Desperately in Need of Definition

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Desperately in Need of Definition
10
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:06pm
Ok here's the situation. I'm a 26f, never been married, no kids. I've been going out with this guy for almost nine months. He's a 34 year old divorcee with 1 son. Things with him have been great. We have great chemistry, common interests and share similar goals and visions for our lifes. However, lately there have been a lot of things that have been giving me anxiety about the relationship, but I've realized all these things point back to the fact that there is no definition of our relationship or what exactly is going on. Are we boyfriend/girlfriend, are we dating or what? I have no clue. I've previously had this discussion with him twice. The first time was about 3 months after we started going out and the second time was about 6 months after we had started going out. His response both times were extremely vague, with him saying.......well I think we're just getting to know each other and feeling each other out. I was fine with that then, and I basically told myself to just relax and let things flow and see what happens. But now after nine months, my feelings have grown and I'm ready to go to a deeper level and his previous reasons wont satisfy me anymore. I need some definition. However, another thing I'm taking into account is something he said a few weeks ago. He said he knows he can be vague and isn't always very open, but he asked me to bear with him because he hasn't been with anyone seriously since his divorce (5 years ago)and he's having to adjust from being shutdown for so long. Also, a couple of weeks ago we were talking about exchanging Christmas gifts and he made the statement...."well the last time I was in a serious relationship we would buy each other two gifts, one item that was needed and practical and one that was frivolous, so we should do that." My point being, is that he has made a couple of references to us being in a serious relationship, but no formal discussions have taken place. So does everyone agree with me that the time for another discussion should take place? Also, is the excuse of being shutdown for 5 years legitimate? (also I think it might be important to mention that he was only married for 1 year) If I get another vague response from him, what should I do? And what exactly should I say to him during this discussion? Or am I just being completely unreasonable? I know this is a lot of questions. Thanks in advance for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:20pm
Nine months is way too long for someone to be in a relationship where you can't define the type of relationship you are in. I say have one last talk with him if he continues to be vague with you I say leave him and find someone else who is not going to string you along. He might not see you long term which is why he doesn't want to give you a definite answer.
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:30pm
I may not be the one you want to hear from on this because I am not big on titles. I do not care if he has actually said it or it will be me more so that will keep things open but just go with whats going on in the relationship. Like I told my current guy "I'm spending time with you, aren't I?" so to me that was good enough answer to if we were a couple or not. I then explained to him the amount of time and money spent. Heck some things you only do if your dating and to me knowing I am with you everynight or talking to you should be enough to know I am not out with anyone else so apparently we must be a couple or something. But, that is just me and wanted you to see not all times is a title needed but if you must get one then explain to him that it is something important to you. Good luck.

Marie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:44pm

I agree 100% with the poster who said 9 months is too long to be in a relationship and not be able to TALK to him openly about things like this!!!

Why didn't you just ASK him when the subject of the Christmas gifts came up?

It doesn't matter "exactly" what you say...a man who is right for you will be FINE with however you choose to talk about it, even if you're not Ms. Eloquence. But you could certainly use a reference to the conversation about the Christmas gifts as a starting point.

I'm a little skeptical about the "shut down" excuse...but see what he says this time around.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 4:17pm
Thanks for the two interested and very different opinions. However, Marie you bring up an interesting point. A lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that we dont spend as much time together as we like. He's a full time musician and I'm corporate america. So typical date times when I'm available (nights & weekends) are his prime times for working. We have to be creative, (i.e breakfast and lunch dates,I often go to hear him play)but that's fine, I can handle that. I use to be a working musician myself so I understand and respect the lifestyle. But the lack of quality time together does cause some of my anxiety. I feel like I need the definition to appease some of my worries about not being able to see him as often as I would like and get a better understanding
of where he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 6:53pm

"Feeling e/o out" to me means having sex without commitment. Exclusive dating has to be stated as my guy had clearly expressed to me after a few weeks/months of dating that he didn't want either of us dating other people. There has to be open communication in a relationship. Men usually don't talk in codes. I would simply ask Mr Musician if he's seeing other women and if you both are bf and gf. We women have to learn to be direct with men instead of talking in circles and reading between the lines.

