Deal Breakers ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Deal Breakers ...
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 1:21pm

Last night, I had a conversation with my boyfriend (we are both in our 30's. both divorced. He has kids, I don't) - and we were talking about people we have dated - and I said - How do you know when it isn't right and he said FOUR THINGS, that I found very interesting!!! He said

(1) If she is a partier and likes to stay out until 1 or 2 in the morning. If she is a "bar fly." Then he knows she isn't the right one.

(2) If she isn't a church-goer. If she isn't a Christian or Mormon or Catholic or ... someone who believes in God in someway - then he knows she isn't right.

(3) If she doesn't like to exercise or be active - skiing, kayaking, swimming - if she isn't into fitness, she isn't the right one. and

(4) If she doesn't like to cook - or at least enjoy cooking at home - and show some INTEREST in cooking!

I think I am good on ALL of these - I'm really pretty domestic, I'm a serious girl, currently a student, definitely NOT a partier - but I'm not a very good COOK! HA! Although I *do* make an effort, and I *am* interested!!! So I think I'm good on all 4 counts. I actually LIKE that he is so traditional. I ESPECIALLY like that he isn't a Partier. Because my Ex-husband NEVER grew out of that - and in fact - is basically a full-blown alcoholic at this point. He LIVES to party - and he is 35 years OLD!!! It's like ... grow up MAN! My new boyfriend has kids - and I think it's really wonderful because the world doesn't revolve around HIM - he makes big sacrifices for his kids. I like his level of maturity. He's an honest man and a good father.

It just makes me think about MY deal-breakers. I think mine are basically the same as his! My ex-husband was TERRIBLE with money - so I think that would be a deal-breaker too for me - someone who can't manage money. Of course, my new guy takes it a little too far to the OTHER extreme - he's a bit TOO stingy, in my opinion - but I do believe I'd rather have THAT to deal with, than a party-guy who blows all his money on gadgets and on gambling.

I have more to write - but I need to run-off! He and I have been together for OVER 6 months now, and I really think something BIG happens at 6 months, you know. A shift. I have more to write on that - but I'll check in later!

What are YOUR deal-breakers???


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 3:23pm

Hi costume_designer, I like your list of deal breakers, and I think it's good to know up front what those are in a relationship. My husband and I have similar deal breakers to each other, too - cheating


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 3:24pm

Interesting! I think it's great that your boyfriend has learned exactly what he's looking for in a long-term partner. That comes with experience (good and bad) and it must feel good to know exactly why you work for him.

My "must-haves":
-No substance addictions
-No significant baggage (children by another woman, emotional contact with exes)
-Likes animals/pets
-Values his family
-Flexible on religious beliefs

I'm kind of wondering about your boyfriend's NEED to find a woman with an interest in cooking; is that because cooking is a hobby of his he wants to share, or because he wants to be cooked for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 8:40pm
YES with the cooking!!! I know it comes across as though he wants me to cook for him! But actually he is an EXCELLENT cook - he has been through several culinary classes, but he is not a professional cook. However, it is a BIG hobby of his - so I think he is looking for someone to share his love and enjoyment of cooking :-) Which is good, because I am "interested" in cooking - I'm just not particularly good at it!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 9:18pm
That's cool!! There are so many little quirks with cooking that you just need some experience under your belt... I had a boyfriend once who put pasta in the water before it boiled. Some people start out REALLY slow LOL Hopefully your guy is a good teacher :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Tue, 01-12-2010 - 8:06am

'..What are YOUR deal-breakers???'

Uh-oh. Please don't be mad but the entire description of your bf is my one big fat dealbreaker. I woudn't last

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Wed, 01-13-2010 - 5:08pm

Good question.

1) Infidelity. One strike and you're out.
2) Abuse. One strike and you're out.
3) Strongly religious. I'm an agnostic, and would not care to share my life with a very religious person.
4) General incompatibility (items are too numerous to mention)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 12:42am

I reevaluated my post because I had to redefine "deal breakers." I was thinking all inclusive, but if we worked it "things you see upfront or early on which lead to not even dating or discontinue dating" they would be:

- substance user (smokes casually, can't drink responsibly, etc.)
- any type of unhealthy addictions (I say unhealthy because my BF is a self-proclaimed ski addict, but he holds a nice job and makes time with me, so it's not unhealthy to me LOL)
- negative
- makes unhealthy lifestyle choices
- dealing with depression
- does unkind things to people or animals
- doesn't know how to take care of himself (can't cook, can't afford to live alone, can't support himself, can't do his own laundry)
- must like my dog and the idea of dogs living indoors (Once a guy picked me up for a date and tried very hard to not let my dog "touch" him, nor did he even try to interact with her upon first meeting. That's all I needed to see.)
- must appreciate volunteering
- cheating of any sorts (on past lovers, taxes, at work, etc)
- cannot be very religious or go to church (yes that is a deal breaker)
- must enjoy outdoor recreational sports (having some overlap with my hobbies would be desired)

Probably not complete.

Edited 1/15/2010 9:50 am ET by sienna76
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 8:14am

They'd definitely be deal-breakers for him and not just "highly desirable" if he would break up with a woman (or not date her) if she didn't have these characteristics.

Sure there are other things that would negate all of these traits, but "deal breakers" aren't a consolidated summation of the person you want, they're just things that if you see, you dump them on the spot with no questions asked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 2:41pm
no I am not mad :-) maybe because of my previous experience with an alcoholic, I am quite gun-shy of the partier type. I really have gone quite far to the opposite extreme, because BELIEVE ME - I have definitely done my share of PARTY TIME. HA! But it's just not what I want now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:13am

I am slightly more on the liberal side and my boyfriend is more conservative. I wonder if this is something we can navigate? Or if it will cause problems in the long run.

He seems to have less compassion for issues like immigration - and he isn't as anti-war as I am. He doesn't share my point of view at all on those issues. We don't argue about it - sometimes we joke and make digs - but mostly we avoid the topic.

Sometimes he'll make statements that I think are insensitive - but I sort of think ALL MEN are that way, you know? Men just think totally different, and I'm a huge bleeding heart and also - rather naive, I must admit.

I say this because I was in an alcoholic relationship with my ex-husband and looking back, I see where I was naive in so many ways. So I think I NEED someone who is a bit more cynical towards the world - not so trusting, because I think all of my trusting and happy bubble world gets me in trouble.

I'm like an adult pollyanna. I'm a very happy person, but some people really take advantage of that. My ex was a bully, a cop and a paranoid, mean person. Not to mention an alcoholic.

I don't want to go on THAT rollercoaster ride ever again - so I'm just trying to see my boyfriend for who he is and not gloss over the little things. How important is it that we share the same politics?