confused by a guy....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
confused by a guy....
8
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 2:59pm
I have been dating this guy for like 3 months now he keeps calling and hanging out and we have a great time, but he keeps saying he doesnt want a girlfriend and wants to spoil himself for a change and be stable before he dates anyone, but he does all these boyfriend like things like surprise me with stuff and go places with my family and friends and I just dont get him, whats the deal, should I just be patient and stick with it or am I wasting my time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 3:27pm

See, he doesn't see going places with your family, having sex with you, or paying for dinner, etc. as "boyfriend things". HE sees them as things a guy does with a girl that he's hanging out and hooking up with.

That's why he keeps telling you there's no commitment (hopefully you two have discussed physical exclusivity), and no relationship, and no status involved.

He's letting you know that in the moments you two send together doing whaever it is you're doing - that is really "all there is" as a guarantee. Tomorrow, he might meet another girl willing to hang out and hook up - and if he did he'd have no obligation to you and he wouldn't owe you anything - not loyalty or even a phone call.

You're taking his actions and going "if I did that it would mean I thought this was a relationship"...and his words and his actions in reality are in alignment...both are telling you that for him this is all about the fun, sex, companionship of the moment, and there is no obligation in it.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 3:42pm
Listen to what he says not what he does.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 7:55pm
I'm confused by you. How are you dating a guy who keeps saying he doesn't want a GF? I don't get it. If you're dating him, doesn't that make you his GF? If not, if you aren't his GF but you are dating (still not sure at all how that works, but going hypothetical here), what's in it for him? Why is he giving and acting the part he doesn't want? That's for you to answer. What are you giving him, what is he getting out of this whole arrangement?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 11:35am
I don't really understand what you are confused about, have you never just casually dated a guy without specifying that your are exclusively seeing eachother? That is what I am doing, I just met him 3 months ago so I wasnt about to start being bf/gf immediately, and even now, it is still pretty early, but I just want to know from him if the possibility of us being together just the two of us, is ever going to happen or am I just wasting my time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 12:29pm

Nope, I was never a casual dater. But I get what you're saying now, it was the wording that had me mixed up, because you said you were dating and that he said he told you he didn't want to date anyone. I missed the tone of you meaning casual dating and him meaning serious dating.

I don't know what the other posters were saying, but my advice then is that if a serious exclusive BF/GF relationship is what you're wanting, you shouldn't be looking for it with this guy because he's specifically said he doesn't want that. If you're okay with casual dating and it never going any further with this guy (because it would be a waste of your time to go into it hoping or expecting him to change his mind) then go for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 12:42pm

<< If you're dating him, doesn't that make you his GF? If not, if you aren't his GF but you are dating (still not sure at all how that works, but going hypothetical here), what's in it for him?>>

angelica -- I'm going to surmise one of two things, a) you're either still pretty young (late teens/early 20s) and haven't dated much ... or b) you married young and didn't date much prior to marriage.

Dating a guy for a few months by NO MEANS makes a woman a man's GF. It is quite possible, actually pretty COMMON to date without exclusivity. If there's one common assumption that is well, assumed by many women here it's that dating will lead to a relationship. Not always so. Dating will lead to a relationship if BOTH people desire a relationship.

As for "what's in it for him" ... to just "date" her ... several things: enjoying her company, companionship, sex, having a "date" for special events, parties, etc ... perhaps even holidays (if both people agree to introducing family into the mix without being exclusive). None of those things require a relationship or exclusivity. What's it in for him is what meets his wants. He may not want to "formalize" the arrangement because a) keeping it on a 'just dating' level allows him to keep his options open and b) he isn't obligated to prioritize her in his life.

If it isn't meeting the ladies' wants, however, that's when the woman has to a) let the guy know what she wants from the interaction and see if he's willing to offer more ... or b) walk away and move onto someone who wants what she wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 12:52pm

<< he keeps saying he doesnt want a girlfriend and wants to spoil himself for a change and be stable before he dates anyone, but he does all these boyfriend like things like surprise me with stuff and go places with my family and friends and I just dont get him, whats the deal >>

Rena -- I think it's up to every woman to know her boundaries or her own personal limits in terms of what she's willing to offer and accept from a guy she's "just dating." For example, personally, if I'm "just dating" a guy ... my family isn't yet an option that's open to him. Family is very personal to me, and introducing a guy to them means that, we're in a relationship and he's someone who's IN my life.

I think his deal is that, he enjoys your company, companionship, has no problem doing nice things for you, with you ... but, doesn't want to be "official" because there's obligation in formalizing things. In other words, if he's your BF, now ... there's a sense of obligation to prioritize you in his life, which in turns, takes the focus off of "spoiling himself" and could put a level of obligation on his "stablilizing" his life. Right now, he likes to surprise you with stuff ... and he does that because he WANTS to ... but, the minute you guys put a BF/GF label on it ... he could feel obligated to do more, rather than simply doing so because he wants to. As well, he could see it from the "if it ain't broke, why fix it?" perspective. Actually, many if not most guys are like that. He likes it the way it is, so why change things, kwim?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 1:38pm
Thanks for the feedback, I guess I already knew most of that, but it is nice to hear outsider perspective, I really am trying not to rush things with him, I guess I will just wait and see, but seriously I am not waiting forever, say like another couple months down the line, I will definetly not still be dating him like this, hopefuly it will have progressed and if not then...next please... It is going well so far so I guess I should stop worrying and just live in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts