Dating and Feeling SO very Guilty

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Registered: 10-20-2005
Dating and Feeling SO very Guilty
10
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 10:18pm

Hi everyone!! I can use a little more dating advice here. As you know from other posts ive been dating this one guy. We dont have an exclusive relationship but what we do have is very good. As I stated once before I feel as if Im starting to have feelings for him. Im trying to keep them under control, because after being seperated for only 15 months, Im not feeling ready for love again just yet.

I heard from the first guy I met after my seperation, when I decided to start dating. Well it didnt work too well back then, I wasnt ready to date, and he realized he wasnt either. He wants to get together and have dinner tomorrow night. I accepted because I figure Im free to do as I please, I have nothing exclusive . So why not RIGHT???

Well now that its the night before, a part of me wants to cancel because I feel guilty. Hes working and asked if Id be home that he would call me, and I had to say I was going out with some girlfriends. Im not proud of myself at all for lying to him. Why do I feel so guilty?? Theres no ring on my finger, no promises for the future. But I wonder if there ever will be a future with him. And Im afraid to close myself off from the world at this point.

I do enjoy this other man's company, but I cant shake these feelings for him and that I shouldnt do this. I guess when I was younger and dated, it was always one guy at a time. But times have changed.

What should I do?? Someone please give me some advice. I wonder at this point if my heart is telling my head, that its too late, Im already in love and thats why I feel this way. I think its also important to add that guy one and I have a sexual relationship too. That may be a strong factor for me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 8:47am

Flick, don’t feel too bad. Ok, you lied but know next time just say your going out with a friend because that he is. Don’t try to let your head and you heart wrestle go with what is comfortable for you. Apparently, you enjoyed this ex enough to say yes to going out so take advantage to go out catch up with an old friend. Just because you use to date does not mean you will again. Things could have changed for either of you and you may not be compatible so do not worry about what it looks like because you are currently dating. Also, you said that the current relationship is not exclusive so no harm done. Enjoy for what it is worth and come back and let us know how it goes.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:45am
I can c y ur feeling guilty b/c I'd feel the same way. It seems that u & ur guy do have a relationship but it is not officially declared. This unofficialness is causing u2 wonder if maybe ur putting all ur eggs in 1 basket. The problem w/ this is that maybe ur guy is truly not dating anyone else & feels ur both living by the law of implication & if he finds out ur talking 2 ur ex he'll consider it cheating. That actually happened 2 me & I was so mad b/c I was like well how was I supposed 2 know that we were exclusive & then throughout the relationship he rant & raved about how I was a cheater when in all reality I didn't even know he was my man!If I were u I'd ask my B/F where we stand. Be like if u were seeing or dating some1 else would u tell me? Try & fish information that way. If he clearly states that the relationship is open then by all means go ahead & date the ex. BUT atleast this way u won't feel so guilty & u'll be making the right choice according to the circumstance. I hope this helps! Good luck & keep us posted :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 6:24pm

flicksgirl,
While you know that what you have with other the other guy isn't exclusive, per previous posts, there are some details ... important details ... that affect the "what you should do?" question? Of course, it's up to you if you want to share those details. Just keep in mind that, the extent of the advice/suggestions received here is only as good as the relevant details of the situation.

You have no reason to feel guilty. At all. Why not go out with the other guy?! You owe yourself that much. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 7:38pm

Women.....uh - I hate to admit to being one. Let's get you sorted out hopefully.

Dating...it's all about the right here, right now. It's about enjoying and learning about someone in that moment....period, the end.

Dating does NOT create relationships. Dating does not create the desire for commitment or a relationship.

Dating is all about fun, sex if agreed to, excitement, and adventure - in the moment, with somoene you find sexy, fun, charming, witty, and intelligent. Whatever combination turns you on.

So people that "date more than one person at a time' - are healthy and normal. They're not looking for a relationship, or commitment, they're looking to experience fun events, and interesting people....WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF THEIR OWN PERSONAL BOUNDARIES AND REQUIREMENTS.

