Commitment vs. Marriage
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| Wed, 02-01-2006 - 6:35am |
The history. We met on the heels of bad relationships; he had just been left by his long time girlfriend and I was getting a divorce. (7 years married, 8 years “together,” 10 years as friends, amicable divorce. He had been divorced twice and had spent the past 7 years being stalked by an ex-girlfriend.)
To be honest we both assumed if anything “developed” it would be a re-bound relationship so we both went into it saying “just sex and good times, no more.” Over the course of the first six months we ended up falling in love with everything “about” each other... But we figured that would go away, that the novelty would fade eventually. We are both realists; we agreed that when it’s gone oh well, but for now we’ll enjoy the good times. Rebound relationships never work out….
So here we are; 6 years down the road; we have a house and mortgage and everything you could imagine in each others names, we lost a baby together, I’m raising his 12 year old son, he’s raised my two boys, I’m on his life insurance, I've got POA, we’re working on our wills, our families razz us about when we’ll tie the knot, and we’re still together, still enjoying being together, still happy together...
We talk about how many years it’ll be before my youngest is out of the house, the trucks we bought to rebuild for the boys when they are old enough to drive, and the fact that my Mom is getting savings bonds for his son’s college. Then we started getting serious about a remodel of our house, to make room for his son (we filed for custody about a year ago and it should be finalized this month.) My BF says “within a year we’ll never have to plan on moving again because this house will last for the rest of our lives!” casually he adds, “What are we going to do with three empty bedrooms when the boys move out?” and we start chatting about turning half the upstairs into a personal home theater, keeping one room for our guests, of course…
So I’m sitting here thinking what is wrong with me? I’ve got a great BF, he’s a West Point Graduate, supported my staying home with the boys and still does, wants me to follow my dreams and go back to college now that they are in school, we love spending time together, and talk almost non-stop. I trust him completely, I love being with him, around him, and I truly love him. Everything points to us being a perfect couple. Yet all I can think about is being “single” for the rest of my life. My head is telling me that we are never going to get married, that I need to leave him and find someone who can "commit," my heart says that I can't leave him, and logic says he's more committed then some husbands I know...
Why am I so twisted in knots about us getting married, enough that I am thinking about leaving him over it?

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Thank you all for your replies; to save time I will just respond all at once. I tried to be short, but I couldn’t…
We’ve talked about marriage, at first he said he thought he wanted to get married again eventually, I said me too. After he moved in with me I talked to him about marriage and that I felt stronger about getting married again, he said he wasn’t sure about marriage but he really didn��t know about the relationship anymore, “It’s like instant family, just add BF.” He told me he didn’t love me and moved out for about 6 months. We got back together, he said he wanted the whole family thing, said he had lied about his not loving me because he thought it would be easier for me. I understood, I accepted, but I sometimes wonder if I ever forgave… We no longer said “I love you” to each other after that, but I believe we do…
Since then we’ve talked ourselves blue in the face trying to figure out how we feel about marriage many times with no resolution or anything solid. I think I decided I had a strong desire to get married again in about year 2; he’s been trying to decide what he’s doing since then. Mostly I think he doesn’t want to go through another split, I can understand his fears; every time he has split up it has ruined his life; family, friends, career, and finances; he’s restarted his entire life over at least four times. He puts so much of himself into his relationship that it really becomes a sink or swim situation. So I totally understand why he’s so hesitant, that’s probably why I’ve dealt with it for the past 4 years, but it doesn’t change the way “I” feel anymore…
Maybe 6 months ago I asked BF if we could talk again. His response was so defensive and hostile. Basically can’t we just be together without ever talking about this again. I was taken aback because he wasn’t in a bad mood or anything; we had been chatting, joking, and laughing moments before. I guess he sort of apologized he said, “if that’s even what you were talking about… I guess I should hear the question first,” and later said that he thought we were “doing better.” But I couldn’t even talk to him anymore; it just crushed me that he would lash out like that. Without even knowing what I was going to say he started making excuses, started complaining about me trying to talk to him, started saying no.... How can I honestly tell myself that we have a future when he reacts to even discussing it like that?
