Did I make a mistake?
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Did I make a mistake?
| Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:22am |
My boyfriend and I have been on-again, off-again for one-and-a-half years now. Whenever we argue and ultimately "take a break" I'm always the one that suggests the break. No matter how bad things are, he never suggests it. He always says, "We can work it out," yet never does anything to work anything out. I've been telling him I want to see a counselor and he just says yes but never wants to actually look for someone to see. I've suggested several therapists to him but he always has an excuse not to go. He's not against therapy because he's been seeing a psychologist himself for about four years (long before he met me). I was supposed to start going with him but his doctor made the appt. earlier and it's impossible for me to get there at that time. Anyway, two days ago, we had a fight and I told my bf that I hate him, to never call me again, and that we're over. He said, "OK." And then I hung up on him. I felt fine at first. I knew things haven't been right and thought if I'd been wanting to do this so long, it must be the right choice. However, the next day I found out that I didn't get this job I'd interviewed for and I started to regret using the words "never call again" and I was just missing him in general. Figures that men never listen til they want to call your bluff. We went all day yesterday without talking. I tried to call him a few times but I kept getting voice mail. I left him a voice mail on my third call and never heard back from him. I am still angry at him and I feel I had a right to be. What he did to me was wrong. But am I now lowering myself or acting pathetic by calling him? It's like he'll never forgive me. I don't know what to do. I have another dilemma. He took my computer last week to run some updates on it (he thought it would be easier to do it from his house for some reason) and now that we're not talking, I don't know how to get it back. I thought about just riding over to his house before he gets home from work and asking his mom if I could go get it from his room but I'm afraid she'll know that we "broke up" and won't let me in. His mom is also part of the problem. I really can't stand her and even though I'd never tell him that in a thousand years, I think sometimes it might be evident that I don't want to be around her. I hate to think that she would ruin any chance of a love life he might have but I can't imagine any other woman being nicer to her than I am. She is really hard to deal with and I think I've handled her like a champ.

No.
I think you should let by-gones be by-gones and move on with your life. You don't get along too well with him and you certainly don't get along very well with his mother. Even though you say you can't imagine there would be any other women out there who would be nicer to his mom than you, oh you'd be surprised!
Lastly, I think you should do all you can to *hold your tongue* instead of saying things in anger that you can't take back. While it's certainly true that you can apologize and even be forgiven, you cannot erase the *memory* of painful words spoken to one whom you profess to love and care about.
Just my two pesos....
Heymum
I don't know about the "being nicer to his mom" part. I sit and talk with her, I watch TV with her, I bring her ice cream, send her cards at the holidays, etc. She is completely unappreciative of everything her son (my bf) does for her. She lives with him because she doesn't work and has no money and she just breaks stuff and has an "oh-well" attitude about it. They are forever arguing and I stay out of it as much as possible. She is a huge burden to him and to our relationship and I really can't imagine any other woman putting up with her/them.
And I am just beside myself now. My bf has never done this before (gone this long without calling after an argument). I'm so afraid I've lost him forever, but a little part of me is thinking maybe this is the way things have been headed and I just have to be OK with this.
M,
I wasn't telling you that you had to be nicer to his mom, simply that there are a lot of desperate women out there who'd be willing to go even beyond the point you've gone to "win her over" (i.e., give her money, buy her groceries and/or other expensive things, pay her bills, etc.). So where you drawn the line, there's always someone who'll go beyond that line.
Beyond that, since you don't really seem to care for his mom as a person, I'd think that having her as a future MIL would be distasteful or even reprehensible to you. Over time, I imagine you'd eventually grow weary of having to continue to "do nice things" for her, esp. in light of how you say she is as a person.
Why push so hard to be a part of something that has been so chaotic or problematic? It seems to me he's moved on and is respecting your wishes since you said it was over.
Take care,
Heymum
So let me get this straight. You on more than one occassion have dumped him? This is a bad habit and a bad pattern you have developed here.
"My bf has never done this before (gone this long without calling after an argument)." An argument is an exchange of angry words, you broke up with him. There is a difference. He is just giving you what you said you wanted.
"I'm so afraid I've lost him forever, but a little part of me is thinking maybe this is the way things have been headed and I just have to be OK with this."
Well, not to be mean, but if someone kept dumping me, and then coming back, and then dumping me, and then coming back, I would eventually get sick of it and move on. Next time if you don't want him out of your life, then don't say it in the first place. I realize people do things out of anger, but by stopping for a moment and controlling your emotions, you could have averted this.
Edited 10/15/2005 10:05 am ET by skyee2005