Is dating really this hard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Is dating really this hard?
15
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:40pm

Ok, this is a question about those relationships that really work. I know I have been told that relationships that are truly meant to be are not work. It is not were working on this and that because if you have to work on it in the beginning what makes it good later on. I mean once the relationships is established and you both have been together for a year or two you work to keep it together because of how things were and your getting that back. But, has a relationship ever been good for you that you had to work on in the first 3 mos? I mean you both work different schedules, live in different areas, etc.. things just do not fall into place that you can do normal dating or dating as you expect do they really work?


I am currently seeing a guy (yes those who know me I am dating again) he lives 4 hrs away. This is LD but doesn't feel that way. We talk just about daily, continue on with our normal lives. I promised to visit every other weekend but so far we have not had to work on anything. Everything is fine. I look back the relationships I had to work on in the beginning, be it distance, schedule, or whatever was not meant to be. Actually I put so much into making it work that I didn't see it was not suppose to work. That person was not (from my favorite poem) my Reason, Season, or Lifetime. There was no purpose of us being together except for I wanted it to work because the spark seemed to be there, or was it really a spark but me just wanting to date and be in a relationship.


Ok, I've babbled enough and this has brought on another question. So I will go post it but speak on this. Tell me your experience. How do you feel?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 5:31am

My relationship with my DH has always been so easy. Sure, we sometimes have to compromise, but in nearly 13 years, we've never had an arguement. Sure, we've disagreed - but we always solve it quickly and easily and without raised voices, anger or insults.

I sometimes read posters who write "we've had our ups and downs - just like everyone". And I'm always telling them that not all relationships do have ups and downs.

My main belief is that if a couple lots of fights and 'ups and downs' then they should not marry. If it's hard before marriage, then marriage itself will be a disaster.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 7:52am

I pretty much agree with iv. I've bene in both types of relationships those that require "work" and now one that really doens't. Yes, we had some issues in the beginning but 85% of that was me making something out of nothing. I MADE it work, when it didn't have to be.

I had been so brainwashed by everyone around me constantly saying, "Relationships are hard work." "Marriage is hard work." "If you're not willignt o work at it it'll never last." "You shouldn't give up so easily, all relationships require work."... So I kept making it work.

I honestly think the truth is when you find a person who is truly compatible with you it isn't "work", that's not to say it doesn't require some effort. You can't allow yourself to become complacent and take your partner for granted. You can't make your relationship your last priority over taking care fo the kids, cleaning the house, and watching CSI (maybe that's just me). Making love to your partner should be more important then the dirty kitchen florr staying dirty one more day. Hiring a sitter adn going out on a date night once in a while should be more important then buying that great pair of red strappy sandles.

But if you think doing those things is making a sacrafice or is "work" then chances are your not with the right person.

Will there be problems? Sure. But when you're with the right person, someone you are truly compatible with it's easy to focus on, "Well, how do WE deal with this?" "How do we make this right for US?" It's easy to focus on resolving issues beacsue you aren't trapped in figuring out whose fault the issue is all either of you cares adbout is fixing it so both of you can go back to being happy.

So having been on both sides I'd have to say I'll stick with this adn go with having a relationship that is REALLY easy.

So as far as dating being hard only has to be if you make it that way by trying to "make" things work. Good realtionships don't require that you "make" them work, they just do. I really don't think it should be as hard as we often make it for ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 1:10pm

Wow... I SO liked the point about the 'work' required on relationships shouldn't feel like work, that Nick made!!


I agree with most everything said so far... all relationships are going to have some disagreement at times, but with care and compromise ~ they don't become large issues.


In my relationship ~ yes, the first while of it was very hard.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:25pm
Pete and I had problems in the beginning too. But somehow I knew we'd get beyond it he was always supportive about working things out. I don't think we rally thought about breakign up it was just like , "How do we deal with this and get past it." And it was ALWAYS "WE". I never felt alone. I think that's why it doesn't feel like work, it's becasue I know I'm never going to have to struggle and sort things out on my own again, he's always there to help share the load.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:30pm

So it would be safe to think that, the behavior when first dating has a lot to do with it. Meaning if he just stops talking to you, red flag but if he wants to talk but don't want to, red flag. But, if you both are trying figure out ok what just happened here lets see whats going on then there is no real big problem, i.e. no work where as the other two is work because he stopped calling so you are worried why, what is he thinking or she doesn't want to talk about it so he is wondering why and so on.