There are other things that bother me too; like the last time we got in a fight. My first thought was that this would be a good time to end this… I stayed up at the cabin for about a week, I had to get away and cool off. The part that bothers me is that even after I calmed down; I missed our house, our dogs, my cats, and my routine the most. I missed him too, but not like before, not sharp, not aching. It should have been more important… It’s like my heart is giving up, like the issue is draining my love for him away.
After a few days I called him “to talk about it,” he said he wanted me to come home but he didn’t really talk about anything but work and the dogs. I tried to explain but couldn’t really say anything concrete. I don’t understand fully myself, except that for whatever reason, my opinion of our future is stuck on no marriage, no deal. His goodbye statement was basically that I could stay or go, like he didn’t care either way. But we’ve both got the ability to just shut off the emotions so I can’t say that’s the way he meant it.
We still can’t say I love you to each other; I’ve tried to but I can’t even make myself do it unless I’m yelling at him. The walls have been built and reinforced, it’s like I can’t open up to him emotionally anymore without being on the edge of leaving him. It’s not that the feelings are not there though – often I’ll catch a glance of him and I think to myself, “God I love him.” When he comes home I still get that fuzzy happy feeling. Yet in bed at night I’m lucky if I can even push myself to cuddle up to him, much less tell him what my heart wants me to say. Maybe he’s got the same problem I do but in a different way or maybe this is the fade that we thought would come a long time ago.
I can’t help wondering how can I spend the rest of my life with someone when I can’t say I love them and how can I stay with someone who can’t say they love me… It’s so stupid, so illogical that I just can’t process it. From the outside we are a great couple; we laugh a lot, we talk to each other constantly, we connect, we have almost the same life goals, we think alike, we do things alike, and we have a good sex life. But on the inside the marriage thing just gnaws at me; maybe not so much the reluctance to do it as much as the reluctance and inability to even talk about it, to understand each other. It bothers me that he has such a hard time dealing with his feelings, but I can’t really deal with mine either. I honestly believe he loves me but I think it still affects me that he doesn’t ever tell me.
Basically the good and bad things in our relationship just tie my brain into knots, and I have to yank on this string or that string to get through each day; it drives me crazy. One minute I feel like screaming that I love him from the mountain, the next I’m biting my tongue so I don’t say it because it’ll scare him away, yet I believe he loves me so it shouldn’t, but I don’t know if he could deal with it, but I can’t bottle it up like this, but I can’t say anything, over and under…. I can’t help wondering if I love him enough to do this for the rest of my life.
I try to figure out why marriage is so important to me, I get things like not wanting to put “single” on everything, not wanting to file “single” taxes, wanting to share something special with him, wanting to celebrate our love with our families, wanting to be a “normal” family, wanting to know that he does want to be with me, wanting to take his name, wanting him to be my children’s step-dad and wanting to be his son’s step-mom legally, wanting to wear a wedding dress, wanting a clear message on my hand that I’m taken, wanting to be on his health insurance, wanting to say he’s my husband, wanting to hear him say I’m his wife, death to the “boyfriend/girlfriend” words… Nothing really sticks out though, it’s all jumbled miscellaneous things that have accumulated over the years we’ve been together I guess.
We are both pretty traditional overall. I don’t think either of us really wants to give up on the relationship because like I said the feelings seem to be there. Stupid as it sounds I don’t believe in divorce, I won’t even try to explain it. We’ve thought about counseling but both of us have had bad experiences with them in the past, although mostly because the ex that stalked BF for 7 years is a counselor. (There is no way we could have faith in it working; this lady can’t even talk about buying son a pair of glasses without screaming obscenities into the phone about how he picked them out so he needs to wear them, even if they do scrape the skin off the back of his ears….)
