Do I have leverage

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Do I have leverage
2
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 1:48pm

i met a guy over the 4th of july weekend. he calls me all the time, we go out on dates (picnics, ice cream, icees etc)which has allowed us to get to know each other better. last saturday, he wanted to out - i told him that i would be attending a funeral w/my ex and that i would give him a call later. i called him later and he told me that he was on the other line w/an old "friend" and he would give me a call back. well needless to say, when he did call back i was unavailable. i did however call him back to tell him that i had made it home, and that i was pretty tired and really didn't feel up to going out. slightly irritated he tried to persuade me to see him but i wouldn't budge and we ended the conversation w/we'll see what happens tomorrow. we talked over the course of the week, but didn't make plans to see each other.

FAST FORWARD: friday night, i called him to see what he was into, no answer, left msg, no call back. ordinarily this wouldn't have bothered me until he called me first thing on sat morning. right there i had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and that whatever he was doing on friday night, it couldn't have been good. so, i didn't answer any of his call this weekend. he called me this morning and i told him that i would call him back-when i did, he told me that he was late for an appt and that he was trying to fix his hair. in response i told him that his hair looked really nice (jokingly), he paused for a minute, repeated back what i said and then said..."i was out with an old friend on friday night." before i lost my cool i told him that i would call him back but i haven't as of yet and now i'm wondering should i pursue this relationship. i mean we touched briefly on the topic of exclusivity but nothing definite. however, why the gultiness on his part? i'm not sure if i should be happy that he confessed w/out any pressure on my part or should i be angry? we haven't had sex yet, so that's not an issue. although, we've talked about it and he's expressed to me on numerous occasions that he wants too but respects my decision to wait until i'm ready. how would you proceed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 3:00pm

ravishingbeauty...

You can always ask him the fatal question: "WHO DID YOU SPEND FRIDAY NIGHT WITH?" And you'll either get an honest answer or a vague response!

Here's something you should keep in mind though.

You told your new b/f that you were attending a funeral with your EX. While a solemn occasion like this involves more of a platonic relationship....you are STILL in the EX's company! So in a round about way---you gave the man you're currently interested in...PERMISSION to renew an old acquaintance as well?

In your eyes, the reasons for joining your EX at the funeral were harmless. Perhaps your new friend didn't view this the same way you did? So he exercised his option to go out with somebody else! It's really up to him if he wants to tell EXACTLY WHO SHE (OR HE) WAS!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:56am

Rav,

I mostly agree with Mr. Piano. This new bf of yours likes you, but when you said you were going to the funeral with your ex he saw it as you trying to play him. Guys hate that because it makes us feel like the girl doesn't care as much about us as we thought. This makes many men not only want to back off, but to go out with somebody else. He took you as going to the funeral with your ex as a message saying, "You better catch me while I'm available because you're not the only guy interested." So he was just sending you back the same message saying, "I've got other options too, so don't play around with me telling me you were with your ex, because I can do the same thing." Yes, it's very childish. Games and tests in dating are my least favorite thing. They suck.

I don't know if you were trying to get him jealous by going with your ex or if it was completely innocent on your part, but regardless of your intentions (innocent or not) it came off as something completely different. Personally, I wouldn't have reacted quite as strongly as he did, but I still would've been a little irritated at you if I were him. If you would've explained to him that it was nothing, and you were just going to the funeral of a mutual friend, that would've been much better, but all you said is that you were going with your ex. No explaination.

Bottom line: you were unclear and that made it look to him like you didn't care about his feelings or the relationship, so he got insecure and jealous about it and went and hung out with his ex. I think if you just tell him you were sorry about the miscomunication, and that you went just as friends then he should drop it. He should say he is sorry for reacting poorly as well.

Good Luck.
-MFG