Again, I have so much stuff running through my head at the moment I hope you understnad my question.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 3:40pm

I think I do, and I think you're right.

Basically, if you're the one doing all the work it feels like work. IF you're always struggling to be what he wants you to be or always trying to "get" him to do something or "make" him stop doing something.

With the right guy you're compatible, he wants to do the things you wnat him to do and vice versa. So, even if you have to ask sometimes you don't have to beg or nag. At least not when it comes to the important things.

And with the right guy you have a partner. It isn't about either one of youo doing anything "wrong" and needing to change, it's matter of the two of you working out the kinks.

For example, Pete might eventually go back avtive duty so he can be promoted. This would pretty much mean I would need to become a full-time military wife as the promotion would put him more or less in charge of all enlisted men on a base and I would be spending a lot of time hostessing and doing things with the wives on the base. He was worried I would object. I told him, "Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there, but I'm sure we can figure it out. Who knows what might change between now and then."

We don't worry abnout the future because we now we'll find ways to make it work for BOTH of us. We were confident on our own as individuals that no matter what life through at us we could find a way to deal with it. We have that same conquer the world attitude as a couple so there is no reason to worry and that makes for lot less "work".

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 6:02pm

Exactly what I was trying to say. (and so much more eloquently put!)

I particularly agree with >>I had been so brainwashed by everyone around me constantly saying, "Relationships are hard work." "Marriage is hard work." "If you're not willignt o work at it it'll never last." "You shouldn't give up so easily, all relationships require work."... So I kept making it work.<<

I see this online all the time. And it's so wrong....I just want to give those people a window into my relationship so that they can see that it truly isn't hard work.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 7:26am

Yeah, it's kind of funny, in almost a sad way. Because it wasn't until I stopped "working" so hard and accepted that, "Hey, maybe I have something to do with this maybe I'm making this work when it doesn't need to be."

So I stopped dating guys that required "work" and went out and founf one that wasn't work adn then when things started to get serious and things were going so well I started creating problems because i slipped back into the "it should be work" mode.

Once I stopped looking for trouble in paradise I stopped finding it. I'm happier in a relationship then I've ever been. I know longer feel I'm with soemone and yet somehow I'm still alone and on my own, which was always ten times more lonely then whe I WAS actually on my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:04pm

Hate me, love me, here's my two cents.

When people tell me they have no issues and never have, I have to wonder....are they truly that made for each other, or are they both just running away?

My bf, was with his xw for 8 years. He said, they rarely fought, and to them, "fighting" was just disagreeing. HOWEVER, in those 8 years, he was also a doormat, did anything and everything for her. They ALSO BOTH were conflict avoiders, so they both just hid/buried their conflicts. They ALSO BOTH were mostly easy-going people, so things didn't bother them as much as it would more high strung people. So, if you combine all that, it's no wonder their r'ship was so perfect on the outside, and even to each other, and yet, underneath it all, they both were pretty much unhappy, but y'know, never said anything, cuz that would mean conflict.

To ME, when things are THAT easy, it'd cause me worry, because.....if conflict DID arise, I'd want to know that my man won't run, and instead, will stand by my side.

I had an easy r'ship once. We just clicked and everything was smooth. Well, come to find out, when I brought up "just being content" instead of "happy", he said, "oh, that's nice, I'm fine where I am. Why do we need to change anything" and I agreed. What am I complaining about? things are fine. Well, a few months later, I told him "i'm not happy with our lifestyle, let's shake thigns up a bit". And well, he said okay, but then he also started doing strange things, and within a month, of that last talk, instead of working things out, he just wanted out. He had NEVER worked on a r'ship in his life, he felt, if it wasn't easy, it wasn't meant to be. So, our marriage ended.

On the other hand. Me and my second xh worked so hard on our r'ship, we realized we were forcing it.

I don't believe r'ships should be "hard" to the piont where you're working on thinsg 24/7, however, I also believe if the person isn't "healthy" and has "issues" then you WILL be working on the r'ship, and yourself/SO's self, until things ARE smoother. that could take a month, a year, a couple of years BEFORE things smooth out.

If a r'ship is easy at the beginning, it doesn't mean anything to me, why? Because, he could be going out of his way to do things for you, whereas normally he wouildn't. He could be accepting the fact that you burped in front of him, when in fact, he HATES that. Point is, until you pass the honeymoon period, have a major crisis in the r'ship, you don't know how they'll react. So, all that "comfyness" could have just been him "avoiding conflict to please you". which in itself is bad.

In my own world. Dbf and I had it rough in the beginning. but then again, he was VERY opposite of the ppl I have dated, ditto with me for him. Also, I was fixing myself. Which he had to deal with and go thru with me. Then, after I started mellowing out, HE was fixing himself. THEN we started fixing the r'ship. I will admit, in teh beginning we were climbing MOUNTAINS, but now, any bumps are like speed bumps. I know he'll always TRY to work on our r'ship to the best of his ability. I love KNOWING he'll do whatever it takes to make our r'ship better.

Had our r'ship been easy, and something came up.....honestly, if he was the man he was prior to his changing, he wouldn't have fixed a thing. He would've ignored it, in the hopes that it'd go away. That could've been a few years into the r'ship, or even into the marriage. And if like many marriages I have seen, when one partner ignores or refuses to work on things, because all of a sudden it's hard, what happens? usually one person leaves.

So..............although many of you would balk at my r'ship and how hard it has been, at least I know one thing.....with every bump, our path has become smoother. So no matter what happens in the future, I KNOW we can get past things, because we both are willing to put the work into the marriage....if needed (dislcaimer, there are things we can't change, and at times you have to accept or reject. i know that, but this is for things that need fixing).

Sometimes, when a r'ship is too easy, it's cuz ppl are ignoring things. Sometimes they are just compatible. Sometimes the best r'ships are the ones where ppl have worked to fix thigns early on. Sometimes ppl dont' realize they are forcing it. Soemtimes you haev past issues that creep in and destroy.

Therefore. what am I saying? EACH and EVERY r'ship is different. As of now, I can't say my bf is the right guy for me, due to how much we've had to work on it, and no, I couldn't live like this for the rest of my life, ALWAYS working THIS hard at it. Because, then, you are right, it's FORCING it. On the other hand, if it's too easy, I'd be wary, only cuz I'd need to see how he reacts in a crunch, because that's the TRUE person you see. I see a man in my dbf who wants this r'ship to work. And is willing to work on it. I saw a man in my xh who ran when we disagreed on how our marriage should be. Yet, everyone would've told you we were perfect together.

Circumstances is what dictates whether or not things will work. However, for dating purposes only, if you're forcing it, then it's wrong. And if it's due to personal issues, on either sides, then it's time to fix them WITHOUT a man in the picture. HAd I fixed all mine prior to meeting dbf, I could've saved us a lot of heartache in the beginning.

I am at the point in my r'ship where I am saying..........is this work good, or bad. Healthy, or forcing? Because....as you all stated. A r'ship shouldn't be THAT hard. But at what point is "that"? who knows. it's subjective.

i'm babbling. but i wanted to explain because i don't agree with a r'ship should be easy. however, i don't believe it should be work either. and i'd literally have to hear both sides to tell you if it'll work or not (IMHO).

be true to yourself, and hope your SO is too. And only THEN can you tell if it's "natural" or not.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:10am

I think I basically agree with you, but I guess it all depends on what your definition of easy is. I see my relationship with my fiance as easy, it doesn't mean we never have a disagreement. It just means we know how to workout disagreements without creating conflict or undo-strife in our relationship.

Heck, we had a disagreement just this last Sunday. The short version is we were out with another couple and none of us could decide what to do next and he started getting annoyed and then when we picked something he and the other guy didn't want to do (of course, neither one told us girls that) they pouted. I ended up calling him in it in front of our friends, because I was really annoyed.

That hurt his feelings and his pouting was not only annoying but embarassing to me.

So when we got home we talked a little about it and we both started getting really annoyed with each other, we went our separate ways for about an hour and then sat down and talked it out. The whole thing was resolved in about 2-3 hours at most and no one ever got ugly or yelled.

As far as I'm concerned that's easy. It was a disagreement, a brief period where both of us behaved uncharacteristically and acted inappropriately and we both apologized discussed the problem found the root casues and agreed to work on it together.

I wouldn't call that conflict or work, it's just how two mature adults who are ultimately highly compatible but human, resolve minor disagreements or hurt feelings. Just because you don't allow things to reach the point of a full blown conflict doesn't mean you ignore issues, and when you take things as they come and don't make mountains out of mole hills (or as you pointed out ignore them until they become mountains) you don't end up with many mountains to climb.

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