Could He Be The One?
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|Mon, 07-20-2009 - 8:12pm|
I haven't really posted in here, but my name's Kat. Five months ago I left my boyfriend of three years and moved out, because I felt like we weren't going anywhere. I had just been accepted to college and was starting to freak out about getting older. Just three months prior I had a miscarraige and we both were devastated because we had discussed it and were excited about it, despite how young we were. We both decided that if it happened, it was meant to happen. When it didn't, we saw it as a sign that it just wasn't the right time but it hurt me a lot, and sent a ripple through our relationship.
Before I found out I was pregnant I was looking toward going back to school at a local college, but put it on hold because of the pregnancy. After the m/c, without realizing it, I started to push in the opposite direction to prove to myself that it wasn't the right time for babies, I needed to finish school. Without really giving myself time to heal or time for us to really talk about it, I decided that I was going to school ASAP to get going on my degree. In retrospect, I see now that I shut him out. I started to go downhill in the respect of how I treated him. I became bitter about a lot of things, started to "notice" problems in our relationship. I started picking at everything, and became fed up with where we were living. I hated living so close with him, started to feel like I didn't have enough space, but now I realize that was my own fault.
I ended up leaving him, this was in March. It was a horrible breakup, and I was in a lot of pain over doing it. For some reason, I just felt like it was my only option. When explaining to myself and others, even him, why I was unhappy, all the reasons really didn't involve him. I would say that I felt trapped, that I needed more space. I would say that he didn't help me with my emotional struggle or need for support, but I never really let him help me. I never asked for help, and I constantly kept my thoughts quiet. They festered up to the point I couldn't take it anymore, and I packed up all my things and moved out.
After I left, I went out and rebelled. I went to see people I hadn't seen since I left my first college. They were bar flies. I went out and met tons of strangers at bars, and just got reckless. None of those people cared about me, but they were an escape. I didn't realize until now that all of the people that loved me, I left behind.
Now, almost five months later, I've really had a lot of time to think. My ex went and got his life in order. He got a better job, got involved in a lot of social events and really bloomed (he was pretty shy before). He got a gym membership and started eating healthier. In the beginning of this month I got sick (I have epilepsy) and he came and visited me everyday in the hospital, even when I was sent to two hours away to a better hospital. He kept in contact, but he didn't smother me. He left me alone and focused on his own life. He let me contact him when I wanted to talk, but for the most part kept his distance, letting me know that he was there if I needed him.
I wasn't really aware of all of this until a day or so ago. After being in the hospital and going through a painful recovery, I went through a period where I couldn't eat, sleep, move without struggle. When I started to feel good, the simplliest things were huge to me. Just being hungry and being able to eat, being able to go see a movie, even just being able to walk up the lane without experiancing a seizure. All those little things mean so much, and I realized suddenly that I really miss everything about our relationship. And then I realized that I still love him, and that I feel like I walked out on the best thing I've ever had. I know that it hasn't been a long time since we broke up, but it also wasn't just yesterday.
I know that he's open to us getting back together. I'm preparing to move in with a friend into her new house. Even though me and him lived together for three years, I'm not going to move back in. I feel though that we deserve another chance.
I know thats a lot, but I hope I can get some insight with this. I'm optimistic that I'm feeling right, and that my head is finally clear. I know that sometimes it takes a wake-up call to find out what really matters, and how much you really do love someone.