Cold feet or the grass is greener?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Cold feet or the grass is greener?!
9
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 4:10pm

I posted before about my med student BF who I split with in early May because he was planning to move in with his classmate for the next year this September and not with me (we are together for 6 mos). We broke up on Monday (May 2) as he said that his career was the most crucial thing for him at that time. On Thursday (May 5) he called me back, said that we should talk, we met on Fri and he said that he was not moving anywhere for another year, he didn't want to lose me, asked me to be patient, etc. Everything is peachy, we had "the talk", he loved me, he sees a future with me, blah-blah..

Earlier we had a few fights when I found out that he often called and received calls from female friends. He promised that this would stop and it did (or he was good at erasing the call logs).

after we got back together a girl called a few times that turned out to be a girl that he met online before me but never met in person, she keeps calling to check in if he is still with me (she called once when we were having issues and he wanted to keep his options open), i found out and he called her in front of me to tell her that they should not talk anymore, he was with me, blah-blah.. After that I get phone logs review rights as I need to build trust and need to see that girlz are over...

This holiday weekend was his grandpa's b-day, entire family was coming to the city and it was "meet the parents" kinda event. We discussed it long time ago, he seemed fine and we were a little nervous (he is very close with his Mom). The weekend is over, the family loved me, he is excited, but...

Nosy me had to check the phone log on Sunday morning and.... He saw me this past Tuesday night and went home, didn't take me with him as he claimed he needed some sleep. As soon as he walks out, he txt msg to a girl "Call me if it's not too late" and calls her and talks for 40 mins until midnight. I approached him about it and he said he was nervous about the family weekend and wanted to get some weed for fun this w/e. Not good, but OK...He begs me to come with him to another family outing on Sunday, we would talk later. Back home he refuses to talk about it, goes to bed early.

Monday morning I decided to check the phone to see if the story makes sense timewise, find another call to the friend of a weed girl the day before and another call to a girl at night and an 1.5 hr phone talk during the week when we broke up, and it's a girl again. He wakes up, we talk:
- he is still online after we got back together and the excuse is that he got cold feet (apparently, meeting the family is only 10 miles away from moving in and a marriage; online flirting for a month before meeting the family is like sleeping with a prostitute before getting married); wanted to see whether the other lawn's grass was greener, whether this was what he wanted to have 10 yrs down the road (his parent divorced when he was 16); another one is that it's a harmless flirt and a way to get attention (and I give him tons of it!),
- as for the girls, he thinks it's still cold feet and the grass thing (after talking to them he realizes his grass is still greener).

Result: I pack him and almost kick him out, he is begging to reconsider, at my suggestion erases all girs' names from the phone and promises to change his phone # as soon as he get his schedule done within the next 2 months (his applications have his cell phone # only), I am crushed, no trust left whatsoever, he knows that next time will be it and I don't want to wait until the next time as it hurts as hell... And still don't want to lose him...

Is this a normal “cold feet” behavior? Or is he looking for a replacement while being with me? Is it worth waiting that at some point this will work out or will the trust always be an issue?!

Thanks a lot, I know it was a long one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 4:29pm

My honest two cents.

I think he was staying with you, because he was going to be "in town" another year, and wanted sex and someone to be with. And you were willing.

And yes, I think he's using you and finding someone else better on the side.

He sounds like scum and I would definitely not go back to him. The fact that he needs weed, is already a big no-no in my values book. Is it in yours? The fact that he's texting ppl as SOON as you're out of sight, says a lot to me too.

I honestly think he's just using you for the next year, until he leaves, at which time, he'll tell you you're not what he wants.

I'm sorry and I know it hurts, but it'd be best for you to find someone else. You do NOT need that kind of drama.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:21pm

Run, Run, Run...

I'm telling you from personal experience. I was with someone I couldn't trust. Same deal with the call logs. He even gave me his e-mail password. But every time we fought, he would call his ex girlfriend. I know there wasn't anything going on there, but it was the fact that he had promised me he wouldn't call her again. I stayed with this guy for 8 months. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find someone else to care about me, but the torture I went through and the anxiety of always thinking about who he was talking to, if he was lying to me, etc. wasn't worth it.

Get out of this relationship. It is not healthy. If there is no trust, things are not going anywhere.

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:12pm

UPDATE: BUSTED!!!
You're right guys - the man is a scumbag!!!
On Wed I sent him an e-mail summarizing all the reasons why we shouldn't be together: his lies, lack of feelings from his side, no trust from mine... He replied with an email, pretty much saying that our fights never brought him to the "zone" where he could not live without me... Hi considers his online dating chats as a "cheap entertainment" that would come to an end after we eventually move in together... He accepts and respects my decision even though he doesn't agree with it and he doesn't know if he can let me go...

On Thursday night he called me, saying that it's hard to go from talking to me several times a day and spending weekends together to nothing, I replied that that's why it's called a break up, not a phase out. He asked whether he could call me the next day, and after i asked "why?" he said he didn't know. I suggested that if he doesn't know, he shouldn't call at all. He was mumbling something about space and figuring things out, that if he sees that he cannot live without me and I was "the one", then he would come back and prove that he is trustworthy...

We originally met online, and a few months ago i set a free dummy profile with no pic to see if he was still on this site. This week I added a picture of a gorgeous blonde, very sexy. Only members can contact each other, and neither him nor the dummy are members. He encoded his yahoo messenger name in the profile, and it was easy to pull him into the conversation on Friday night....

Anyway, he chatted with the "hot girl" and I found out how not-innocent his online flirting was: he poured out everything about me (not the one, didn't love her, demanding, wanting to spend all her time with him), agreed to drive 40 mins away to meet her without talking on the phone first (he is a spontaneous type, that was easy) for a dinner at 11:30pm on Fri (and he had to be at work the next day by 8am, which is 1 hr commute). He came back home and send her a msg at 1:30 am saying that he was 5 mins late but call the place exactly on time and was told that nobody was by the bar, he waited until 12:10am and drove home...

On Sat night I got a last minute invite for a bachelorrette party, went to a strip club and got drunk, sent him a txt msg "You're right - strip clubs are fun!" He freaked out, called me back and grilled me about what exactly i did with the strippers... When I got home, I checked the dating website and saw that he checked out tha blonde's profile right after he spoke to me that night and mine a couple of hours later. And he took off his prifile completely (or probably just temp de-activated it)... I was clicking around and was stupid enough to click smtg that sent him an email saying that I was interested in him...

He calls me on Sun, we go back and forth about us, I admit that I have my closure now as I can prove that his online flirting was not that innocent. He suspected that it was me, and I admitted, he said that actually wouldn't be surprised to see me at the bar instead of the blonde. He asked me to meet for lunch, and I keep saying that I need to move on, and he is torturing me, no lunch... I said that I wanted my stuff back eventually and our phones split (we got a family share plan), he said I should pick it up ASAP so that he can have his closure and it's a torture for him as well. As for his stuff, he said I could through it out. We agreed that he would drop my stuff of at my work's reception. We ended with "Have a nice life!"...

Silly me, half an hour later I called him to suggest that I can leave his stuff by the reception and he can pick it up when he drops off mine. He yelled at me for calling about some BS and that I tortured him now with a lame excuse. I said that even though my head said that there is no point, he would never change and I will never have a peace of mind with him, my heart still cannot let go...

He remembered my friends who split for a few months, then got back together and got married, live happily... Said something that maybe we will go through the same... BUT: mu frinds fought about some BS, not lies and lack of trust...

How can I get over him? What if starts seeing other people but they wouldn't be good enough and he would come back just to get by until he finds his "the one". He could tell me that he realized that i was "the one" but I would never know the truth and deep inside I would know that is always on a lookout...

Confused and hurt as hell...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:25am

Wow, you'd make a good detective, lol.

That really sucks, I'm sorry that you had to go through that *hugs*.

Getting over him won't be easy -it never is. However, you will get through this. As for him crawling back to you, just kick him to the curb! If you find yourself missing him, or wanting him back just remember all the hurtful, sh*tty things that he's done to you. No one should be treated like that, especially not by someone we give our hearts to.

You'll find true love when you're good and ready. Don't settle for someone who treats you badly, you deserve better!

Best Wishes :O),
Yvy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 12:05am

another update...

we broke up but ex called a coulple of times saying that he was thinking, missing, etc.
on Sat, 6/18, I did a VERY bad thing: as I was getting convinced that should give him just another try, i was able to get access to his yahoo acct... i wish i haven't...

turns out, he was lying to me about his female "friends" all along: he kept swapping XXX pix with one of the girls he slept with a week before he met me, girls were sending him their pix and it was clear that they were follow ups to their IMs, and some of the pix were quite revealing... i compared the dates with the events and he was doing this all alone, even when we didn't have issues... and he lied about how he knew girls: a friend of a friend, a classmate, etc... i was feeling sick... on Sunday he called me saying that he was missing me and wanted to get back together but i said that he should move on... "Why, you've found someone already?!', and I said "No, not yet, but I will eventually, I just don't want to be with you anymore.."

