Dating a man with kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Dating a man with kids
6
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:27pm

Hey everyone,

I left a reply on an earlier message, but I didn't seem to be getting any feedback so I decided to start my own discussion. I have a serious relationship problem, and I need some help. The guy I have been talking to/long-distance dating for the past three years has two kids from a previous marriage. Actually, he is separated from his wife, but the divorce won't be offical until June. So yes, I did start talking to him knowing that he was married, but he assured me their relationship was over. The problem is that he has been putting his kids in front of me, and it really hurts me. Am I just being selfish? I've always dreamed of marrying a man and starting a family of my own with a clean slate. I really do think I love him. I know I should leave, but I don't know if I could live without him. If you have any advice for me, I would definitely love to hear your opinion.

Thanks, Hart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:53pm

A couple of different things here. Broadly speaking, a good parent will ALWAYS put their child first. Relationships come and go, but our children are forever. Therefore they need to be #1. Besides, they can't look after themselves. If you want to be #1 you will have to find a man with no children.

Perhaps if you give some examples of his children coming first we would be better able to discuss his motives.

Not being officially divorced wouldn't bother me. Especially because I dated my now DH for a few years before getting around to divorcing #1. I wasn't hanging on to my previous marriage or anything....it was just a lot of annoying paperwork that I kept postponing.

However, as you are long distance - are you 100% sure that he's really separated?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 4:56pm

Hart,

I choose not to judge you as far as selfishness goes. Because its not necessarily a matter of that. You cant compete for his attention with his children. There needs to be time for you and time for them. And as someone else posted his children should come first, and will always come first.

What you really need to do, is sit down and do some serious thinking here. You say you always wanted to start with a clean slate, and there is no clean slate with this man. He is a father, and there is a mother/exwife involved. You have to decide for yourself if you can be a friend and a role model to his children. As a mother, trust me, no one is asking you to be their mother. They have one already.

You need to accept his children and the strong tie that he has to them. If you truly love him, then I would say you need to love all of him and they are a part of him.

Is it a matter of the amount of time you two spend together?? Is so talk to him about it. When you say long distance, how far is long distance?? Also if I may ask how old are you and how old are the children?

I am in a similar situation myself. Been with my bf for 8 months now, only difference is I was married and have 4 children (ages 21, 17, 13 & 10) he has 2 children (ages 15 & 13). He lives about one hour away from me, and we dont get alot of time together. Between the distance, the kids, our jobs, and his shift work, its tough. I may not be much help to you at this time, because Im feeling a bit disillusioned myself. I always heard of people remarrying and step children, and families meshing etc......but the more I experience and the more I read, Im not so sure its all that simple.

Im at a point now, where even though I love him and he loves me too, Im not sure where we'll end up. I honestly have a hard time beleiving that we have a future at this point. I think if we do its not for years to come until our children are grown. I maybe foolish to feel that way, but I cant help but wonder how it will ever work. I just know that for now as tough as it gets, he makes me happy, and I wonder myself if I should just walk away, but maybe every man I meet my age, will also have children of his own, so Im right back to square one. So I guess I live for today. You on the other hand have no children of your own, so you may find it simplier to find a man without any either.

I wish you luck, and do that thinking!! If you have any thoughts for me or anyone else does Id love to hear it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:04pm

"The problem is that he has been putting his kids in front of me, and it really hurts me. Am I just being selfish? I've always dreamed of marrying a man and starting a family of my own with a clean slate."

1) yes it's totally selfish. 2) if that is your dream, then he is not your dream man.

His children will always and should always come before you. Honestly, if they were your children you'd want them coming before his new hunny too. You will never have the clean slate, because his is already written on. He is a package deal, and you don't want the package. I'm sure you do love him and feel that you can't live with out him, but he's got kids that need their daddy and that far outranks your need for him. It sucks for you, but that is the way of it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:13am

Im afraid to say it but yes you are being selfish. A good parent should always put their kids first and if you truly want to be with this man, you have to accept it. But if you want to start with a clean slate, and by this I presume you mean for him to have no children, then he obviously isn't the right guy for you and you need to finish, no matter how much you love him. You need to accept that his kids are a HUGE part of his life and will always be around, as will their mother which to me is the hardest part. And yes, there will be times that he has to put his kids first and thats the way it should be. How old are the children as that could be playing a big part in how he is acting? Are they young or old enough to be independent?

Im in the same situation. My boyfriend is separated though the divorce is also due any time soon and he has his children stay every Wednesday night and every other weekend. They mean the world to him and to be honest, his love for them is a big part of the attraction I feel towards him. When he is with them, he shows with abundance how sweet, loving and caring he is. It took him 6 months to introduce me to them and its only been recently that I actually started to stay overnight when they are there. Our problem was I didnt want the children to think I was always around on "daddy time" in case they started to resent me so we took it very slowly and its worked out great. Im building a relationship with his children and we both enjoy spending time together with them, spending time on our own and he still gets to spend time alone with them as well. We have come to a very happy routine that works for all of us but if his children did have a problem with me or me with them, then I know and would hope that we would finish for their sakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:02am

Would you really want a man that was willing to put someone else above his children? What kind of man is that? When you date a man with kids you will never #1, that is a fact that you have to accept, but if he is a great guy it's not a hard sacrifice to make. My sweetie has two kids and I love to watch him be a dad, it just makes him more attractive to me. Yes it is inconvenient sometimes, when I have an event but it's a weekend he has his kids, or when certain little people won't stay in their own beds, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

If you aren't willing to embrace the thing (things) that are most important to him (ie his kids) then he is not the right man for you and you certainly aren't the right woman for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:34pm

Hart,

When you date a man with children its not a easy life. Its not easy to be a woman with children and date. We cant drop everything and run anytime we so choose. You have to accept that about him and if you do you'll be fine. That doesnt mean you wont be hurt or feel lonely for him somedays, it happens to me!! I dont get the amount of time I want with my guy. But I wont give up what we do have!! As the children grow it gets easier.

As far as jealousy/selfishness goes, it can hit anyone. Dont be too hard on yourself. But I understand when you feel it, you think your just horrible!! We all have our moments and feelings, that we arent so proud of when they come.

So as I told you before, you need to think and decide if you can be happy living this way. I look at my options and say I either stay or I go, and my heart wont let me go.