Could this work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Could this work?
7
Sat, 08-01-2009 - 10:11pm

Here's some background. I met a guy in a bar that I think I like. I'm 24 and he's 42. We're both clearly attracted to each other. I don't believe we're compatible but I think about him when I wake up and we call or text each other everyday, without fail.


Obviously, the age is a hang up. He's trying to get on the marriage track and I'm just starting to date again (after a really bad relationship). He is kind of a party kid; he drinks & smokes, which drives me crazy (the smoking, not the drinking). Every time we're together, there's a definite attraction but nothing serious has happened. He's also very needy.


Are needy men doomed to rely on women they date or can they become more independent with time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: maemae97
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 9:37am

You say "party kid" but he's an old dude compared to you.


No this can't work. You're smarter than this. You are an intelligent 24 year old girl with a lot of potential, you met an older married guy in a bar whom you're not compatible with, who is needy and wants attention from women, drives you crazy with his habits

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
In reply to: maemae97
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 11:46am

Thanks Undercover,


He's not married but he's at the point in his life where he feels like he needs to quit partying and settle down. He's a good guy but I feel like his neediness is a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: maemae97
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 7:00pm

Ouch, I have NO idea where I read that he was married - I'm sorry I think I must have conjoined a little of someone else's post into yours!


The rest I still feel strongly about though. He is a loser. There is a personality type called "the loser" wherein even though he may actually be a nice guy but when he's relying on YOU to feel good, he becomes needy and desperate and brings you down emotionally. I don't think continuing to date him will bring you anything good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
In reply to: maemae97
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 8:20pm
If the neediness was the only issue, I would say it couldn't hurt to talk to him about it and see if things improve. However, there are a bunch of issues here. I get the sense you know he is not what you are looking for. Why bother trying to making things work when there is no future here? If you want to fool around with him for the time being just for the fun of it, then go ahead. Just be honest with him that this relationship will never be serious to you, and that if he is dating to find "the one" then he needs to look elsewhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: maemae97
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 8:59am

Yeah I agree with undercovercrab on this one. This guy is a looser! He's needy, he parties like he's a 21 yr old, and clearly doesn't act his age. To answer your question, he's got a lot of growing up to do. Keep this in mind, whenever you get out of ANY relationship, you need time to heal from that..right? Whether it be several months, or a year or two. When he talks about trying to "get on the marriage track", that's just BS. He's needy because he's got issues, and that in itself will become a major problem for anyone he dates in the future.

Honestly you can do A LOT better than that, try dating someone in their late 20's. You will find that men that age are more stable financially, and emotionally than a 42 yr old who acts like he's still a kid.

Move on, and cut him off...it's not going to work!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
In reply to: maemae97
Thu, 08-06-2009 - 12:17pm
I think everyone has the potential to become more independent with time but they actually need to be in an independent status in order to do it. Which means that he can't be in a serious relationship if he has growing up he needs to do. I don't think you necessarily HAVE to stop seeing him but you may need to if you want him to become a less needy person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
In reply to: maemae97
Fri, 08-07-2009 - 2:30pm

Ahhh...back when i was 25 I met a man who was 38 (also at a bar). The attraction was there and he treated me well.