Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Confused
6
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:13pm
Me and my bf have been together for 8 months. Since early in the relationship ( actually right after the first time we had sex about 1 month into..)he has been saying he loves me. We have both had some rocky pasts..(he knows more about mine then I do of his). Last night we had a discussion about general things. We argue quite often because none of the prior fights get resolved, he likes to push everything under the rug, so to say, and act like everything is peachy. He told me sincerely that he loves me but isn't in love with me yet. It confused me because it wasn't like we were breaking up and here we are 8 months and NOW he tells me this after all the I love U's that have been exchanged. I got upset and he knew and tried to tell me that I didn't understand what he meant to say. He says I've placed a wall over me to shield me from getting hurt and that he has the same problem. But over the course of our relationship I am the one who has gotten hurt, he isn't very affectionate, we have sexual problems, and I never seem to be a priority of his. When regardless of anything I have always placed him before anyone, including myself. HE doesn't want to break up, but I don't know how to know if he truely cares or just wants a replacement for the past he can not have. I have a problem with depression and anxiety and often loss sleep, cry, and interrupt my life for this immature petty nonsense. I want to find the strength to leave him if it is all not worth it. Can I say I love him?? NO.. On top of my past I feel hurt and neglected by him when he knows the everyday problems and loneliness that I find soo unbarable. Friends don't understand. So basically I am stuck alone. I feel like in order to keep this relationship going I have to sacrafice my own self happiness and give in to his. HE is a really sweet guy and I want to trust him but I feel like everything is based around his conveinence and his time schedule. He sees me when he wants and for as long as he wants. I never feel loved/ missed. Now I use what he says about not being in love with me as an excuse for what he does and doesn't do. What is an unhappy girl to do????:(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: sweethrt143
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 6:10pm

This part jumped out at me the most,

"Can I say I love him?? NO.. On top of my past I feel hurt and neglected by him when he knows the everyday problems and loneliness that I find soo unbarable. Friends don't understand. So basically I am stuck alone. I feel like in order to keep this relationship going I have to sacrafice my own self happiness and give in to his. HE is a really sweet guy and I want to trust him but I feel like everything is based around his conveinence and his time schedule. He sees me when he wants and for as long as he wants. I never feel loved/ missed. Now I use what he says about not being in love with me as an excuse for what he does and doesn't do. What is an unhappy girl to do????:("

Why? Because, you can't say you love him, he is NOT a "really sweet" guy if he has been saying ILY but isn't IN LOVE, and only sees you on his time, that you're not a priority, etc. That is NOT what a "really sweet" guy does. That's what a "jerk" does.

I think you know what you need to do. For your sanity. You should leave him. However, I also think you should ask yourself if you're reading too much into you "living on his schedule" or if it's real.

I say that cuz some women expect the world, and a man can't give it and they feel neglected, and not important.

i.e. my bf, in the beginning, would come see me, around 7ish, then leave around 11ish. But when I was at his house, I'd stay till like 2am. I finally told him it hurt that he'd leave at 11, when I'd stay till 2. So, I started leaving his house early. To make a point, that I could CHOOSE when I would leave, instead of having him tell me to go, or having him tell me he woudl leave. And I realized, all this was about, was the fact that I would sacrifice anything, including sleep, to be with him. Whereas, he had absolutely NO issue telling me he wanted to go home (not even with an excuse, he'd just say, "I have to go home now". ) Point is. I felt like he wasn't making any sacrifices, and therefore, I was feeling jipped, peeved, and hurt.

When I started CHOOSING to see him when I felt it was a good time (w/o giving up anything) and leaving WAY prior to me wanting to, he started missing me more, because I would leave, WITHOUT him wanting me to leave. Whereas before, I"m sure he wanted me to leave, but didn't have the heart to tell me. Our early dates, were literally me at his house, or him at mine, and I'd be watching tv while he snored and slept. Seriously. MONTHS of that.