Anyway, like I said, I don’t know what to do, what to think anymore… Everything is so messed up. I just can’t imagine myself staying with him if we won’t ever get married, I just can’t think of myself not being a wife again… I think he just wants to leave everything the way it is so it doesn’t change, he told me once that marriage wasn’t for him, every time he got married things went down hill, he said maybe I turn into an ass or something. I don’t think that was the case though, his ex wives had issues, all of his exes had issues, from depression to immaturity. I don’t think I have those problems and he should know that by now.
I’ll stop now because I’m just talking in circles.
Ah, I think I've got the picture. Easier from an objective "been there, done that - back again" perspective.
This guy's two ex's - they're like him. That's why you two keep talking about "feelings". We don't know how we "feel" about marriage.
And basically, this guy has never "grown up". It's hard to see where you are - but having been like him - I get it.
He has never defined what is of value and importance to him. He's not outlined his values, principls, ethics, and standards so that he has boundaries, self-expectations and requirements, goals, and can prioritize.
all that has ever happened is that when bligation and responsibility came with fun and excitement - he had no problem living up to the obligation and responsiblity OF THE MOMENT.....provided the fun and excitement still continued.
So what you'e describing is that you're living "second to second' with someone in a "forever" mindset....which is why you're in knots.
He's in this relationship because you're fun, exciting, sexy, and enjoyable...he's a good guy and has no problem providing for your children, and paying bills. He'd do that on his own if he lived alone - so paying joint bills and having these additional responsibilities isn't a chore - it's "part of the package of being with you".
That sounds so great......he accepts the responsiblity and obligation as part of the reality of being with you.....but subliminally you're aware that he's living "moment to moment". This is NOT a case of he's actively out there seeking another relationship.......this is a case of aperson who's done the following in all aspectso f his life he's "left his options open".
He's very comfortable in a position that most women are not.......he's comfortable being on his own, respnosible for himself, he doesn't consider the relationship to be a source of identity or security - he considers it a luxury to enjoy a relatonship, but he'd have a full, great life if he didn't have one as well.
He's a guy not set in a career path or plan....he's "open to suggestions and available to pursue options.....he's a guy who doesn't Plan and prepare - he enjoys what is as it comes up. He MIGHT be seen as a procrastinator.........whiel he does the following:
In his life - he takes all tickets, coupons offers, options, and opportunities and puts them on the table....he makes no plans, when he has the inclination - he avails himself of whatever is available on the his 'life desk".......and enjoys it to the fullest. If an offer expires or an option drops - he's not upset about it because he iddn't invest in it as a potential for him - he simply had it there to consisder as an option for himself.
HE's done this all his life...I bet if you put a statement to it you'd go "he's a man nobody OWNS".......it's because he does what he wants and believes is right - because it is his right - at all times. And he's one that has placed a VALUE on options and opportunities and freedom.
Some pople place VALUE in honesty (most do but don't adhere).........and that menas that individually what we value and how we define it is totally up to his.
In his life, he's gone places and done things you only read about in novels. He's been in some situations and positions that you can't envision "how'd you get there?"
That's becuase whatever looks fun, exciting, and enjoyable and is available -he's done it. He has no resentment or anger about living up to obligations and responsiblities in the situations or relationships. and hwen it has ceased to be enjoyable - he'd ended it.
That is DIRECTLY OPPOOSITIONAL...to someone sitting in a job they hate, shortchanging the employer on productively, taking the full paycheck, and looking around for better offers.
This is EXACTLY LIKE......being in a job, giving the employer the full measure of productivity, taking the paycheck without guilt as a result of earning it fully, but alway being aware that he needs to keep abreast of other options and opportunities out there becuase he doesn't want to shortchange himself on life in general.
