Clarifying Men's Actions vs. Words

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Clarifying Men's Actions vs. Words
17
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 2:18pm

Hopefully this helps,

Here's the 411 on "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS." So Pineapple, and all women, please listen up. This is important. There are a few crucial notes to take here. Let's examine what you just said in your previous message:

"he treats me like a queen, does anything for me, is always there for me, cares about me, etc, but he _______________ (fitb)"

~won't marry me
~can't say he loves me
~doesn't want to be with me in a r'ship way
~is willing to marry me, because I want it"

What do all 4 of those blank fill-ins have in common? Can anybody guess? Don't look ahead at my answer, just stop and look at them and think.... Let's sum those 4 up: No marriage, no verbal "I love you", no exclusivity, and will marry only if forced to. So two on marriage, one on exclusive, and one on "I love you". What do all 4 of those things apply to? Drum roll.... it's the big "C"-word ladies. Yup, commitment. Guys are big and strong and muscular (well some of us), but when it comes to committment we run for the hills.

The 2 on marriage and 1 on exclusivity are clearly saying to you exactly what you women want to hear us guys say to you, "We are committed to YOU and none other." "I love you" is just a form of saying, "I'm committed to you". Guys would rather jump in a pit of asps then commit to a woman before they are ready. Now there's the key. "BEFORE THEY ARE READY." You can force him earlier into commitment by making threats, but usually taking away sex (which is more evil than anything a woman can do) or just threatening to up and leave all together will get him to the altar, but for the wrong reason. Don't allow yourselves to do that, you are just setting your relationship/marriage up for failure. That's not a healthy way to start out something so important to you. Unfortunately you have to wait it out and just keep allowing the natural process to take it's course. You should still bring the C-word up to him etc, just don't force him into it. I know none of you women want to hear this but when it comes to commitment, guys are very sssssllllllooooooowwwwwwww......... So you have two choices: either dump him or wait for him to catch up to your level of commitment. I suggest the later, though it is hard.

Getting back to actions vs. words, just know that it IS TRUE. Sorry, I know you don't like it, and I know most women all respond more to verbal forms of love then physical. However, I believe the adage is very specific when it says, "Actions speak louder than words". The adage does not say,"Actions are the only important things to watch in a man, and therefore don't listen to a word he says." Com'on, you still gotta at least give a little validity to what he says, just not as much as his actions. Yes, his actions are more important, but they aren't the only thing. When I guys says something clear and serious to you, you need to seriously consider believing what he says. Yes, men lie. Guess what, so do women. Believe me, they lie to me everyday. It's diciphering the words with the actions that make the message clear to you.

For example, if a guy has been dating you for a while and he says, "I'm not looking for a g/f", then girl you had better believe him 100%. He wants to be FWB and nothing more. If a guy says, "I'm not ready for a commitment with you right now", that means he isn't ready to be pushed into one right now, but if things keep going well, his feelings will change. So when the relationship talk comes up, listen to what he is saying. He might stil lie or speak "man-ese" to you, but you can always ask another guy what the translation is. Plus, don't be afraid to ask a question or three when you two are talking about your relationship. Ask him what that means. You might find what you initially thought he said isn't really what he was saying.

Last key note: When you are in that moment of discussing the relationship (even if it's for 30 seconds as he is trying to sneak it by you via text message or just in passing), know this: he may be lying to you, he may be be partially lying to you, he may be trying to tell you the truth and doesn't know how, he might be speakin' man-ese, or he may be giving it to you straight up. Regardless of how much truth there is to what he is saying, remember he is definately saying something to you (in one form or another) and you had better perk up all 5 of your senses and your 6th one two before he starts, cuz believe me, it's important. Unfortunately it's your job to translate and understand (ask a guy).

However, most guys are mostly honest most of the time (no we ain't perfect, neither are women), and if he says he loves you but doesn't want a commitment, that's exactly what he means. Let me explain: I know women associate love and commitment as something that goes hand in hand, but men would love to separate the two things if they could. And they do in their head. Believe me, he does love you, he just might have feelings for somebody else too at that time. His love isn't mature enough yet. It needs to marinate over time.

Here's the key though: try not to stress about it, because if it's meant to be, then over time he will naturally be drawn to you, as you act yourself around him. Then he will add commitment to his list for things he wants with you... right under where he wrote "love" before. There is an order and timing thing to remember with guys. They love before they commit, not at the same time like women do. Sorry, we are just built that way. So do your best to just love him back and be yourself, all the while still watching out for yourself not to get hurt by him. Sorry ladies, love is a dangerous game. It involves risk like none others. If you don't risk, you can't gain anything, and that definately includes love.

