cheating what do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
cheating what do you think?
19
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 9:47am

am so undecided on what to do and want to ask for some advice. If you are in a relationship were you have a gut feeling that something is wrong in that you think in some way your mate is not being faithful but you have no concrete evidence what would you do? Would you leave? Would you stay and just deal with these feelings until you know for sure or not?

My BF of a year acts shady in that he is locking his phone when he sleeps, takes his phone in the shower with him, always has it on him or around him within hands reach. When he goes places with his friends I am not invited and when I ask if I can go he says no. He will not let me see his phone ever and when I look over at him when he is using it or reading a text message he covers the phone or put it down so I dont see it. He is very secretive too were when I ask him where he is going he says I dont know a lot of the time. He is with me every nite and he does not go out a lot but I do work alot and I do have to work nites some times too so I am not with him all the time. I dont have any concrete evidence that he is doing anything but I have this feeling that something is wrong. How do I find out? or if I have no trust right know is it worth keeping?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:12pm
Thanks for your response. I am starting to see things clearly and I think I know what I need to do but just dont want to face reality. Since Sunday when he came back from his party he went to(for like an hour)he has been acting very cold and distant. When he came back right away (I figured he was going for a while at least a couple of hours) he came up stairs to finish watching to game. I followed and asked if everything was alright he said "yep". I said ok and and finished folding my laundry. He left went down stairs and a little while later I came down again to sit with him and he got up and said he was going to bed. I kept think did I do something say something? He was fine when he left for the party in an ok mood. When he came home totally different person. Started with the one line answer again. Monday same thing all day. He did not speak to me unless I said something and his response was short. Same thing that nite I came down to watch tv with him and he got up again and said I am going to bed. I was like what is wrong are u mad at me for something. His response "nope". Same thing yesterday to. I asked him if he could do something for me while I was at work and his response was "you do nothing for me so no." i did not want to argue so I did not say anything. This is a bunch a crap though because I do alot for him. Then again this morning again same attitude I said I really cant take this and I feel as though you dont want me around and I feel unloved. He said he is fine and he never said that. He has been angry about our living arrangements the last couple monthes too I have a roomate that does not want to move out and it is a long complicated story but he doesnt like what is going on and hold it against me. I am not sure if that is why he mad again or not but I even if it is that is no reason to be mad and not say anything to me for 4 days. I just dont know. I feel so sad, empty and confused. I have been stressing out over what is going on and why is he acting like this. He changes his moods like he changes his underwear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 3:45pm
He sounds like a total a$$hole that you need to get rid of. Why are you wasting your time and energy on a guy who is not there for you emotionally and physically??? Yes, yes you'll come back with the whole "but I love him" line but that doesn't matter. If he doesn't love you back it is not a real relationship. Let him go and find someone who will treat you right.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 5:36pm
Sweetie, it's obvious to everyone on this board that this man is cheating on you. If for some reason, he's not, he just doesn't want you anymore. But of course it's easier to see this from the outside than it does when you're the one in the relationship. Believe me, I've been through something similar. Most of us probably have. He finds reasons to be mad at you because it helps him justify his cheating in his mind. He doesn't want to think of himself as the bad guy so he transfers the blame to you. He knows you can't kick your roommate out, that's why he makes it an issue. I bet if you told him tonight that he could move in tomorrow he will come up with a million and one excuses why he can't move in with you. Please leave this man. You're not happy. You seem like a intelligent, loving women. Trust me, you can do better. You don't deserve to be treated like crap. He's not acting like a jerk because of something you did. He's just a jerk!! Oh. I didn't even mention the phone thing. My ex locked his phone. Turned out he had another girlfriend. This relationship has all the classic signs....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 3:56pm

I'd agree, that it seems pretty obvious that this guy is cheating, and at the very least, has a "take it or leave it" attitude about the relationship. Regardless of whether or not he's cheating (which hasn't been substantiated by proof), the proof is that the guy is a jerk ... just his moods and one-word answers would be enough for me to say "see ya later!"

As for the phone thing, if he isn't cheating ... and she's snooped in his phone (as I recall in another thread on another board, she said that she had) ... that would give him cause to be "close-fisted" on his phone. Even if he had nothing to hide, out of principle alone. It's a matter of privacy. I know that people say "a person who has nothing to hide hides nothing" ... but, for me ... even though i KNOW I have nothing to hide, if my BF snooped in my phone or my stuff ... I would NOT be happy about that. It's an issue of respect, trust and my personal rights of privacy.