That position is one of EXTREME anxiety for most women......they're sent sublimminal, familial and societal messages that they're not cmoplete or secure as an individual without a mate, and without being a mother (two roles that require inclusion, coooperation, and assistance)........and that leads them to believe that "marriage" has security and safety it does not, and is a means to an end. It's not that they're unwilling to work for what is jointly earned and accrued....it's that they believe it'll be less of thiero ption t have at all - if they are "single".
men do not ever receive that message. From childhood men receive the message "you won't have what you don't earn for yourself, you won't become what you don't make of yourself" - and it makes them "complete" unto themselves. They're then with women they enjoy - based on where they are in life and what they want out of life....and they're called "users" when they don't want "a relationship".......or "marriage".
What I am NOT saying is "this is all your problem, get over it or stuff it down".....what I m saying is that you're going on here talking about "yoru feelings" you own them, you created them, you can change them, and they're a result of your needs, wants, expectations and association patterns.
Assess those patterns...those expectations, those needs........see if they're being met here and you're overlooking it because there is no "status"........or find out if they cannot be met here but CAN be met by you AS A SINGLE MOTHER/WOMAN....if you leave this relationship.
Because there is no guarantee that you will ever find someone to "love you as you want to be loved" - other than yourself....or that will want "marriage" fr the same reasons and by similar definition to you - other than yourself.
But drop the idea that he's adopting thi sposition because of "how you are"...he's had this perception the entirety of his life. That's why he had no problem being with "immature and insecure" women.....they were fun, exciting, sexy, and enjoyable at the time...and when it became problematic or chaos ridden - he disassociated. He got involved with one that involved him being "stalked".....heads up.
If he had police intervention and court orders, he was likely doing al he could do and was just with a true nut - likely for a short period of time and her unrealistic and irrational needs/wants/expectations had her latching onto him for what he represented (as she would have done with anybody at all).....and he needed assistance and intervention to get away.
But, if he's claiming he was "stalked" for 7 years.........while having no intervention or legal assistance...all he means is that for 7 years a woman who wanted what he didn't pursued involvement with him on her terms. He enjoyed the attention and the pursuit - it didn't really threaten him per his view, and he probably encouraged it (perhaps unintentionally)by occasional contact that led her to "wonder if there was a possibility". At the conclusion fo the 7 years, he met you - he told her how it was, and once he was with someone else....or she was with osmeone else - it ended. That just means he's immature and insecure - and instead of self-esteem he uses attention/approvla/acceptance/adoration/affirmation/appreciation/adoration from others as a substitute.
That also would explain why he wants to commit to nothing. Because with commitment there is obligation and some of what he does he might not believe is "his right" if he made a commitment, but it's integral to his ability to "like himself".....and it involves other people. not affairs........but other things that he believes he'd have to stop, or you'd put a stop to - if you were "married".
And he's got one thing dead right on........there is something about being "married" that is going to give you some rights or options as you see it........and in that you're unsure what they are due to lack of self-assessment.....you've significantly put him on alert that "marriage" will at least change you....and that'll change his enjoyment of this entirely and completely.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Gosh...that doesn't sound very promising, I'm sorry to say. I'm with you...I think I'd be more concerned and upset about his inability to communicate with you about love and marriage than anything else.
I know you have had some bad experiences with counseling, but there ARE good ones out there. I think your best bet is to find an excellent couples counselor and try to work through this.
Sheri
First, if you want marriage for all the reasons you listed, do NOT let ANYONE make them seem stupid or unnecessary. All the reasons you listed, is the reasons I would love to be married, and if I allowed other people to say those are bad reason, well, then why would ANYONE marry period (legally, not for religious reasons)?!!?
Second. Therapists.......can help other people. But they can't typically help themselves (and their own family). Meaning, things are "too close to home" to be able to see it objectively. That doesn't mean she isn't a great therapist, and even if your own therapist is seeing a shrink, it doesn't make them bad. It makes them human. It's like saying a doctor should never see a doctor, because he can diagnose himself. And yet, doctors are the WORST patients. Point is. Don't judge the whole, by one.