Now, if he's still being vague about your relationship I would like to point out to you that his work schedule could actually be to your advantage. You have those weekends to get your social calendar busy. *wink*

When the "DOG" is out the cat plays, meow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 7:51pm

How can you really know if you share common goals and visions if he won't discuss whether or not you have a relationship? That at least was something I always talked about extremely early after meeting someone, at least some general conversation about their relationship goals, if they were looking to get married, or only wanted something casual, etc.

Him saying that you're just getting to know each other doesn't mean much. Have you even talked about being exclusive and not dating other people? Do you even know for sure that he's not seeing anyone else, or if he's open to it if he met someone else he liked?

I'd want to know for sure that a relationship was exclusive at least a couple months into it, and whether or not there was any possibility for it to lead to a more permanent commitment at least by six months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 8:52pm

Oh dear, hate to say it, but if you've been together for nine months and the r'ship still isn't "defined" ... doesn't bode well. I stayed in one of those r'ships for FOUR years ... and in my experience, if the guy loves you and wants to be with you, then HE will want commitment and definition in the r'ship also.

And worse yet, you've expressed your desire for definition, and he offers vague excuses. The real bad news is that he is not respecting your desires. And, bottom line, you are making him happy by remaining in this 'undefined' relationship, but he is not taking steps to make you happy by answering your concerns.

I respect that you have many things in common and enjoy your time together ... but is that enough for you? Please be cognizant of your needs and desires as they are valuable, and beware of anyone who is not willing to love you as you want to be loved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 9:25am
Thanks for the advice. Everyone seems to be on the same accord that nine months is just way too long. Deep down I knew that but the confirmation helped a lot. Well I ended up having the discussion with him last night, and I really wasn't that thrilled with his response. He said that he had been thinking about the same things like where we stand and plans for the future and then he started talking about how right now he has a lot of things going on his life (dealing with an ill parent, trying to get his music career established, and financial hardships) and he's having difficulty trying to juggle everything. So my response to him was: are you trying to say that you don't know if you have time for a relationship right now? His response: "kind of." So then I asked him how are your feelings, where is your heart. His response: "oh I'm just crazy about you, I think you're the greatest, you're perfect." What kind of sense does that make. I understand being busy and trying to juggle things, but if you find someone who you're crazy about and you think is "perfect" don't you make that extra effort. I know I'm going to have to have a part 2 to this conversation, but now I'm super confused. Does his response make sense to anyone or his he just feeding me pipe dreams?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 11:19am
Break up with him! It won't be easy to let go of him but you need to stop wasting your time and that is exactly what you are doing. You have wasted 9 months out of your life and you are in the same place relationshipwise that you were the first day you started going out with him (which is without an exclusive relationship) He is stringing you along to get sex out of you whenever the urge arises from him. Let him loose and find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 5:53pm

<< I know I'm going to have to have a part 2 to this conversation, but now I'm super confused. Does his response make sense to anyone or his he just feeding me pipe dreams?>.

Certainly, you could have part 2 to this conversation ... or, you could cut to the chase and cut him loose. That's what I did. I knew how "wonderful" he thought I was, etc ... so, what's the problem, right? Well, if you're not on the same page ... let him go. If he REALLY thinks you're "perfect" for him and doesn't want to lose you ... he'll respond to your absence and make the effort to make whatever changes necessary to NOT lose you.
Three months later, my guy and I got back together. Nothing was wrong with US when we broke up, it just wasn't where I wanted it to be and there were some changes he needed to make for us to move forward. So, I stood firm in my needs.

Thing is, if he believes you're worth it, and if he thinks he deserves you, he'll do what it takes. If not, you haven't lost ANYTHING ... he has.

Good luck!!!