confused and hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
confused and hurt
4
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 5:11am

My boyfriend and i broke up about 2 months ago and even though nothing has changed he still tells me he can't be with me right now because of the distance..he lives in salt lake city right now for school and i'm in canada, quite the distance, i know.

The problem is this..
When we broke up it was because of the distance, nothing else..we got along great..we spent alot of time together, hours on the phone and on chat..but the distance was just too much to handle for 8 months, now it's 6.
We recently talked, 2 days ago, i had wrote him an email just to clear my thoughts and he never wrote back, i was alittle disappointed but later when we talked he told me he didn't know what to say. He said he had read it 3 times and then he thought about how 'adorable' we used to be and how much he still loves me and wished he lived near me so none of this would be happening. He has a page on myspace, some site..and i went there today just to see whats new and he was flirting with some girl..for some reason i felt so jealous and hurt, mad...disappointed and i was like "what's wrong with me?" I don't understand why he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and wished he were here more then anything but yet he goes and does god knows what with god knows who. I don't trust him but yet i can't let go because he still gives hope for us after he's done school. I told him to tell me to walk away so i can move on with my life and he said he couldn't do that because he still loves me..i thought "how selfish" he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me?
I wrote him another email yesterday and i told him to write back, just to write from the heart even if he felt like he had nothing to say, he would because he always did. He never wrote back.

So this is the question, the part that confuses me..

Why does he say he loves me and wants to be but yet i'm not a priority anymore, just an option? Why doesn't he talk to me hardly anymore, reassure me, tell me he loves me everyday..Is he he just playing games? or whats the deal with him now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 8:43am
You were dead on when you called yourself his option. Why does he tell you he loves you, but doesn't back it up by being in a committed relationship with you? He wants to keep you hanging around, but he doesn't want to be with you. I few years ago my boyfiend and I broke up becuase of an anticipated 6 month separation. Turns out "distance" was another woman. Distance often becomes a convenient excuse for men. Most men are cowards when it comes to breaking up with a woman and instead of saying, "I don't want to be with you anymore," or "I want to date other women," they come up with seemingly practical excuses. Yes, there is a bit of distance betweent the two of you, but if he truly loved you he would suck it up for a few months. It's not as if it's indefinite. If he wanted to be with you, you would be together. Stop believing letting him string you along in until he decides whether or not he wants you. Take back the control and decide to move on with your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 3:34pm

Here are the clues: "My boyfriend and I broke up" (self explanatory) and "and then he thought about how 'adorable' we used to be" (he's speaking about your relationship in the past tense.)

Hon, when a guy breaks up with you, he's telling you to move on. Because the two of you have broken up, he is free to do whatever with whoever. But you are also free to date others. If he didn't want other people to have you, then he wouldn't have broken up with you.

To be honest, I think that you're reading too much into what he says about love. (Words are cheap.) Look at his actions and move on.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 2:31pm
I agree with the previous 2 posters. If he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't have even suggested moving on, he would still be contacting you and he would respond to your emails especially when you suggest that he say "something". He would make an effort, some sort of an effort to make sure that he doesn't lose you. He would definately not say that maybe you guys should call it quits. I'm in a LDR with a man who's in the Navy and he's been gone for a month and a half now, he'll be gone for 6 months total. We only dated 2 months beforehand and we both discussed to keep it casual and open but his and my actions have shown that we really think we have something going here more than casual and we both want to make it work even if we haven't said we loved each other since it's too early on or we haven't discussed the "status" of the r'ship. He does his best to write me back, call me when he can even if sometimes it's not as much as I would like because stuff comes up when he's working and on the ship basically 7 days a week 12-18 hours a day. It hasn't been easy by any means and I have my moments where I think he doesn't care and I get really insecure just becuase I didn't get an email one day or a phone call the "exact day" he said he would call but he always comes around and is pretty consistent in contacting me overall and always answers my serious emails. He never has suggested that we call it quits in any way and never suggested that If it's so hard on me that I should date around or call it quits. This tells me that he does value what we have, he may not always be available when I need and want which is understandable with military life and sometimes he's kind of "clueless" to certain things like giving kind words of support and encouragement when I need it because sometimes things like that don't come natural to some men, but he is doing his best to be consistent in contacting me and not giving up on this. Sorry to ramble on about my stuff but your post kind of hit a chord for me since I have something long distance now. I guess my point is that if he really wanted to give this a go, he would put more effort into this and he would be more consistent in contacting you, especially when you request that he answer your email and tell you what's going on in his mind, that you are not asking for a long novel of thoughts but just something. He should be able to give you that. Actions speak louder than words, if he says he loves you and values what you guys have he needs to back it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 9:52pm
If he really loved you distance wouldn't matter. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2yrs now. Distance can't come between true love and don't let your ex make you believe that. You need someone that would wait for you till the end of time if he had to. I don't want to sound harsh, but your ex didn't find you worth it so I wouldn't find him worth being hurt over. The sooner you realise what a jerk he is, the sooner you can move on and be happy again. It might seem like right now he was the best thing you had, but trust me, theres much better, someone that would actually do the long distance relationship thing for you. It will hurt at first, but just be positive, lifes meant for living, not waiting around for your ex to make his decision, cause he's already made it, obviously...
You should try not to contact him anymore, it just seems like he plays games and gives you false hope to hold on to and everytime he does something wrong, your hurt all over again. Its like a never ending roller coaster of ups and downs, your much better off without him, and finding someone else, maybe not even looking for someone else at the moment if your not ready. Go out with a bunch of girlfriends and get your mind off him!