Lastly, it seems the FIRST step in your r'ship, should be saying ILY and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. If you both can't be 100% vulnerable to each other, then it's not a good r'ship. All the things you listed about how great you look "on the outside" is just that, topical things (that you need in a good r'ship, but it alone does not MAKE the r'ship good). If you both can't be vulnerable, marriage won't change that at all. You need to work on the CORE r'ship, w/o thinking marriage. You need to make the r'ship all it SHOULD be, and all it can be, and have it act 100% LIKE a good healthy marriage. THEN talk marriage.
If he's not willing, or you're not willing to put the hard work into it. And put your heart out on that limb, it will destroy the r'ship. Slowly, but it will. You both need to stop being afraid and start living.
BTW, I've been divorced twice. Had to uproot my life too many times to count. Yes, I feared making a wrong choice. But I also had to learn to be vulnerable to my bf 100%, all the time, to be able and ready to make that committment of marriage once again.
Just some food for thought.
Thank you so much for your responses, I spent a lot of time thinking about the suggestions and opinions.
In answer to everyone’s question of if we had talked about marriage and everything; yes, many times we have discussed these things. We talked about it again this weekend… BF said that he was thinking about this for the past week or so as well. (We’re blaming it on Valentines Day because other wise we would have to chalk it up to the freaky fate like coincidences that happen to us all the time…)
I explained about my trust issues, not truly believing that he loved me. He said that he would probably never be able to constantly tell me he loved me, that I would just have to look to his actions on such matters most of the time because that’s not the type of person he is. He spent at least 30 minutes explaining that the entire house remodel was about us staying together and thus an expression of his love. - I’ll admit that I was not as accepting as I could have been, maybe should have been. I’m just not sure if that’s enough for me...
I told him that I thought the inability to talk about such things was enough for us to break up over, communication being a major foundation. He was upset about that insisting that we can talk about that stuff; it’s just uncomfortable and usually ends in argument because we are too prideful, so he'd rather not bring it up. - He’s right we do end up arguing about it, but I’m not sure that “sweeping it under the rug” and never dicussing anything is the right course of action either…
He said he had issues too, that he felt I was not motivated to go back to college and was upset that I have not done so even though my youngest is now in 1st grade. He told me that I needed to start by fall or he was going to have trouble trusting in me. This annoyed me because HE was the one who asked me not to start college or get a job when my youngest started school due to the custody battle; he wanted me focused on our case, available to him and his son. We argued about that for a while…
I tried to explain that I didn’t want to try to start a new career when I was unsure of our relationship’s future. He said that I was basing my future on us breaking up and if that’s the way I felt then we should just split now and save ourselves the trouble. Later he said that I was just making excuses. – I don’t like to be a negative person, but I have to face the reality that we have some pretty serious problems in our relationship. I do feel like I have to plan for a future that could have two children and me on our own. It’s like buying life insurance, it’s not that you “want” it to happen; it’s that it “could” happen…
Am I wrong on that? Can this really be construed as my having “made up my mind that we’re over already” as he complained. I’ll admit that I have a lack of trust in our relationship's future, but I don’t think I���m being unfaithful as he suggested… I wish I could just go back to when the thought of us breaking up never crossed my mind, but I just can’t so now what?
Seems to me you've got issues intertwined that really have no connection.
Basically, your career path is your responsibility to choose, and your destiny to live. Tomorrow he could be killed in a freak accident and this lifestyle that you've created for you and your children would have to be maintained - or downsized to something you could maintain. So relying on a partner's income or motivation or status to "get you thru" - that's going to produce a ton of insecurity and doubt, having you want constant reassurance that the dreams and wants and plans that you have made and need to come to fruitition - are going to come true thanks to thier efforts, cooperation, assistance.
He's saying waht you want in life and what you want out of life, and what you believe about yourself and life cannot revolve around me. How accurate. IT can't....it should have been determined long before he came ito the picture.
And here's the thing....the past can't be fixed, changed, or undone - but it can be learned from.