In short......in dating you don't do anything "because of, in spite of, to get, or to cause" a response. You do waht you'er comfortable doing in light of what exists at thsi time - fun, no commitment. If you're comfortable with casual sex great.

The word "exclusivity" means different things to different people. As a rule exclusivity refers to sexual context only. It's "monogamous" of the old days. It's "I won't be having sex with anybody but you"....that leaves you free to date, flirt, and enjoy other people and interests at will....it simply means you don't "sleep" with anybody else as a result of prioritizing your own health and that of your partner.

So you're saying that with guy #1 that you're already dating - you're also having sex.

Does this ring any associative bells:

men/fun/dating/sex/love/commitment/security/status/identity/success/happiness

It might easily be that you've got one "action" tied to other existential elements in life that sex does not indicate and cannot produce. That is why you 'feel" so bonded to people you have sex with...and that would explain why you never dated - you "relationshipped".

You dated someone, you started to have sex, you had feelings based on your associative pattern string, you then responded to the feelings of the associative pattern - rather than what existed. that's how women get "sex and love" confused...and can't understand how a man can sleep around and have it "mean nothing".

So basically with guy number 1 you're dating and having sex. If you have not discussed exclusivity sexually, or dating - you should. To assume makes at least an ass of you.

It might easily be that he's being exclusive in sex and dating - wouldn't consider it appropriate to be any other way, and didn't think communicating that was a requirement - based on his life experiences. Or, it could be that he's not being exclusive in dating or sex, and avoiding the topic meant he didn't have to deal with your hurt feelings or justified anger at finding out post-coitus that he slept with two other women in the last two days and you've been put at risk.

If there's no question in your mind due to honest conversation that you're NOT sexually exclusive and you're not dating exclusive with guy #1......do you realize it's very likely youo'll never be in a relationship of exclusivity and commitment with guy #1?

What people pursue is what they want. He's pursuin dating and sex...with is not obligation ,requirement, commitment, and sacrifice - and a relationship is all of that.

So if he wanted a relationship....it's unlikely he'd be dating you and sleeping with you while doing that iwth other people. The reason people have no exclusivity arrnagement - is they have other people they want to sleep with specifically - or they want the option to do it without guilt or hesitation should the opportunity arise and htey're going to seek the opportunity.

So it's very unlikely that a relationship of commitment and exclusivity is going to result with guy #1 as a result of dating and sleeping withh him.

So now to guy #2. You say you've made the date...it makes you uncomfortable now that you've made the date. YOu did it out of sense of "I have the right, the guy I'm sleeping with won't give me commitment"...and now butt against the wall.....you're having "feelings" which you're interpreting as a way out "maybe I'm already in love".

No, you're not.......you're in anxiety. You might easily want a relationship with guy #1...and you've given him the ultimate and you still have nothing but in the moment sex and interaction. You can't figure out how to get more....and so you're trying to "see wht else is out there"...

Here's the problem...at least in part. To you the stove is on or off- but there is no mid-range flame. You either are dating, and kissing, having sex, and getting all intertwined and involved and reliant......or else you're with nobody and wishing you were and doing all of the previous.

So you don't know how to date - without look at each date as Potentially Mr. Right. Doing that means that you go to impress, please, to posture and pose - which leavesyou way to busy to do any character assessment or reality -based interaction with the man across the table.

You're so busy trying to get him to want you - you fail to decide if he's of any interest to you.

You did that with guy #1........you wanted him to want you so bad, you failed to get the reality of the facts before you. That he doesn't want "you" as an individual - he wants you as a distraction and diversion. But you're so delighted to be "wanted" in any capacity - you're settling for this. Nothing wrong it it - not all dating should "go somewhere"....and most dating doesn't.

But obviously you want dating to "go somewhere" or else you wouldn't be out there wanting to see what else is out there because this one won't get off square one.

So, it's nature that you're going to be nervous. You're doing something ouside of your normal pattern and routine. Change causes anxiety.

But what you should do is also step outside of that other pattern where you go with the priority on being so desirable, impressive, pleasing, and provocative in thier eyes - that you fail to really begin to get to know them.

