Discussing the future
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| Fri, 04-24-2009 - 1:29am |
Hi all,
Just looking for some unbiased opinions. Here's the background: my bf and I have been together for a year and a half. I'm 29 and he's 37. We're both professionally employed and live alone. We typically spend the weekend together and see each other one evening per week. We talk on the phone a couple of times each day that we're not together.
Here's my problem: neither of us talks about our relationship. It's been established that we're exclusive, and we regularly make plans for vacations a few months in advance...but we've never discussed any possibility of moving in together, marriage, or kids. We've both communicated that's what we both want in life, but we've never said anything about those plans with regards to the two of us. I don't want to come across as the needy gf who always wants to talk about where things are going, so I've been waiting for him to bring it up.
Recently my bf has started to look for new couches. His definitely need to be replaced. I know he likes my couches, because he's told me several times. Maybe it's silly of me, but him wanting to buy new couches would seem to indicate that he sees no future to our relationship. Wouldn't he hold off on the couches if he hoped we'd move in together sometime relatively soon? Am I just over-reacting? How do I bring up the conversation?
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"Maybe it's silly of me, but him wanting to buy new couches would seem to indicate that he sees no future to our relationship. "
It really is one of the silliest things I've ever heard a woman make up. I'm sorry. I don't think it indicates anything except that he wants a new couch. If you want to bring up your concerns, don't make the discussion about COUCHES. I hope you realize how incredibly ridiculous that is.
If you wait for a man to initiate a "where is this going" conversation you will probably be waiting forever. Is it important to you to talk in terms of making plans for the future, moving in together, and sharing your relationship more closely? Then tell him you really like where things are going and ask if he thinks it's okay to move in together before getting married. See how the discussion goes from there.
My honest opinion is that if you haven't even discussed your goals and future with respect to one another, and you're afraid of how you'll look if you bring up something important to you, then you are definitely not ready to consider moving in together yet...
I don't think you are over-reacting on this. I don't know if your BF has been married previously or not. If he has, that may explain some things. Maybe he had a bad marriage or something. But if hasn't talked about the future by now, then yeah I can understand why you are concerned. I'm the same age, and I can totally relate. It seems like the relationship is ok at this point, you just wanna know where he stand on the future.
My advice is this, I would straight up ask him. The one thing you don't wanna do is keep wasting your time with someone that doesn't wanna be with you, and see a long term relationship or marriage. You can ask him "hey we have been together for a while, and what are your thoughts about us moving in together" ...or something like that. You basically wanna find out if he's willing or at the point to take the next step with you. Not like getting married right away, but just to take that commitment to the next level and see if living together works, and maybe have a marriage down the road.
When you have the talk with him, give yourself a timeframe. If he likes the idea of moving in, then give him 6 months to make it happen. Remember that he needs to be willing to do this as well, it can't be all you. If he doesn't want to have that talk then you could say, "hey I love you and I think about a future with you, but I wanna know if you are on the same page as me, since we don't talk about our future...or possible future". Tell him what you want, but don't force it on him either. Either way things go down, give it 6 months. This will tell him that you are serious about him, and have enough guts to walk away from him if he's not on the same page. If the 6 months come around, and he hasn't stepped up, and you wanna end it with him, give him a fair warning. Say we talked about this, and things haven't happened. And if he's not down with it then it's his loss.
I understand fully that females need to have some sort of direction in a relationship, especially as you get older. But you need to stick to your values. Maybe he's been a little too comfortable, or maybe he's not ready, or maybe he's thought about it, but doesn't know how to bring it up. It's really hard to say.
First of all, do you know what you want? Do you know if he's a right match for you?
If you aren't really sure, you can read some really great books out there like "Is He Mr. Right?" and "Are You the One for Me?" They are great books.
Secondly, if you think he's the right guy for you, then after 1.5 years, you definitely have a right to ask him specifically about you guys and where you're going. In fact, if you want to get married someday then you probably need to bring this up soon so you don't keep going in the wrong direction. If you find out that he doesn't see any future with you, then let it go and move on. Don't waste another day with this guy, as it's one less day you have to find the right guy.
And if he's not sure at this point, and I think he should know after 1.5 years if he wants a life with you, then you may consider asking again in a few months to see if he's evolved. If he's still unsure, it may be a good idea to move on.
If you don't think he's the right one for you, then by all means - end it with the guy! What are you waiting for?
After 9 months, my BF and I did have the "future talk" and to my delight he can very much see himself with me or he wouldn't have gotten this far along into the relationship. HE was the one making all the comments about growing old together and being a family and moving in, so I had to ask him straight up what he thought.
After 1.5 years and no talk about this stuff makes me think he's not that into you or he may not want the same things as you.
Edited 4/25/2009 2:44 pm ET by sienna76
What I really think is....he spent his "whole" adult life with another woman...and I don't know how long of a "break" he took between relationships...but it probably wasn't long enough to heal from his first relationship....EVEN if he despised the woman....time is still needed to heal.....I KNOW this because I left my X 3.5 years ago...and I DESPISED him...I was with him for 20 years....I got right into a relationship with my current b/f....and looking back....I SHOULD HAVE taken the time to HEAL from my last relationship.....it wasn't really fair to my new b/f.....and most importantly...it wasn't really fair to myself.
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Thanks for the replies. The bf and I had a good conversation today.
We were talking about how my younger brother and his girlfriend recently decided to go from living together to not living together and the likelihood of their relationship ending soon. My boyfriend suggested that it was a good thing they were able to figure out so quickly that they weren't meant to be. I commented that maybe it was a good idea they moved in together so early in their relationship, so that they didn't have to wait so long to find out it wasn't going to work. My bf jokingly said he didn't plan to live with someone until seven years into the relationship. I replied that I would be long gone by then -- not wanting to end up like a particular friend of mine (who has been with her bf for six years so far). He then said, "You know I'm joking, right? Why do think I've been hesitating to buy an apartment?" He then went on to talk about how when I'm ready in six months or a year or however long it takes me, we can buy a place together.
I know, of course, that we will need to have many more similar discussions, but this is definitely a start.
Edited 4/26/2009 8:41 pm ET by van_city
Don't you HATE when you joke about the serious stuff like that? LOL
Glad you had such a revealing discussion! That's fantastic!