When you two sit there arguing about "why or what I did in the past"......yoou're simply attempting to bring someone up to speed on what I gave up, tolerated, expended,endured "in our best interests".
There is no "our" best interests......a relationship isn't a goal, a retirement plan, a vehicle to status, security, or success or identity in life.
It's two individuals running a marathon called life for personal reasons, at the pace that allows them to remain secure, complete, and accomplish success as they've defined it. You happen to be running along parallels paths, at a similar pace - so you have company along the way. Taht's all a relationship is.
You two would do well to get some counseling to teach you both how to communicate. Both of you seem to argue about the past and how or why it occurred - thinking that the other will make it right, make it up to you - that will not happen.
Here's what I think your percepton is - and you're attributing it to him in part.
You're going "I've put off, allowed, tolerated, endured, sacrificed, expended, and eliminated some options, opportunities and security in my life in order to be with you - becuase I wanted to please you, I wanted to facilitate and convenience you that was my priority then. But now my priority is you returning the favor, or showing me what I was showing you (so I thought) with my previous actions, sacrifices, etc."
That has you perceiving that throughout the relationship he's done what he wants, when, why, wtih who, and where he wants - without consideration or inclusion of you and your kids at all - unless it was immediately gratifying.
That's not true.......but you'd have to listen rather than talk to find it out...and not about the past in terms of accusation...but in terms of communicating facts and truths as he interprets them.
But your impression is that he's running at a pace, for his own needs, goals and purposes - and now you're not able to "keep up" - you want him to slow down come back there with you - because you "sprinted" out to keep up all this time.
That's your perception...it's become your reality, it's determining how you deal with the situation. It's going to take honest communications about yourselves to one another (not accusation or assumption about the other communicated AT them) to restructure both of your perceptions of this situation.
He's making it abundantly clear there will not be marriage. If up until this point you've facilitated, placated, pleased, convenienced, eased, and benefitted his lifestyle, his goals, his needs thinking "at some point he'll reciprocate" - that is where the entire problem lies.
That means he got with an oscar winning actress who's led him to believe that all as it is - is how she likes it - as well as him. And now you're unable to suppress what you've managed to hide from yourself for awhile, and from him for even longer...........now you're wanting change, you're wanting "equality" you're wanting cooperation and consideration so that he does what you want - as you've done what he wants.
And if that is the case, THAT is a valid and accurate complaint on his part. Or yours, if the situation is reversed. If one of you believes all is well because the other refuses to communicate, to continue to live self-responsibly........they got with someone that was putting on an act, and now that you want to drop it thinking you "can't leave now, we've bonded and intertwined" they're going "no, you've taken the mask off, and now I have to see if this is what I want - the process begins again."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that's total BS...yet another lame excuse for him to not discuss things.
If he's so worried about your commitment to working things out, and about discussions degenerating into arguments, I'd call his bluff: get recommendations for a great couples counselor and make an appointment.
Sheri
>>There is no "our" best interests......a relationship isn't a goal, a retirement plan, a vehicle to status, security, or success or identity in life.
It's two individuals running a marathon called life for personal reasons, at the pace that allows them to remain secure, complete, and accomplish success as they've defined it. You happen to be running along parallels paths, at a similar pace - so you have company along the way. Taht's all a relationship is<<
Erin, I'm not saying that you're wrong because we all do relationships in different ways and I respect your opinion. But I thought that I might mention that my DH and I DO frequently work together for "our" best interests. When I say "our", I mean him, me and the two kids.
I remember when I was pregnant with DS. I had every plan of returning to work. However, when it became obvious that he was developmentally delayed, my work plans got put on hold indefinately. This was a joint decision made by both of us...it allowed me to concentrate on his needs while still holding the domestics together. If I had been the one who earned higher wages, then DH probably would have put his career on hold instead of me. I could have returned to work, but it would have caused enormous stress on the household....not to mention that DS would not have coped in daycare.
