confused and need some outside advice
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| Sat, 08-06-2005 - 2:07pm |
Hi to all
I am pretty new here. I posted once but with no response so any advice you could offer I would greatly appreciate.I was in a relationship with a great guy. We knew each other for about 2 years before we ever went out just the two of us. Once we started seeing each other things progressed pretty quickly. He talked alot about us having a future, "the happily ever after" in his words. I was a little guarded at first, but the more time we spent together the more I fell for him. Things were seemingly great until the six month mark when out of no where he started to pull back. We talked about what was going on and he said that he was scared. He was really hurt by his ex, they were to be married but she decided it wasn't for her and really broke his heart. I understood and I said that we could take a step back and slow things down. Well for a while things were still ok. We didn't see each other as often, but did still talk at least once a day, if for nothing else just to say hi. Well things got a little crazy for him at work, he had 2 jobs, and we were talking less and seeing each other only about once every couple of weeks. The time we spent together didn't seem to be a priority, but he was still seeing his friends, both male and female, quite regularly. We again talked and he said that he was not trying to avoid me or anything like that he was just busy, he still loved me very much he just had alot going on. Well then I made the comment that he still had time for his friends. Well his response was that when he was with them he didn't have to think about the relationship stuff. He could just relax and be himself. At this point I was quite confused. I feel that when in a relationship with someone you should want to spend time with the other. I don't want to spend all of our time together, but I think if you really care about someone you should see them more than a couple of time a month. Anyway we went back and forth about priorities. And the end result from him was that maybe we needed to take a little time apart so that I could decide what I wanted. I know what I want. I want to be with him. Well it has been about two weeks since that conversation. He still calls almost everyday. He won't leave a message but he knows that I have caller ID. We have talked a few times and he has told me about stuff that he is doing to get his life in order. Detailed cleaning of his house, not going out as much, just basically stuff that needs to be done but that he has pushed to the side. I don't know what to think. I would really like to try and work things out but have no idea what he is thinking. Why he is still trying to somewhat include me in life? Is he just keeping me on the back burner until he finds someone new or does he want to try again? The worst part about all of this is that while I want to be in a relationship with him I miss the his friendship the most. And even though we still talk it seems to be just chit chat. I want to call him up and talk like we used to but now there is so much between us it feels awkward. Thanks to all who took the time to read this. If anyone has any advice, suggestions, or has ever been in a similar situation I would love to hear from you.
Thnx
A

Well, in my experience the "I've been hurt and I'm scared" line is an excuse. Everyone's been hurt, and relationships are a risk...there's no getting around that. Emotionally healthy adults recognize that and are willing to take the risk. If he's really that messed up about it, then he needs to go to counseling to get past his fears. But he's not doing that.
The bottom line is, he doesn't want to put the effort into being in a romantic relationship with you right now, and there's no telling whether he will ever want to. If you are truly ok with that, and with being strictly platonic friends with him, then you need to TELL him that (and stick to it...no conversations about the two of you). But don't just say it and not mean it...it's very painful to hang out as platonic friends with someone when you want more. If you're not ready, then you need to take a step back and have no contact with him for a period of time (maybe a couple months, more or less) and get over your romantic feelings for him. Once you have done so, you can re-connect with him as friends.
Sheri
You know you worth and you need to let him know. Let him know that you are there for him if he needs anything but you have been together only 6 months - He is at the point in the relationship that most people evaluate should it go further or not.
He was hurt in past relationship so he probably doesn't want you to go through the pain he went through.
He makes time for friends and others - but not you. That is not acceptable - you are not in any type of relationship with him right now. He is not treating you like a friend, lover or someone he truly cares about.
If a guy is in love he will do anything to be with this person.
You need to salvage your own self and not forget that you are a unique special person. there is only one of you in this world. Don't settle for less than how you should be treated.
I know it hurts when someone doesn't return the love you put out. But if he doesn't realize it after you have left - he isn't going to realize it while you are there.
And it sounds like he manipulated it so it was you who ended up saying lets take a break - thus not making him the bad guy.
If you were one of my goods friends - I would advise you to say hey buddy - I know my worth - there is only one of me and I am not going to spend any more of my emotions on someone who doesn't know what they want out of life.I have just this one You have two choices either you can spend it with me for no guaranteed length of time or we can say goodbye for now and see if down the line our paths cross and we can develop a friendship again.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad or get you down. And don't let him make you question yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. You put yourself out there and you should be poud of that.
But - take back the control of your life - don't leave it in someones hand - especially when they are not taking good care of it.
Who knows maybe he will see the light and realize you are everything he has ever wanted.
if not..... There is someone who will think everything about you is just what he knew he always wanted in a person and will want to spend everyday letting you know.
Never lose faith in that. For now focus on yourself and making yourself happy.
HE put you two on a break so YOU could think about things? Give me a break! Hugs to you, but he wants out, w/o saying it.
Personally, at that point, I would've said, "I KNOW what I want, so what's the problem?" and if you did, and he still put you on a break, there's your answer. He isn't interested anymore.
Scared or not, it's his decision to allow it to run his life, however, it also gives you hope and leaves you hanging. If a man loves you, he wont' leave you hanging and HOPING for the best.
I honestly think he would rather be your friend, talk to you, tell you things, but doesn't want the pressure of a r'ship. I know that's hard to hear, but in my life, men who truly want you, wouldn't go on a break, so YOU can decide, when in fact, it's HIM that needs to choose. He doesn't have the cojones to do the deed, so he's just letting you go slowly, quietly, and well, basically, he's forcing YOU to break up with HIM.
Hmm............you could ask him that. Ask him, WHY are you treating me like crap, do you WANT me to end things with you? It seems like this is your way of telling me you want to end it. By simply making sure you can say later, "see, she wasn't ready, she broke my heart cuz she ended it". Huh. I wonder if he's the VICTIM type. Maybe he did this EXACT same thign to his xgf/xf. Pushed her away until she said, SCREW THIS! And ended things. Remember, there ARE men like that. My xh was one of them, and that's how he ended our marriage. He pushed me away until we lead separate lives and I was unhappy.
Hugs. good luck.
~pineapple_girl