Obviously, cheating is a breach of trust. As is snooping. And, I know that many will say that it's the suspicion of cheating that causes a woman to snoop. But, I disagree. If a woman has suspicions and doesn't trust that a guy is telling her the truth ... well, then ... where's the trust? If you're with someone and you can't take their word for their word ... if their word is fishy to you ... then, what's the point of being in a relationship with someone who's word you can't trust.

So, it's not the suspicions or the guy's behaviors that causes a girl to snoop. We all have to OWN our own actions and behaviors. It's a "grasping at straws" act of desperation, rather than taking the "high road" ... it's resorting to a lower standard.

When either of these things happen ... cheating, snooping, etc ... the trust is gone ... the standards of both parties are lowered. It's a "lose-lose" situation. On the same token, it's much easier to "be lowered" than it is to raise another up ... it is much easier to reduce ourselves to another person's level than it is to bring that other person up to our level/standard. That is when it takes a lot of strength and courage to say "I will not be lowered" ... and leave a relationship that isn't working ... yet, so many people will persist in what is resisting them ... thinking that if they stick around, they can "raise another person up" ... rarely, if ever does it work that way. Because the person who is trying to raise the other person's standards is generally pushing, prodding, suggesting, coaxing ... rather than simply accepting that person for who they are ... and that other person will resist their persistance ... because, "gosh darn it, if changes need to be made ... i'll decide when and how, not you!"

People raise themselves up by their own doing, on their own accord. If they're being asked to change, they'll likely resist it, even if they don't realize it.

Back to square one ... this guy's acting like a jerk because he wants to. He doesn't want or need to change because he can act out like a jerk without any consequences for acting like a jerk. If/when he realizes enough consequences in his life for acting like a jerk, and people start leaving him, pushing him away, calling him out on his crap, stop coddling him by asking "what's wrong?" ... then, and only then, will he have any motivation to "raise himself up" as per his NEW standards due to results of the consequences he's faced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 8:17am

I didn't get to read all the responses but regarding the ones I did read I would have to say I agree with Angelica. You do not have to validate your gut feelings with "proof". The fact you feel unloved and that he's ashamed of you is more then reason enough to leave if he wont even discuss the issue with you in a civil manner.

Don't bother snooping for proof it will only help to create an unhealthy and suspcious pattern for you in future relationships. As a reformed snooper the best advice I can give you is never get started. When we snoop we all secretly hope we wont be able to find proof, but the truth is we allways will find "proof" either because the guy is in fact messing around or because if you look hard enough and you're obsessed enough about it you'll find something innocent and twist into something that isn't.

The key to talking about this issue is remaining civil and not raising your voice. I know how hard it is sometimes. Like you I grew up in a loud and arguementative family. - Hey, we're Italian. It's bound to happen. - My husband is Italian too so the arguing he was used to, but in his family it lead to people not speaking to each other and a lot of anger and resentment. My family was like yours. Even when it did get personal everyone said "I'm sorry." and moved on within hours or a day at most. His didn'. His Dad still doesn't speak to him and declined coming to our wedding. Had I not changed the way I argue we would have never made it. He would have baled after fight #2.

Over the years I spent outside my family home, and before I meet my husband, I realized a really important thing about fighting. Once you're yelling, no one is listening and nothing is really getting resolved. It may make you feel better becasue you've vented you're anger, but that isn't the same thing as real resolution. You can tell because you keep having the same fight over and over.

I learned to discuss things calmly and to discuss my feelings passionately without allowing them to overwhelm me and when they do overwhelm me I put the discusison on hold until I can be calm again. It's just a much more effective way to communicate. It allows you to take your time and be sure you are expressing yourself clearly.

It seems to me your confusion is coming from two things: 1) You know you aren't neccessarily expressing yourself well and you think you haven't clearly expressed your need for him to be less secretive because of your own trust issues not neccessarily because he has done anyhting "wrong". As a result you think he has a viable excuse excuse for his behavior.

2) The second is your lack of "proof". Once again, don't go looking for it. Instead do some soul searching within yourself. Have you ever felt betrayed or been lied to by someone you loved? If so then you might be caring some baggage from that hurt and allowing that to make you suspicious without real cause. Are you making a mountian out of a mole hill? So he's paranoid about his phone, does he have a good reason to be? Have you been suspicious of him from day one or is that something that just started recently because his behavior changed?

Chances are if his behavior changed suddenly and you were never suspicious prior to the behavior change then your gut feeling is probably just that, a true gut feeling, one trying to give you a warning to leave. And your own instincts should be reason enough for you to leave him.

