Is dating really this hard?
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:40pm |
Ok, this is a question about those relationships that really work. I know I have been told that relationships that are truly meant to be are not work. It is not were working on this and that because if you have to work on it in the beginning what makes it good later on. I mean once the relationships is established and you both have been together for a year or two you work to keep it together because of how things were and your getting that back. But, has a relationship ever been good for you that you had to work on in the first 3 mos? I mean you both work different schedules, live in different areas, etc.. things just do not fall into place that you can do normal dating or dating as you expect do they really work?
I am currently seeing a guy (yes those who know me I am dating again) he lives 4 hrs away. This is LD but doesn't feel that way. We talk just about daily, continue on with our normal lives. I promised to visit every other weekend but so far we have not had to work on anything. Everything is fine. I look back the relationships I had to work on in the beginning, be it distance, schedule, or whatever was not meant to be. Actually I put so much into making it work that I didn't see it was not suppose to work. That person was not (from my favorite poem) my Reason, Season, or Lifetime. There was no purpose of us being together except for I wanted it to work because the spark seemed to be there, or was it really a spark but me just wanting to date and be in a relationship.
Ok, I've babbled enough and this has brought on another question. So I will go post it but speak on this. Tell me your experience. How do you feel?



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Huh. Interesting.
What you just described, in your example, is what I'd see as "making the r'ship hard". Why? Because something like that should never have happened (in my eyes).
So, that makes me wonder. Maybe what I have is "easy" in most ppl's eyes....whereas, for me, it's "not" easy, and that's why everyone thinks I'm forcing the r'ship. hmm.....
I don't even know the last time dbf and I had an argument. I discuss thigns before it even becomes an argument. Huh. Would that mean our r'ship is easy, because we discuss things as they come up. we work on them, change them, etc.
Interesting what you see as "easy" is what I see as a "big problem". hmmmm.....I need to think about this.
~pineapple_girl
I just wanted to say thanks. I think you gusy just opened my eyes to something (with the help of Steffy).
I am realizing that instead of being happy about the way dbf and I handle our problems, I am concentrating on the problem itself.
We were talking about Nick and her df's pouting. All I could see is how the pouting would've been a big issue, whereas, for Nick and Steffy, it was more about how it got solved....which is the "easy" part.
huh. Eye opener.
~pineapple_girl
Yeah, the important part isn't AVOIDING a problem happening or avoiding EVER having your feelings hurt, things are GOING to happen, that's just life. People are in bad moods sometimes and say things they normally wouldn't or they pout. What really matters is how you handle those little things and that you don't let minor things escalate.
Having to have big talks about things that haven't even happened yet would DEFINITELY make things hard in my book. I'd feel like I was walking through a mine field everytime I spoke and that would be VERY hard work.
The critical thing to me in my relationship with Pete is that I know I will always be forgiven and we will always figure things out without getting nasty with each other. I mean we're only human after all mistakes will be made and feelings will get hurt the important things is that it's not hard to mend those little hurts as long as you don't let them fester into big ones.
Heck, sometimes Pete will say something and it gets on my nerves and I just ignore it because he's probably said the same thing to me ten other times nad it never bothered me. I know then the only reason it bugged me is becasue I'M in a bad mood and I should just let it go. If it still bothers me the next day THEN I'll say something and talk to him about it, when I know I'm not just being a grouch.
That's not pretending there isn't a problem that's just knowing myself well enough to recognize my own moods and not let MY bad mood turn a mole hill into a mountain. Pete does the same thing for me. That way we don't have petty scabbles over little nothings that just lead to tension that could have easily been avoided.
"Having to have big talks about things that haven't even happened yet would DEFINITELY make things hard in my book."
I guess what I meant was, to cover the BIG things PRIOR to them happeneing. Meaning, for me, my xh would pout a lot. I talked to him about that, we came up with a cue, so in public, I could let him know he's doing it, w/o embarrassing him or us, and he could suck it up, or change his facial expression at least. Because to me, pouting is a huge no-no in a r'ship. Deal breaker big. But that's me. So yes, I'd address that.
I guess, if you had a problem with a man who drank excessively when out with you at a bar, you'd probably talk to him about it, so he could learn when to stop, OR you'd drop him, right? Same thing. Being proactive about something that you know coudl potentially be a huge deal breaker. I'd rather give the person the option to fix/refrain prior to it happening. And I'd do it after it happened once. It's not really living like you're walking on eggshells or whatevers, but to me, it's giving the other person the CHOICE to change that action, or I can choose mine.
"he critical thing to me in my relationship with Pete is that I know I will always be forgiven and we will always figure things out without getting nasty with each other."
I was curious. You said you know you'll always be forgiven. But can you honestly say you'll always forgive Pete? I ask, only cuz I have a feeling I'd always be forgiven by my bf. However, I doubt I could always forgive him. And even though we don't get nasty, I get worked up (cuz i'm obviously high strung, lol), because I worry that I can't get past it. I know my limits. And right now, in my life, I wonder if I hit my limits of what I can handle. and if his "things" he does, had gone from "cute" to "dealbreaking".
~pineapple_girl
"Being proactive about something that you know coudl potentially be a huge deal breaker. I'd rather give the person the option to fix/refrain prior to it happening. And I'd do it after it happened once. It's not really living like you're walking on eggshells or whatevers, but to me, it's giving the other person the CHOICE to change that action, or I can choose mine"
See to me, if I have to be proactive or if there are things he needs to change before it could become a deal breaker, that IS a deal breaker.
If Pete continues to pout in public the rest of his life I can live with that (realistically it's a rarity anyway). If I thought I couldn't I wouldn't be with him, to me that would be having to work too hard and it would asking him to work too hard. Will it annoy me at times yes, but it's hardly a blip on the radar.
The only "big" things Pete and I talked about ahead of time were: having kids, religion, how to raise kids if we did have them, money issues, moving, risk tolerance, need for change, things like that.
If I have to address character traits or personality issues to avoid a deal breaker that IS a deal breaker.
And yes, I could forgive Pete anything, but that doens't mean I would stay with him. Say he developed a drug or alcohol problem or he had an affair. I'd leave. I love him and I'd forgive him for hurting me, but I'm not throwing my life away no matter how much I love anyone. Of course, I have better chance of winning lotto then of either of those things happening, but...
I know he's going to screw up. I know I'm going to screw up. I know there are going to be tough times. I also know we know ourselves and each other well enough to find a way to work through just about anything. We can talk to each other and figure out solutions that make both of us happy.
I don't have to pick apart things he does or go looking for trouble so I can perform a premptive strike so he doesn't bother me or hurt my feelings. That's making things hard work. We love each other and are compatible, that's what gives me the confidence to just let life happen and deal with it as it comes.
And another thing, I was kind of fuzzy about this earlier but if you're giving your guy a list of all the things he can and can't do for fear of offending you or hurting your feelings or developing a "deal breaker". It's not you that would be walking on eggshells it would be him. You're setting him and you up for failure. Because sooner or later he's going to do one of those things.
My Dad once wrote a poem to my Mom about his love being like an oak and having a deep tap root so it was secure and wouldn't be uprooted in a storm but also being flexible like a willow so it could bend and not break in a storm.
Funny thing about love if it's brittle and has a shallow fondation it'll tip over break at the first sign of trouble, real or percieved.
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