DH is almost 9 now and I'm finally returning to the workforce. And I've completely swapped career direction and found work in the field of special needs kids. (May as well use all these skills I've picked up along the way LOL).
This time round, I'm doing as you've mentioned and am returing to the work force because it's what *I* want. DH would be very happy for me to continue being a SAHM, but my SAHM day had gotten to the point where Dr Phil and iVillage was the highlight of my day. And you know that when this happens, things have got to change LOL
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes DH and I work together towards our best interests and other times I work towards my best interests and he works towards his. It all depends on what works best at the time. But in our family, there are times when compromise is very much required.
This is how I'd think of it....when you create children or debt you do create "joint" obligation adn requirement. Everybody's going to delegate differently - and most people don't create children/debts thinking "I'm in this alone" - but it happens quite often anyway - not just divorce, death, etc.
So what you're describing is "our individuality brought us together, we created a joint obligation/requirement and then we proceeded to navigate,negotiate, compromise on "how to handle the joint responsiblity".
I believe all great partnerships would work that way. A joint obligation - demands joint input, attention, compromise, and effort.
But life is about transition. So when children are grown and gone, when they've found homes elsewhere, or lifestyles elsewhere - what's going to be left. Not the joint obligation and responsiblity...but the individuals involved who created it.
If your individuality has been compromised or eliminated in a joint venture - when transition hits - you're "left behind"...there is no you to continue you down the path.
The marathon example really does work. If your birth is the beginning of your marathon journey, your life is the marathon - the finish line is death.
You won't enjoy the journey of life without individual participation to meet individual needs.
Adn to other people - they're spectators and they don't want participation in the event, they just want inclusion. so what rarely works is a runner and spectator forming a relationship that is in harmony.
So you and your husband ran along the marathon portion of your childhood, adolescence and young adulthood finding out how to apply your traits as assets, how to meet your own needs, what it means to live up to your own standards, and achieve your own goals. You each idividually got to the point in life where you met and said to youselves "let's pick up the pace"....not for this other person or because of them....but you were now ready to go faster, you had your "marathon legs" underneath you.
You found you stayed togetehr by default of shared abilities, traits, desires, talents, goals....and in this marathon of life you "created an obligation"......a child that now requires each of you because of your personal standards to give, sacrifice, tolerate, and enable for the "benefit of the child". Good parents aren't out to have "happy kids". They're out to provide children with the foundation, knowledge, and experiences that allow them to define and expand themselves as individuals - so that they're self-sufficient, accepting, aware, and accountable in adulthood.
So now as parents.......you're both by personal choice based on individual standards running at "this child's pace" - but that's still each of you doing waht you want to do, and believe is your right na dobligation to do - in order to continue to respect yourself.
At the point this child leaves home.....there will be no reason to run at a slower pace - to facilitate an obligation that no longer exists. While your relationship won't end, this obligation within it does.........you'll be more bonded and more respecting and aware of each other's individuality - ecause ofhtis shared experience...by a mutual set of standards and requirements. So you'll be less inclined to leave the partner behind - if you're not yet prepared again to "pick up the pace".
But the way alot of people treat a relationship........they believe the relationship is a goal....and they're out there runnning to find someone who wants a relationshp - and the second they get that - they believe "okay, let's go to the other side of the tape, spectate awhile and then go off and do our own thing". Sometimes that happens by way of creating "joint" obligation....most often not.
But in those situations what you have is osmeone who was never running the marathon for needs within them it would meet....other htan to find someone to "Not run the marathon with"...and they've often found themselves iwth someone very committed to the marathon, loving the challenge...and who has no desire to sideline thier goals and success as they define it "just to be with you".
In all partnership - negotiation an compromise is required. The purpose of it is to further two individuals efforts, abilities, and expand thee horizons and definitions of each one.......while in alliance. That would make it in the best interest of your relationship - to remain true to yourself. Not selfish, self-centered, abrasive, or controlling - but true to yourself in termsof character.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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