The bottom line is this is your life and you need to do what is best and healthiest for you. It doens't matter if you might not be being "fair" to him or you might not be "giving him the benefit of the doubt". What matters is you're unhappy and you've tried to resolve it and you can't. It doesn't really matter if it's his fault because he's a cheating jerk or your fault for not being a stellar communicator or for having some trust issues (and don't we all).

The important thing is you aren't happy with him and if you can't get resolution and you can't be happy with him then the only real solution is to leave him and find a way to be happy without him. The rest will sort itself out with time and inward reflection and you'll take those lessons and move into your next relationship wiser and happier.

If you're gut is telling you to run, it would probably be wise to listen. It may not seem like what's best for you right this minute, but in the long run it's generally right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:21pm

That's happened alot to my friends and their past boyfriends... and there's been times that they've actually asked me to ring him and pretend that they had gotten their number thru a friend of a friend...

now this has both has its positive and negative outcome! you get to find out whats really going on but then theres the guilt of going behind their back to find out this information.

I actually got a friend to ring my bf one time (we were going thru a rough time 4 years ago and he was thinking of calling it quits due to career reasons and i thought there was a girl involved)
So my friend did ring him and i was listening on the other line.. and she tried to flirt with him and asked to meet him and he told her his got a girlfriend. so i was so glad that he refused to meet with her.

i felt kinda bad about it.. coz we continued to still date.. so 6 months after what i did i confessed to him and he was totally cool about it. so yeh that turned out okay... but yeh not always the best option to do some detective work of your own! coz it can turn ugly at times!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 1:57pm

Trust is one of the most essential elements of a relationship. Once it's been shattered, it's difficult, if not impossible to regain. It is abundantly clear is that you do not completely trust this individual.

His extreme protectiveness of his privacy may a learned behavior he's developed due to trust issues with past relationships. It might be something that manifested itself somehow in your own relationship (ask yourself if that's a possiblity, and if so, where might that have stemmed from). He might be doing something illegal. Bottom line is that you don't know and it's taking a severe toll on the relationship. And chances are if it continues to go unresolved, it will not get better between the two of you.

That said;
This situation would be unhealthy for anyone. If you're still "with" this person, like it or not you have an emotional tie to him, and it is by no means easy to "just walk away". For the most part (at least half the time or better), you should derive happiness from your mate.

Take some time to look at the "bigger picture" and figure out if you're getting this from him. If you're honest with yourself, you'll gather the strength to make the right decision for you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 2:30pm

I know exactly where you're coming from. I had a b/f just like this. He never had his cell phone out in the open. The few times he DID have his cell phone out, it was locked. He wouldn't answer calls in front of me either. He wasn't interested in meeting my friends, and I remember a time where he wouldn't even give up going out to a club to meet my friends. He was also nowhere to be found on his days off. A good boyfriend would be interested in being with me on his days off work. I drew the line when he went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't even bother to call or text me to say something like "i love you" or "my trip is going good," etc. I had a horrible feeling. I never found out if he cheated on me, but I don't need to know, and neither do you. Whether he's cheating on you or not isn't the question. You deserve better regardless. This behavior only gets worse. Even if a man ISN'T cheating, he should still be open with you. Just because a guy isn't cheating doesn't mean he has the right to hide things.

I'm with this wonderful man now that's the total opposite. His phone's always out, he answers his calls in front of me, and makes every effort to see me. The funny thing is is that my new guy lives an hour & 1/2 away from me and I see him more than the ex that lived 10 minutes away. My new boyfriend doesn't give me any doubts in my mind, and I promise you if you stay with this guy, your heart will be broken either way. Either it will be broken by him cheating on you, or it will be broken because your instincts are eating you alive and you keep giving this guy the benefit of the doubt.

Dump this guy. I dumped my ex and I got over it after months of doubting myself. My ex is still living at home with his momma at age 31, still going to the clubs and living the single money spending life without a care in the world. Now I look back and laugh about how I ever put up with him in the first place. There's a lot of truth to the old saying, go with your gut." If something doesn't feel right, most likely it isn't right.

I really hope this helps. Please tell me how things are going. Best of luck to you and all of your endeavors. I hope you find a man who will let you sleep in peace at night and love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Ana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 7:49pm
I think you should sit down with him, and really tell him how his hiding his phone from you makes me worry and makes you question his honesty. If he really does care about you and has nothing to hide he shouldn't have a problem showing you his phone. It sounds really shady to me. If he sees how much this is hurting you or affecting the relationship he should do something about it and pu yours fears at ease... unless of course he really is hiding something...and if that does turn out to be the case. break it off with him because you don't need that or deserve it.

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