dating a divorced man

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
dating a divorced man
4
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:45pm
I'm dating 'the love of my life'; & I've never felt happier. He has been married before & divorced 2 to 3 years ago. We moved in together (all is well) but I feel weird seeing that there is still alot of 'her' in the house. No photos are up, or visible but I know they are in the basement. I've seen papers from their marriage time floating in our office. I can't help but feel jealous and wonder why they're still around. Am I being insensitive in the thought of wanting them out of the house? I want our relationship to be in the present; the past is something that is haunting me in the basement & cardboard boxes. Any advice? Should I keep quiet & not speak my mind about his ex or wait it out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 8:56pm

Hello

I dated a divorced guy once and that was one of the problems that I had was that he has already been through everything and I wanted to feel like our relationship was new and special. Not just me fitting in to someone elses life and taking over where his ex wife left off.

I spoke to him about it. I would talk to him about it. Tell him that you are so happy with your relationship and are excited about the future but you don't want to be just taking over someonelses place in his life.

Be honest and say I know that you have a past and some wonderful memories from it and I am not asking you to throw away or make it all dissapear but may be we can start making this place "our place" and have our future and past gathering around.

Maybe you can suggest even putting together some kind of file,photo albums and get a shelf unit or really nice trunk to put the things in. this will make him feel like you are A. not jealous B. Not trying to tell him how to run his life. C. Sharing his past with him which will make him feel so much more comfortable and open with you.

I know that it is hard - you see I couldn't do it +++ I was younger, he had a child, I wasn't prepared to marry him. He was a fantastic guy and I wish I could have set him up with everyone of my friends.

Good luck!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:20pm

>>Am I being insensitive in the thought of wanting them out of the house?<<

Absolutely! The photos are in the basement....which is good. But none of us should ever expect our partners to throw away their memories. My DH and I still have all our photos from our past and they're a non-issue.

Tell me, do you have any photos from your past? I bet you do. How would you feel if he asked you to get rid of them?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:26pm

I think asking him to get rid of things that are packed away is over the top.

I would be VERY upset if an SO asked me to get rid of mementos of my past...they are part of my life. It's not like I'm taking them out every night and going through them...but once in a while, it's nice to take a trip down memory lane. That has nothing to do with how I might feel about a current SO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 3:28am

Actually, I've got a tiny dilemma regarding photos at present.

I am a scrapbooker and am contemplating doing a book "all about me". Naturally, I'd include some daggy photos from my childhood and some photos from the present. However, do I include my first marriage (ended without anger or hate)....and friendship with my sister's ex husband (who turned out to be a very nasty fellow)?

My instincts (which I will most likely follow) say that I should just gloss over that part of my life....however, there are still some very nice memories.

The thing is, these activities made me what I am today. But I suppose they should be left in my photo albums. I suppose I can just look at them on the rare occaision that I choose to.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace