Dating 2 men at once...how bad is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
Dating 2 men at once...how bad is it?
3
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 4:44pm

Hi everyone,

I have a question to ask that maybe a few of you can relate to. I have recently met 2 great men...they are both different and unique in their own ways. Bob - is definitely long term relationship material (the good boy) - he even admits to wanting to get married sooner rather than later...he's close to my age (40) educated, secure, has a great job, intelligent, charming and cute. I enjoy being around him and we have some things in common - he's definitely a good guy. Then there's Bill - in a word he's electric... blonde, blue eyed sensually hot man (THE BAD BOY), but he's made his way in the world to have his own business, he's 33, has a 4 year old son and he's equally charming in his own way. We have less in common but man oh man, he just does something for me I can't put my finger on it, but it's just that ZAP. However, I do see that probably in the long run Bill is probably not for me.

So my question is - how long can I date 2 men? I have a commitment to neither of them...but I guess I want to date both and see where the cards fall. I could also be completely wrong in judging Bill and maybe by getting to know him my eyes could be opened to getting beyond the initial bad boy that I see. I do have to mention I have NOT slept with either one yet, but that could change. Does that make me a bad person to want to explore both avenues with both men? I haven't run across this situation before...usually it's cut and dry in terms of who I want to be with, but not this time.

I could use some advice...my friends are not sure how to proceed with this one. I don't want to be dishonest to either Bob or Bill, but at the early stages of getting to know someone, what is and isn't wrong??

Thanks for your help!
S

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 5:02pm

So long as you have not made a commitment to be exclusive with either man, it's not "bad" at all to date more than one man.

I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about dating other people before I've made a commitment to be exclusive with someone. I assume he's dating other people, as I am, but I don't want to hear about it. So I don't bring it up either...I just think it's tacky. However, if someone *asks*, I am honest...but I don't give details, or mention other dates.

I personally prefer to not commit to exclusivity until we've been dating for about 6-8 weeks. I think it takes at least that long to get to know someone well enough to decide if I want to date him exclusively.

I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone I'm not exclusive with, however, so I personally would wait until you decide to date one of them exclusively to get physical. But that's something you need to decide for yourself.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:56am

if your goal is a serious relationship/marriage, then you probably don't want to date two people for a long period of time. not because it's "wrong," but because it can lead to problems down the road. it gets confusing, for one thing. too many details to keep straight... it gets to be a problem once sex comes into the equation... it can lead to an awkward conversation when one of them inevitably asks you, "are you seeing anyone else?" the problem is, if one of the guys has serious interest in you, then HE probably will stop seeing anyone else he's been seeing, and then he might be hurt to hear that you're still seeing someone else.

it all depends on how many dates we're talking about. i'd say you need 3 or 4 dates tops to decide if a guy has relationship potential. so go on 3 or 4 dates with each and then decide one or the other has more relationship potential. or, decide neither of them have relationship potential. in that case, it's fine to date both of them indefinitely, just for fun!

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:39am
It's okay to like both men but a decision should be made before one of them asks were you think the relationship is going because then that'll be a problem. It comes to a point where you need to chose and not be selfish. Sometimes people already know who they will be with and just still drag the other along and that's not fair. Take into account that peoples emotions are involved! You wouldn't want this done to you. Good luck!