Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Confused
3
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 5:36pm

Hi,

This is a little long. There’s a man with whom I work at times- different companies and he lives about 6 hrs away. He’s 62 & I’m 52.

 He travels up here every couple of weeks. About a year ago we began to do things totally unwork related when he was in town- a hike, dinner at my house or a restaurant, etc. I wondered for a long time about what was going on between us.

Finally he made the move & we ended up in bed last fall. I spent the night at his house the following week (I was nearby for work). About a month later he was here again for work. Dinner one night at my house with me making the first moves & him pulling back saying he didn’t think this was a good idea. Then 2 nights later we ended up in his hotel room. That was last December. He asked what it was I wanted , but didn’t say what he wanted. I again said I didn’t want to be tied up with someone else- no serious commitment.

He went back to just wanting to be friends, saying we wanted different things.  That was ok except he kept flirting with me, leaving me totally confused.

 I finally called him on it by suggesting he come stay me when I was on the road & he was passing through on his way home. He said it’s not a good idea. I said ok but stop the flirting, it just leaves me confused.

 But he still is doing it- stays an extra day – at the hotel- so we can do things, went out to dinner & a play when I was in his town, then the next day with his horse etc, etc.

 He’s on the road an awful lot and knows people in the other communities, but he’s told me that everywhere else he just eats at a restaurant. But here he calls me & usually comes over to my house for dinner, either just the two of us or with some of my friends.

 Last time he even went to church with me, before he went fishing with some friends I’d hooked him up with & they wanted to go earlier!!

 If he was this social in all the other towns I wouldn’t be questioning his behavior.

 I called him again on the mixed messages. He said I’m wanting to read it differently, but I told him I spend time with other single guys who are just friends & I don’t get the behavior I do from him.

So my question is- is he confused? Why is he acting this way? Is he playing games just for fun or because he doesn’t know?

My problem now is that I’ve realized I don’t want to be alone- I’d like to share my life with somebody.  That came up in one of our conversations, but I didn’t say it was him.

Thanks!!

P.s. I'm going to put this on another board also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: carol0454
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 6:44pm

Carol, instead of trying to decipher what he's all about, can I suggest that you simply figure out what YOU want?

It's reasonable to assume that his behaviour won't change.  That he will continue to not want a relationship - but still flirt and have the enjoyment of your company.   If you're OK with this, then continue as you are.    But if you're not OK with it, then I would suggest you move on and leave him in your past.

In short, if his 'friendship' isn't working for you, end contact with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
In reply to: carol0454
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 11:18pm

I'd really be fine if we just remained friends, as long as he stops the flirting. I feel like he's playing a cat & mouse game with me, which just confuses me, as well as making me mad that he gets a kick out of it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 5:34pm

Carol, you've already asked him to stop the flirting and he didn't.   What makes you think he'd stop now?   As you say, it's like he's enjoying this game.

Like it or not, him being a flirty friend who toys with you IS part of the equation.   If you can't accept the flirting and confusion, then you have to ditch the friendship.