He called me back Monday AM asking when he can come over to swap our stuff, I said Tuesday after work. I called him Tue to give him the time when I gonna be home, that I would come downstairs and we would do it outside... he pushed for "we need to talk"... i played with him and he kept lying about the girls, eventually i admitted what i did, he flipped and said that he would throw out my stuff... 10 mins later he called back and said that he was coming over...

he came, tried to get me back, said he would do anything to get me back, including:
- i will get his laptop and when he has to use it, he would come over
- i can get access to his phone bills as this will keep him away from calling and accepting "bad" calls
- he loves me and he is not saying it just to get me back
- move in together in late August (he needs a different location)

he admitted that after we broke up he met 3 of the online girls.. he said nobody was as good as I was... I was amazing, anything a man can dream of... he wants me back...he knows he hurt me and swears he wouldn't do anything to hurt me again... i cannot be replaced... he is nothing without me, a big fat loser... he wanted space but now he got way more that he bargained for....

i said NO to everything, that he didn't deserve me and I deserved a better man... i will not trust him again... all the measures he offered would make him feel controlled and he would hate me for that...i said that I will keep looking... i will not go back to him if I don't find anyone by August as i would always think that I was settling for something i don't want, and if i find someone and things go well, i will try to work on the new relationship... he asked if he could still see me or talk to me, and another "NO" as this would hold me back... i advised him to start dating, and if he falls for someone, then he should pursue it... if i meet someone, i will work on that... but if he still wants me back in 2 months, and i decide that nobody is as good as he was, we will talk about it....

his last word were "Please, don't fall in love..."

i know it's confusing....

should I give him another try?
is he just trying to get me back or a move-in offer shows his serious intentions?
would 2 months waiting show that he still cares for me?
or would it be awkward to start living together after 2 months of no contact and with me thinking about how many girls he slept with while without me?

please, any input is great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:58am

No you shouldn't take him back.

It sounds ot me like the only reason he's really interrested is because he doesn't know how ot be alone. He stays with you because the alternative is being alone and, frankly, if you're comletely hinest with yourself you'll find that you're doing the same thing.

I mean think about it... if this guy really was the one and you were really madly in love him and thought it could last forever do you REALLY think you'd be hoping to find something better in the next couple of months.

Let me tell you based on my experience, when you find the right guy you don't have to jump through hoops and test your relationship to know he's the one, you just know. And the right one, as a general rule, isn't the guy who is hanging on to you because he's afraid to be alone let alone try to hook up with other girls while he's seeing you.

I know it's tempting to test the relationship and decide that if it's real you wont be over him in a couple of months or threaten to end it and see how he reacts. I've done it too, but those test really only test how afraid you are to be alone not how in love you are. When you're ready you'll find a person you can spend the rest of your life with and you wont need a test to know it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 2:09pm

OK, people, please feel free to throw stones at me again but i am giving him another chance (a bit long, though...)

After exchanging our stuff back in June, we didn't communicate for almost a month, although i got a couple of IMs from him last week, which sounded like "Still think about you, miss you, hoping you are well.. and happy", and i responded with some sarcastic comments and how i still cannot believe how he could betray my trust on so many occasions...

We ended up IMing last Monday and when his laptop overheated, he called me for the first time. We spoke about the issues we had, why he went searching online, etc. Now his reasoning is that i put him under tons of pressure within first couple of months of dating by mentioning my plans to start a family within next 3 years, pulling an "I am pregnant and I am keeping it..." joke on April's Fool Day after 4 mos of dating and saying the 'L' word first the same day, having high expectations for him while he has to concentrate on his career for another year. He said he went online to find some casual diversion, with no expectations and pressure. He admitted that he screwed up, he should've taken a break or we would've had a discussion about the pressure issues. He said that he was aware of the expectations but prefered to be thr man in the relationship and to do things and make decisions at his own pace.

Anyway, he said that if ge gets another chance he would discuss all the issues with me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me again. I agreed to start dating him again while I would see other people (I am doing online dating) and if I see improvements, I would become exclusive with him. He said he would do whatever i am willing to accept.

He called me Tuesday night again, we got into the topic whether he was intimate with anyone over the past 2 months. He swore that he made out with a couple of people on a couple of occasions but no sex. I was not really thrilled about that but what the heck, I did the same... While being on the topic of making out, he bluffed and suggested to drive over and have a 10 min make out sessin in his car, i called the bluff... he came over and actually came upstairs as he forgot his phone and couldn't call me to come down... Well, he is back, he stayed over, we were talking a lot and he seemed to be excited about getting back together..