-MFG

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 11:29am

This *could* be the case...OR, he could just be comfortable with a relationship for companionship and sex that's never going to go any further than that.

She needs to find out if he's even open to taking things further (assuming she wants more than a relationship of that type) so that she can make a choice about whether to continue in the relationship or let it go.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:48pm

Oh definately find out if he's open to getting married to you in the future, but I wouldn't try to pin him down as to any kind of timeline, unless of course he wants to.

I just see: Nice Guy + Treats her well + in his 40's + divorced with kids + they've been friends first = He's doing most things pretty well, and chances are he's just trying to sort out his past divorce mixed with his current relationship mixed with his past friendship with her. Find out if he's open to marriage (he's probably not completely opposed to it if he was married before, unless it was a nightmare marriage... which is possible)

Just make sure you let him know you aren't looking for anything specific with any marriage date of course, just that you want to know if marriage is on his mind at all with regards to her. I could be wrong, but my gut feeling is he's a nice guy with good intentions (eventually marriage), but he's been through a lot with his past marriage and wants to take things gradual as to make sure it is the right thing to do. I think it'll work out if you give it time. Just do what feels right to you.

Good luck,
-MFG

PS: I know this is the 21st century and all, and sex before marriage is a very common thing, but if women are so concerned that he's just in it for the sex and companionship, then don't give him sex if you aren't married yet. Then all he is left with is the "companionship", and if he sticks around just so he can be with you, I think you've definately got a keeper. I know to some that sounds rediculous, but as a guy, if I really like a girl, I'll go slow physically, even with the kissing, just so she knows I'm into her personality/mind/spirit, not just her body. I know holding back physically is hard, especially for the guys, but it's a sure way of knowing his intentions, or of a guy showing his intentions to her. The problem here is you've already let him in the door (sexually) and so I don't think you can kick him out of the door after you've already let him in. Maybe just something to keep in mind for the future possibly.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 1:21pm

Yes, that's what I'm talking about...finding out if he's even open to marriage (or whatever it is that SHE wants), not talking about specific timelines.

You'd really wait over a *year* to have sex with someone? I'm all for going slow but to me, that means waiting until you've been dating steadily for 2-3 months.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 1:43pm

Sheri,

Well everyone has their own feelings about it, but yes, I'd wait as long as it takes. If I end up dating a virgin who believes in waiting until you are married, then I'd totally wait. Even if she wasn't a virgin, and just wanted to wait until marriage, I would totally do that out of respect for her. Plus, as much as I love sex (I really, really do, as most guys do), is it really so important that I have to have it if I'm in a committed relationship? Does committment have to mean sex is required? To me, the right girl is worth anything. I would go to the moon and back for her... if she's "the one", and that includes holding off on sex. I just hope I find her soon, cuz I'm still lookin'! :)

-MFG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 8:17pm

Thanks! Your advise is sound and I loved your convesation with Sheri.

Just typing to you the other day helped my thought-process a lot (if only a journal worked so good). Honestly, I know I'm not ready for another marriage yet, so he's getting no pressure from me there. However, for all the things he's said this year, I thought we'd be further along, and I'm just beginning to realize that it's my head that's making me feel trepidatious - not his actions/words. You also made me remember his statement from many months ago with - taking it slow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 8:58pm
Your conversation with Midwest was great - thanks for your input. Because the friendship was there first, I didn't think too hard about us in the beginning and it's taken me four months to realize 'hey, I think this is a real relationship'. No, we didn't discuss our direction when we first began this new phase and it was his "exclusive" request that made me ask myself what I really wanted, and my answer is always one word: HIM! Hence, enter the fear, but I'm proud to say I have verbally put that out there. I've been lurking on these boards for a while, enjoying other's viewpoints, but the actions/words thread really hit home. I'm okay with taking it slow, however, I'm praying we won't be in this same space next year. Thanks again for your viewpoint!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 10:24am

Masco,

Thanks for the compliment. I really do think he's a great guy, but no matter how great he is, Northwest is right, don't just let him take as long as he feels like. Just over the next few weeks or months when any kind of talk about the future comes up, just ask him if he's still open to marriage, and if he can potentially see it in the future. Or maybe when the time is right, ask him about his past marriage and divorce, and then maybe say, "Did that make you feel like marriage isn't for you anymore, or is that something you'ld try again with the right woman?" Again, don't try to pin him down to any timeframe yet, just find out if it's on his mind/willing to consider it. Other than that, just lay back, relax and enjoy the relationship.

As Aerosmith said, "Life is a journey, not a destination." Enjoy the process of getting to know him and growing together, don't let the outcome distract you too much. I do believe in things happening for a reason. I don't know if you're religous, but I believe God is up there not only watching, but directing traffic (so to speak) as well.

-MFG

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