREN'T in the genital area. You can have non-genital herpes, IN the genital area. And yes, you can transmit either one to another person in any area of the body. i.e. if a man has a cold sore, and performs oral sex on a woman, she can get herpes in her genital area.

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just telling you, how common it is, and how easy it can be to live with it (as a person w/o or even with).

I have herpes. And strangely, it's on my thumb area. I have no idea what kind it is (genital or not), but I know it comes when I stress out. I don't refrain from sex, however, I use a liquid bandage on it and keep my hand clear of my bf's body. I have a friend who has genital herpes. I have another one who is a carrier, but has never had the symptoms (she found out cuz her bf got the symptoms and she got tested).

The point is, this disease, can both be nothing to be worried about, and yet, something that can harm, if not kill. The amount of outbreaks he has, and the intensity of them, as also WHERE he gets them are things to think about.

But always remember, in the end, the choice is yours, and if you can't deal with it, don't feel guilty, nor ashamed. We all have our own deal breakers.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: redlightgo
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 3:14pm

Well, I see no reason why a relationship can't work with him.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?