Dealing with my fears and insecurities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Dealing with my fears and insecurities.
19
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:50pm

I posted the other day about my gfriend being distant. We have been dating 3 months.I have been rethinking this because I started thinking about myself, other relationships and how my gfriend is acting and may be reacting to my own insecurities.

First of all let me highlight how we acted before:
** we would e-mail 6-7 times a day.
** we would talk 3-4 hours on the phone.
** we would see each other about 4 days straight.

She has said she feels like she kind of got lost in everything and is now pulling back to do more things independent of me. We are hanging out seperately until the weekend this week.

So her actions are still:
** 2-3 short e-mails during the day to say hi.
** phones me for about 1 hour each evening at the end of the day to say goodnight. Stays on phone until she goes to sleep because she likes having me "there".

Because her affection is a little "less intense" than it was a month ago I began to interpret that she might not be as interested in me. But she even says that she doesn't want us to skip the "dating" phase where we are still learning about each other and exist as separate people. Still given how intense it was and how she came on so strong in the first couple of months I feel afraid and almost feel like I need reassurance. When I think of how she is actually acting and how I am interpreting those actions I know I need to get myself under control. I know I need to feel as if everything is okay and she is leaving. On a rational level I do. I just feel scared and fear sometimes. This has happened in other relationships as well. Often when I have broken up the women would tell me that my biggest weakness is my lack of assertiveness and my insecurity.

I don't want this current relationship to mess up and I am not planning on leaving her. I also think that she doesn't like my insecurity but she has said enough things like "you need to assert yourself" that she is giving me a chance both for us and for me.

If anybody has any thoughts or advice I would love to hear them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:01pm

As time goes by, relationships change. My relationship now is NOTHING like it used to be. My bf & I would talk on the phone for hours every night and the emails I would get from him used to have more than one or two words in them :)

Now, I'm lucky if I get 10 minutes on the phone and all emails to me are very brief. Does this mean he's no longer interested? Nope. It just means our relationship has evolved. It's changed. We used to have sex every time we saw each other...not so much any more.

On top of all of that....we're more in love and committed to each other than ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:37pm

As long as your realize that a lot of this is coming from your own insecurity, then you have the ammunition you need to overcome it.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:39pm

Thanks so much for the reply.

So was the change in your relationship gradual or was it sudden.

I wonder the extent which my fears arise out of thinking that any kind of change means the person likes me less. Like I said, on a rational level this doesn't make sense.

I always come off as really intense at the beginning where each of us just solely focuses on the other and then when that changes I become afraid for a while. Eventually I begin to feel secure again but I need strategies for getting control of myself, not being accusatory to the other person by saying their affection isn't strong enough, or just driving them away with my fears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:51pm

>>Have you thought that perhaps, she has found herself being TOO GIVING in previous relationships and allowed herself to become consumed with someone new and that's a pattern she's trying to break now, because it hadn't worked for her in the past??? Something tells me she might have been aware of that at some point. OR ~ he wish to lessen the contact a little bit may be in effort to get you to be the pursuer more???

>>You said she phones you? Do you call her also? Do you intiate the emails or does she? Are these the ways in which you need to assert yourself?? I'm not sure I'm reading where you aren't being assertive...

We both initiate phone calls and e-mails. Lately though because she seems to want some space to do her own thing I have been letting her phone me at night although if it starts to get late I phone her.
I always e-mail her in the morning.

The parts where she thinks I am not asserting myself are usually around my own desires and wants when we are doing things. She thinks I just agree or don't stand up for myself if she feels she is treating me disrespectfully. I never interpret anything she does as disrespectful but she sometimes does and it bothers her. She starts to feel guilt and I think wants me to just be more assertive.

Another area I have to develop is just being more confient and assertive sexually. She isn't and if I sense any little bit of hesitation from her I back right off. She has told me I need to be a bit more assertive there because she is very withdrawn when it comes to sexual stuff.

She has told me that she has lost herself in relationships before and is wanting to change that now. She wants to maintain a sense of autonomy and have it so every step of our relationship is done in a way where we aren't just drifing along but making choices and doing what we want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 3:52pm

Everyone gets insecure in relationship....that's mostly because we arent mind readers. We don't know what the other person is thinking and feeling. It's 100% trust....and that can be hard to do! The beginning of most relationships are pretty intense. YOu want to spend all the time you can with that person, and then you relax a little and be your own person again.

Getting over insecurities is very hard. You have to have faith in yourself and have faith in the person you've chosen to be in a relationship with.

I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and I still get a little insecure. It happens and it might always happen. But you have to belive that you are worthy of a relationship and realize that they aren't all going to work out...and that's not your fault. I think my X is a totally looser, but there are women out there who like him....I have no clue as to WHY, but hey they are there. My bf's wife left him...and I can't understand why because he's such an amazing man. My point to that is that there are people out there who will apreciate you. You sometimes have to go through a lot of heartache to find them, but you can't let you self esteme suffer because of other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:40pm

Here is an example of insecurity and how my gfriend has done nothing wromg but I begin to feel scared. Small.

She e-mailed me this afternoon and indicated she was going to be busy for a while this evening so in case I phoned she might not be home until later. I replied and signed off for her to just say bye when she left work via e-mail if she had a chance. A half-hour after her work there was no e-mail and I was starting to feel anxious. She actually phoned and said that she would rather say hi on the phone, wished me a good evening, said she missed me and said we will spend some good time together this weekend.

What I am trying to analyze is why I felt so anxious when she didn't email and how I can get those feelings under control. The phone call shows she cares and is thinking of me but even if she didn't call and we talked later I should have no reason to feel insecure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:57pm

I'm wondering out loud here..........


Is she assertive herself? Does she prefer assertive ppl in her life? Do you think you can become more assertive? Or do you honestly just feel that's the way you are and probably can't change that?


I ask, because i am assertive in my r'ships. I need an assertive man to make waves and ride them out with me. I am with a man who hides when conflict arises, and whom tries to avoid it at all costs. He can't even be assertive enough to tell me he has to get off the phone. He's worked on it, and basically said to me the other day, "I think this is it, I can't be anymore assertive". Funny, he's a salesman, you THINK he'd be very assertive, borderline aggressive. Maybe that's why he's good, cuz he's not assertive. lol. So, now, I have to sit here and ask myself.......is it enough?


Insecurity. The things you listed that you guys do, that is the NUMBER ONE REASON I am NEVER getting into a r'ship like that EVER again. I'm like you. If that's not kept up at a reasonable pace, I start to get insecure, and basically push the person away. So, that's a learning lesson for yourself. Don't rush into things, don't go into hi-speed warp, cuz when you come back down to normal speed, you become more and more insecure.....just in case there's a next time.


Also, I'm sure it's not helping that she's "backing off" cuz she doesn't want to lose herself....again. So she's emotionally distancing herself from you.


Here's what helped me to adjust, and overcome the feeling of insecurity. I hope maybe it can help you.


1. realize BOTH of you are working on VERY conflicting issues of your own personalities, and therefore, the road will be full of bumps right now, but with every bump overcome, the road becomes more smooth.


2. Not sure if you're into this.........but for me. blogging helps me. basically I blog (journal) what I feel at the moment. IT's something she NEVEr has to see. Even if it's just me telling myself, "he does like me, he's just busy" or "I know he's had a REALLY rough day and he's not calling because he's probably sleeping". etc. I know it's almost like makig up excuses for them, but instead of concentrating on "she doenst love me" you cuold say, "she's tryign to find balance, as I am........and therefore, she's having a hard time NOT calling me, but isn't to prove to herself that she doesn't HAVE TO call me". It's called cognitive therapy. basically, it's talking to yourself.


3. everytime you feel insecure, rationalize, and remind yourself why you have to DEAL with it....cuz it's you getting past the insecurity.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 6:46pm

My friend has this same sort of problem. Her T said, "you bring life to what you think about". Meaning, if you think about things too much, it's REAL to you, when in fact it isn't.


Let me ask you, when you felt anxious, what were you feeling anxious about? that she was cheating? that she was hurt and something happened to her? Do you trust her? Do you worry she's mad at you? Do you worry she's changed her mind?


Also, is this anxiety with her? or with ppl in general? like if a friend didn't call back that day, would you start to wonder what the heck is going on?





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 10:32pm

>>Let me ask you, when you felt anxious, what were you feeling anxious about? that she was cheating? that she was hurt and something happened to her? Do you trust her? Do you worry she's mad at you? Do you worry she's changed her mind?

>>Also, is this anxiety with her? or with ppl in general? like if a friend didn't call back that day, would you start to wonder what the heck is going on?

Cherbear: Thank you for all your thoughts and advice so far. They are extremely helpful and allowing me to think about a lot. I liked the strategies you wrote for dealing with my anxiety. Relationships can sometimes be quite anxiety producing for me in the beginning.

With this current relationship I worry that she has lost interest, changed her mind and maybe isn't as attracted to me as before. Of course I recognize that my insecurity doesn't make me more attractive and can actually diminish attraction which is why I want to deal with it. I totally trust her. She always tells me what she is doing, when she will be home and devotes her weekends to me and phones me every night. The "retreat" emotionally is playing into my fear that she has lost interest? When she opts to do things with all her friends during the week I think, well back when she was "really" interested she couldn't wait to talk to me or see me and she would express that all the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:27am

Here's my thoughts....


I think you two can work this out, with a LOT of hard work, because it's basically two ppl learning to redo themselves, WHILE in a r'ship, which is the hardest to do.


However, I don't know if you're willing to deal with that. I have been with my dbf for 2.5 years and we are doig exactly that. We're learning to redo ourselves, while in a r'ship. It's been a LONG and hard road. So far, it's been well worth it, but we also have a long road ahead of us still. Probably for at least another half year to a year.


So, that's all I'm saying, that's what you'll be looking forward to. a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of love lost, and lot of confusion, although, in the end, it could be well worth it. I guess my question is......is she worth the struggle?


I know this is hard for you, and it's good that you recognize that even though you're anxious, you shouldn't be. That's the first step. Fake it till you make it real. Mine took me about 1.5 to 2 years to overcome my insecurities and anxiety. It will take time. So, relax, know that it will take time, and TALK to her about it. TELL her to help you, and you will help her. Tha'ts what dbf and I do. We help each other to become better ppl.....for ourselves and our r'ship.






my pet!

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