Because if you'd have done that with guy #1....you'd have seen this pretty quick.

People do waht they do because they want to do it. Their values justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires.

So he's not doing anything "wrong" in his view - and what he does with you - he does with other people.

Same with you - only you're not sure how not to "go on a date, start planning a future, slip into bed and start playing house".

The only people that are willing to let that go on are users and losers...not healthy, mature, rational, successful, secure, and emotionally balanced person wants anything to do with it.

Don't think "sex" itself means something.........if it means somehting to yuo - don't have sex until what it represents to you - already exists to the best of your ability to confirm. That way you're having sex "in" the environment you're comfortable in - not to get that environment to result - you don't control that.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 5:16pm
So Flicksgirl, how did your date go?
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Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 6:26am

My date went very good!! We had a nice dinner and alot of good conversation. I was right about one thing, hes looking to give us a try again. As he said we always seem to end up here. He thinks and I agree that when we met, neither of us was really ready for anything. We were both going through the first year of seperation, and a pending divorce. We both will be divorced in about 3 months. So he'd like to see me and take it slow and see where it takes us. Im open to thinking about it, and seeing him again. But I have to say when he kisses me, it wasnt the same as T. When T kisses me its so deep, it feels like the whole world has disappeared!!! Tell me what do you think that means??? Does a kiss tell that much about feelings for each other????

Thanks for thinking of me!!! Let me know what you think, that goes for all!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 9:50am
I think the problem here is that you truly love the man that you are with BUT since you guys haven't proclaimed your exclusivity you are straying to the x. The reason that the kiss with the ex is good and not wonderful like with T is because you truly love T. I know for me I've tried to do what you are doing. I was like well Imight as well date other people since I am not technically committed but it's just not the same b/c my heart is already with someone else as is the issue here with you or so I think. Have you even tried to talk to T to see if maybe exclusive committment is an option?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:17pm
One reason why the kiss might not feel as good as when you kiss T is because you have been bonding more with T than your ex. But maybe if you give you ex a chance and continue seeing him you can start forming a bond with him and your kisses will be just as good as they are with T. Even if you do have more feelings for T, I think it would be a good idea to continue seeing your ex especially since you enjoyed yourself. What is the point of hanging on for a guy who might not want to be with you in the long run. Why would you want to take a chance of letting go of a guy who might be the one for you? Give your ex a chance and in the meantime see if T comes around.
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Registered: 06-22-2005
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 12:51pm
But my question to you is did it do you any good to pine for these guys who did not feel the same way about you? All I'm saying is that at times women tend to waste time waiting for guys to change their mind and in the end they end up leaving them and the women are left alone.
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Registered: 10-20-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 8:07am

Bella,

Thanks for the advice, and no there is not point to pining away, so I am going to see the ex bf again. I wont give up just yet on T. We seem to grow closer, but at a slow pace. I have set a time for myself and I plan to stick to it. When that time comes, I will sit down and talk with him about the future, me, our kids, and what he wants with me. I wont corner him with demands Ill simply keep it as "what I want and need" and that if he feels he cant offer that to me then I need to date others and look for my happiness. At that point and it may take him sometime to do it, he will either come to me or he will keep on walking into the sunset. There are only 2 options and one will have to be picked.

I hate to sound like its a game, but I cant allow too much time to go by without anwsers. I try to respect how he feels, he hates conversations on feelings, they make him uncomfortable. But lately when I sneak a line or two in he seems to respond, not like he has in the past. I think hes scared of love and hes scared of me. He went so far as to pretend to be someone using a fictious name online, to get me to chat with him and tell me he thinks hes falling in love with me. To this day, he denies it was him, but I know it was, theres noone else it could have been. I no his way of chatting, his abbreveations, and his cute little sayings.

As much as I care for him, I know I cant wait forever for him to offer me what I want or need, and you know if he cant or wont, I respect that honesty, and I go on with my life. Im 45 years YOUNG, and I cant wait forever to find hapiness again in my life.