I got tired of living around his schedule and started making my own. He was NOT happy. He wasn't mad, but he wasn't happy that I was ditching him at like 8pm to "go home" or "go out". He didn't like it that I would tell him, "can I see you later in the evening" or basically, putting him on MY schedule.

Hugs. I know this is hard, but honestly, that guy seems like he's selfish and does things only as he pleases. Sounds just like my bf (when he himsefl was an ass).

ETA: BTW, it took almost a year for bf to REALIZE how selfish he was acting. Even after my crying, hurting, talking, etc. And another 6 months to ACT like I was a priority.

I'll be flat out honest. It was NOT worth the heartache, turmoil, rollercoaster ride that he put me thru. If I ever date again, and a guy treats me like that, I will be gone so fast, he'll see my dust. Seriously, if you tell him, and he doesn't change it almost immediately, he never will. Just run. He's too much into himself to care what you think.




Edited 5/26/2005 6:13 pm ET ET by pineapple_girl

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
In reply to: sweethrt143
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 6:13pm

what's the point in being in a relationship if you aren't happy, girlfriend? why would that even be something you are willing to compromise on. move on....find happiness within yourself before you seek it from someone else. that is the only way that you will ever be truely content. i had to learn that myself...but i gave up five years of my life. completely sacraficed my happiness for his. eight months will not take you that long to get over, trust me.

you only get one life to live...make it a happy one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: sweethrt143
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:11am

Both the other posters are totally right and essentially giving you the same advice. Take care of yourself FIRST, find happiness within yourself.

It sounds to me like you are trying to find the love and acceptance you don't feel for yourself by being loved and accepted by someone else, which is a very normal thing to do. Unfortunately, it also isn't very effective.

You said yourself, you struggle with depression and anxiety and the reality is this realtionship is only exacerbating that. And that's becasue as you said, "I never feel loved". If you learn to love yourself you will ALWAYS feel loved, sure you'll still want to share your life with someone and have them love you becasue that feels wonderful. But to fully experience that you have to be able to love fully and give fully yourself and to do that you have to resolve the inner turmoil you are now experiencing.

Unfortunately, being involved in a romantic realtionship is not condusive to the sort of inner exploration you need to go through to grow, primarily because it is an additonal source of stress and anxiety and draws focus from where it should be, which is on you.

I know how tough this is. I've been through it several times. I'd think I had it together, think I had finally gotten everything straight within myself that I was ready to love and give the best of me, only to become involved with someone and and the insecurities, the doubts, and fears resurfaced. I'd stay in the relationship and things would go pretty well for a while, but eventually I had to go back to focusing on me because the anxiety of the relationship got to be too much.

So then I'd be on my own again for a while and work on me again and then I'd try dating again. Each time discovering things about myself I hadn't noticed before, each time learning and growing. I don't regret any of it, everytime I got better, every mistake made me stronger and smarter and gave me new knowledge of myself.

At 33 I finally found the right guy at the right time and within a few short months I was able to work through those last nagging issues and finally really love someone else and let him love me and really trust myself and him. This isn't the first time that I've experienced being in love, it's just the best time.

Take care of yourself and things will be fine. Put yourself first. Take care of your needs. Doing these things doesn't make you selfish it makes you smart and allows you to share more with others then if you put others before yourself.

