THE COMMITMENT-PHOPE

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
THE COMMITMENT-PHOPE
6
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 9:11am
So, i have this ex-boyfriend who of coursed i have loved very much. We dated for 2 1/2 years on and off and yesterday after over a year of not being together we hooked up. The reason why we always break up is b/c he's afraid of commitment(i am guessing long-term or engagement) and everytime he sees that he's too in love with me he gets scared.
Long story short we are hooking up and we decided it was going to be non-exclusive, which is fine by me, but i can't help but wish that he would come around. I know he still loves me he's just afraid of having a relationship. How do we help guys overcome these fears. We are both in our early 20's, so it's obvious that i am not looking for an engagement or anything of the sort. I just wish he would let him self love me. What should i do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:01am

My dear after 2 1/2 years of being with a BF I would want to have some kind of commitment too. This guy is just too young and immature to be making big decisions like that. Granted you said you are in your early 20's... it's really not until you are in your later 20's that both men and women are financially and emotional ready for that stuff. I got out of a LTR basically because it wasn't going anywhere, he was to busy playing with his friends, buying toys he doesn't need, going out drinking at least once a week, etc. Sounds like this guy doesn't want to be with you, and you may have been pressuring him into "commitment" or anything that was long term. Trust me, guys get scared when you pressure them, just let it happen. He doesn't want to be with anyone right now, so just let him be. You had him for almost 3 years, just look back on that as a learning experience.

Doing the friends with benefits deal really DOES NOT work unless you two are completely over each other. Plus it doesn't last. It sounds like you still have feelings for him, and maybe he does too. But understand that the FwB will hurt you in the long run. I would honestly get what you need out of it and then move on to someone better for you.

You personally can not help him overcome any fears...only he can do that. The best thing to do is to move on from him, with no contact, or anything, and try to move on with your life and forget about him for a while. You will think differently about him once you are over him.

Think about it this way, the faster you get your ex out of your life, the sooner you will be over him. Think about the reasons why you too broke up, how many times you were upset or unhappy, and do you REALLY want to go back to something like that, to someone that won't commit to you. Men don't change!

Remember that times heals all wounds, and with time maybe he will grow up a little. I was with my ex from 22-26, and he's now 25 and he still is contacting me ever now and then. I'm betting on reality smacking him upside his head in the next few months. He's still in that period of trying to figure himself out and getting established. Where as I'm already there, and I want someone to be on that same level. He just wasn't in so many other ways, that he's got some personal work to do. But it's all a learning experience.

Sometimes when your just over that hump...moving on.. and then he'll start knocking at your door again...because he knows that the grass is green on this side. It's really doubtful at this time in your life that you two will get back together, so for you it's best if you have some closure to him, and get on with your life. Don't waste your time on someone that won't spend time with you. You'll be happier in the long run!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 5:50pm
U are so right and i considered it but i guess i just got caught up in it all. I know it's a bad idea and i know i probably will get burned but i just wish we could work it out. I feel like i can't give up until he gives himself the chance to love me the right way. I know it's terrible and i am stupid for even feeling this way but i can't help it. I guess i keep thinking that he will eventutally come around.
As far as the no contact, it seems to be impossible. Everytime we breakup we always saythis is the last shot" but we always find our way back to oneanother. We have been broken up for evoer a year, w/ no sex, and i was over him but once we see eachother again, it all comes back. i dunno. I guess it's not gonna end until i find someone else to move on with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:26am

I honestly think that the most likely reason for him not committing is because you're not *the one* for him. You may well be almost perfect for him, but you're not exactly it.

I've known quite a few commitment phobes in my time and they all had one thing in common: they've settled down without a problem when they meet the right girl.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:41am
You're missing a key ingredient. A man will not commit until he makes the conscious decision to prioritize a committed relationship in his life. There are many factors that come into play before a man makes that decision. A woman can be Miss Perfect in every single way, but unless he has made that prioritization decision, the committed relationship isn't going to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 1:42am

Quite true.

My DH dated a lovely woman when he was in his early - mid 20's, however, he prioritised beer and mateship over 'settling down'. He's even admitted to me that had he been in a different head space back then, he may well have married her.

By the time I came along (when he was 30), he had changed his attitude and was looking to settle down with someone.

Having said all that though, I do know men who have prioritised beer and mates over settling down with a girlfriend....then the perfect woman comes along and they suddenly sort out their priorities.

Perhaps it's a combination of both love AND lifestyle?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 6:26am

iv_aisha2004,

So there is hope for me and my guy still!! I have a committ phob on my hands at least thats what I diagnosis him with! LOL I have to agree with you on this one, because as time has gone by, and I even walked away once and he came back, there has been a slow but steady change in him. Its like watching a flower grow and bloom!! It takes a lot of patience on the other persons part, and Im not usually a patient person, but I think hes worth me digging down deep and finding all the patience I can muster up! The man is now making plans with me for over the summer. Long weekends at the beach, crabbing trips etc.......he even talks about those times with such excitement and says he cant wait for winter to be over so we can do these things together. Blows me away somedays !!