dealing with my own insecurities

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
dealing with my own insecurities
2
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:39pm

I've been away from these boards for some time, because for the last couple months, I've been embarking on a new relationship with a great guy. I've been very happy so didn't have much to post to get advice about, but recently something happened that is bothering me. He's met several of my friends and they all think he's great. I had been nervous about meeting his friends because I want to make a good impression, but he'd mentioned several times that he wanted me to meet a good friend of his, someone whom he talks about a lot and who clearly is an important person in his life. I was a little hesitant, because she was so eager to meet me and I didn't want to feel like I was under a microscope, but I agreed since he's met my friends and this seemed important to him. We met the friend for dinner and it was fine, though I was a little nervous and quieter than usual, but I was glad to have met her and gotten that meeting out of the way. I talked to my boyfriend yesterday and he said she had nothing negative to say, but she had one piece of professional advice for me: to smile more and frown less. Professionally I've been struggling lately to secure a permanent job and I guess it was her way of being helpful, but this really upset me and I don't know if I'm overreacting. I've been having an especially difficult past couple of months rebuilding my confidence after my last relationship and with a number of professional setbacks, so this "advice" came when I was feeling vulnerable, and it was relayed to me by my boyfriend, to boot. He and his friend are in a similar field as I am (though they are much more advanced), so it wasn't completely out of line to give me advice, but it also wasn't solicited. It upset me mostly because I know he values this friend's advice and was probably asking for her impression to further shape his perception of me. I didn't let on during the conversation that this upset me or made me feel very insecure, but it is still bothering me.

I'm a sensitive person by nature and I can take criticism, but in its proper context. I just don't know how to deal with this. Does this all sound like a reasonable exchange and I should just let it go? I understand where it's all coming from, but I feel like, geez this woman doesn't know me, she doesn't know if I was having a bad day that day, and she decided to give me advice based on one dinner?

I feel like this could potentially put a damper on what's been good communication so far in the relationship. I'm tempted to just keep it to myself, but then I'll stew over it and possibly resent him. But I also feel like I might be overreacting because I already feel extra sensitive about how I am presenting myself (due to this new relationship and my professional setbacks).

I guess I just need a reality check and see if I'm blowing this out of proportion, or if this is something I should bring up with him the next time I talk to him. Today is really the first day I'm not feeling happy and cheerful about this relationship, all because of the "advice" from his friend. :(

Thanks.

SBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 4:31pm

<< I talked to my boyfriend yesterday and he said she had nothing negative to say, but she had one piece of professional advice for me: to smile more and frown less. >>

Professionally or personally, smiling more isn't bad advice. Though I can understand that it wasn't solicited advice, undoubtedly, he's going to ask for her opinion. And that's all it is, an opinion. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have shared her opinion with you. He would have kept it to himself. However, seems that it was important to HIM to share her impression. You can take it with a grain of salt, or you can take it critically. All things considered, "smile more" isn't that big of a criticism, kwim? In that regard, yes ... i would say that you might taking it a *little* too hard.

Should her opinion matter to you? Only if you want it to. Since you're upset about this, it does seem that it matters to you. No?

If you felt like this meeting with his friend was more of an "audition" or an interview for her approval, talk to him about it. That you felt on the spot and you weren't quite feeling yourself. That is, if that's how you felt about it.

Otherwise, I'd say ... let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 3:53am

There is also the thought that your boyfriend has misrepresented her.

He could have asked her advice and she's said "well, she's nice but could smile more and frown less". And your boyfriend may have taken it upon himself to relay this advice to you.

I find it's a good habit to not take something at face value unless you hear it first-hand

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