I can tell from your post that intuitively you understand it isn't good to put others before yourself ("I have always placed him before anyone, including myself"). All you have to do now is follow through on that and make YOURSELF a priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
In reply to: sweethrt143
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:32am
Hey guys, Thanks alot for the advice. We had ANOTHER arguement last night. it all starts with him not taking the roll of a bf. I left my best friend to go hang out with him. I kissed him hello ( as if nothing was wrong) and he didn't respond anyway. I thought maybe we could make it a good night but at 10:00 he was "tired" so I was taking him home thinking he would protest and ask me to stay( which he never does). But nope..He went home more than willing after a few mins of arguing went in his house and didn't look back. No kissing, hugging or even SEX ( which we have infrequent)..HE never just wants to be with me. I was up till 4 upset and today he tells me I am selfish cause I don't take his feelings into consideration...What feelings???? I cry day in and day out and he doesn't give a ..... So why when occassionally he is upset should I care and forget my feelings.
I know breaking up is rough and I dread to long weekend alone.:( But I can't do this. It is killing me. I don't know if I am right or wrong. I have soo much to give to a guy but all I ask is for what I want And I want to feel important and loved. Sometimes I need an extra kiss or an extra hug or for him to sacrifice for me and lose sleep..Do SOMETHING to show me I am not just a door mat. But all I do is argue and it is not fair.. I want to love him but this guy just won't step up. I told him I agreed to a date tonight just so he will leave me alone. Give him time to think about what he is losing ( doubtful it will help). I don't want him bothering me and constantly turning things around on me. I will use this time to hopefully work out my own inner issues but not without this crazy mess in the back of my mind. Thanks guyz...*muah*
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: sweethrt143
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:45am

Take care of YOU. You deserve better. Dump him.

Also, on a side not, why'd you leave your best friend to go see him? And why are you driving him home? That is what I'm takling about, YOU'RE doing ALL the work here. And he's more than happy to have you do it.

Dump him. Leave him. Trust me, you may be lonely, but at least you'll be sad about your lonliness, NOT because he can't love you like how you want.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: sweethrt143
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:50am

I hate to say this but there is one thing in your thing that IMHO is wrong and it's this: "... or for him to sacrifice for me and lose sleep".

Love isn't like that. Not real mature lasting love between two people who are ready to truly give freely of themselves.

When you truly love someone you ALWAYS want what is best for them even if it may not be best for you. That's wjere that saying, "If you love someone, set them free..." comes from. NO ONE should EVER have to make sacrafices for love. And losing sleep for love is not a sign of deep love it's a sign of emotional instability. It shows a lack of faith in themselves, a lack of faith in their own ability to cope with life, if life shouldn't turn out as they want or expect it to.

I'm not saying this is the guy for you, it sounds to me like he isn't, but you need to start adjusting your ideas about love fromt he unrealistic exagearted expression served up in movies and in love songs. It simply isn't realistic and it DEFINITELY isn't healthy.

Being willing to die for love, compromise yourself for love, do anything for love... that isn't romantic. It's VERY unhealthy and pursuing that brand of artificial love is a good way to wind up VERY unhappy.

I love my fiance dearly, but I wouldn't die for him and he wouldn't want me to. Would I risk life and limb to save him, absolutley, but I wouldn't go on a suicide misison and he would be the first one to tell me not to. Because that's how it is when you really love someone you want them to be happy and healthy even if they would willing jump into a fire for you, you'd beg them not.

The other thing you mentioned that concerns me is this:"I cry day in and day out and he doesn't give a ..... So why when occassionally he is upset should I care and forget my feelings."

Crying day in and day out is not an indication of the depth of love. It's an indication of the degree to which when emotionalizes events. Just becasue a perosn doesn't cry doesn't mean they don't feel and just because someone is very demonstarttive about their feelings doesn't mean they feel more strongly then someone who is less demostrative of theirs.

As to the last part of your statement all I can say is if you REALLY loved him you would never make a statement like that. You should ALWAYS care when someone you love is hurt. Not to the point where you put yourslef aside for ythem or ignore your own feelings,but you shouldn't be dsimissive of their feelings.

Don't get me wrong this guy doesn't sound like a wonderful caring person who is ready to love someone whole-heartedly; but, honestly, IMO, neither do you. He's absolutely right it IS selfish of you to not consider his feelings. You expect that consideration form him and yet you are on willing to give it in return. Your holding him to standard you aren't living up to yourself.

I think your smart to decide to end it. It's pretty clear neither of you is ready to have a mature healthy relationship, which is probably pretty normal as it sounds like you're probably pretty young.

Take that time work on you, feeling good about yourself and standing on your own two feet. It'll do you a world of good. When you're ready Mr. Right will find you, until then relax and enjoy being single at one of the best times ever to be a single woman.