On Wed I had a date scheduled after work, and he knew about it. I didn't enjoy the date as my mind was with my ex, i was wishing he was there with me in the park instead of my date. After thinking and talking to my friends, I decided to become exclusive with my ex and see what happens (the reasoning is that while i am dating others, he would definitely chase me until i am with him, but the real test is to see his actions when he already has me). I told him my decision, he was glad to hear that. But then he told me that he would try his best in the new relationship, except for he is taking his medical board test in 2 mos and the next 2 mos will be hectic. I suggested to prolong the break and get together whn he has more time, he refused by saying that he missed me too much. He mentioned last month that he wants to move in with me, I can have access to the phone bills and his laptop. When I asked him whether this was something he still wanted to do, he said that it wouldn't be good in a long-term, this would create all the pressure again as these suggestions were made in an attempt to get me back, not because he cannot live without me and wants to move in together to spend all his time with me. He wantes to progress to things naturally..

On Thursday before I got off work he called me and said that he would come over that night and stay over for the weekend. I said that we shouldn't get intimate yet on a regular basis as it would make me more attached to him, and I would prefer not to until I see his behavior changes. He agreed but said it would be tough to drive daily back and forth all weekend long, I made plans for Fri after work and Sat daytime without him and then he said he would see me on Sat night, drive home and come back on Sun morning again. I thought it over, called him back and said that it's becoming too complicated, he should pack for the weekend and come over. He came over an hour later than he was supposed to and said he was taking a nap, but he called a couple of girlz on the way to my place and left messages telling them that he canot be in touch with them anymore and he was back with his ex. We had dinner, went to the beach with some wine and skinnie dipping, etc. and had a great time, we spent Fri on the beach and had a dinner on a boardwalk, I went to the beach with a friend and we went out dancing on Sat night, spent Sunday catching up on sleep and went to a a local amusement park Sun night...

Everything seems great, we are both happy to be back together, BUT... on Sunday morning i looked into his phone to see how bad the situation was and how many girlz could still intrude. Turned out, before he came to see me late on Thu. he was on the phone with some girl who was pretty regular on his caller ID, and I also noticed that he got calls from a girl he saw before he met me but whose name was deleted from a contacts list. I approached him about his "minor" lies about the nap and he said that he was on the phone telling the girl that he was back with me (it's hard to believe that it took more than an hour to discuss that but whatever), and with the prior girl it was just some chats, he didn't meet her. I asked him again about the intimacy and this time I made it s straight-forward question: "Tell me that you neither slept, gave or received BJs over the time we were apart", and he replied that he didn't want to talk about it. Even if he was with someone, it was after a break up and he is with me know.

I am a very visual person, and every time he smiles at me or is kissing me, i cannot help but think that he did the same to other women after we broke up... Even though i think he is really trying to work things out this time, i keep thinking about him and other women. I know that there is an "on the break" clause in effect but still i feel upset about it.

I really want to be with him, i just think to make it work this time is to give him his freedom, be more independent and don't build my life around him (this way he is not pressured to think that my happiness depends on his actions), be less controlling (however, he promised to tell me about every call he makes or receives and not lie to me about anything).

I am getting very confused, I want to be with him and I am afraid to get hurt again, and he knows very well about that. Am I digging my own grave again or does he seem to be trying to work things out? Any other pointers/suggestions on how to make things work this time?

P.S. Sorry for being too detailed, i figured it might help :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 5:22pm

ym387...

Would you mind clearing up a little confusion in Pianoguy's head???

When you ask for advice about a man you don't completely TRUST...and the majority of the ivillage population suggest that you DROP HIM....what's your motivation IN GOING BACKWARDS?

You obviously haven't gotten the message that you're dating "a nut job?" But I suppose if you enjoy "abuse"----nothing I (or anybody who reads your posts) can say that will convince of you of this???

So I can only wish you well.

It's obvious you won't be COMPLETELY HAPPY until "he lies, dumps you or cheats on you!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 07-26-2005 - 7:48am

I don't intend to be mean but I have to tell you all the details really do is show how desparately you are trying to justify a poor decision to YOURSELF.

Maybe you should go back and reread the thread. You already know this is a bad choice and yet you're convincing yourself to make it anyway.

The one smart thing you said in your new post is that you need to be more independant and not build your life around him. You shouldn't be building your life around anyone. It is your life. It's great to have people to share your life with, but it's your life and your choiices and it's your happiness at stake.

Being more independant to "keep the pressure off him" is STILL leading your life around him. You aren't planning to truly become more independant your planning on acting more independant and more secure to keep a guy.

I did it too when I was younger and it worked and happily the side effect of being dumped in spite of my efforts was that slowly, by acting that way, I actually became more independant and now I have a guy who actually loves and apprecaites me for me instead of becasue of my acting abilities.