do I stay silent or talk
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do I stay silent or talk
| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:16pm |
Wow! Been a long time since I have been on here but it is all for good reasons. When I was last here I had met someone on line who I had been dating for about a year. We are a few hours apart so distance was a factor but nonetheless we had pleny of time to see each other. He was getting ready to go to Iraq to serve for a year and I was trying to decide if I should tell him how I felt? Well with your advice ladies, I let it all out...he didnt run screaming in the other direction and I supported him to the best of my ability when he was gone.
During his leave he was online with me constanlty, did all the right things like remembered my b-day with flowers and all. And when he was home in the fall for his 2 weeks leave even though he had a daughter to see and faimly to visit he still made time to see me at both ends of the trip. At the end of our last visit before he went back I got to hear him say those 3 little words!
Fast forward to now....he is home....back to the daily grind and just came to see me over the weekend. I finally introduced him to my children (my choice to keep him out of the picture until I was more sure, I am very overprotective of my little ones and dont just bring anyone around) and they got along great. He has a standing date with his daughter on the weekends but he decided he needed to come see me. I got the whole valentines day surprise with roses, balloon, teddy bear (which he knows I love) and delicious chocolates, all of the great things valentines is for! And when he was here it seemed like he had never been gone...and to boot he was more intimate and passionate than ever. He has recently asked me to share one of his passions and go skydiving with him (yikes) but he loves it so....guess I am game! He never really opens up to me but he does the sweetest things and says things just to make my day all the time. I know in his own way that is opening up but I am used to hearing it more..)(wow look where those guys are now...lol)
Ok sounds like not a problem right...I have had the two most important realtionships in my life (my kids dads) go wrong and been burned so many times that the minute I go a day without talking to him I get paranoid and feel like I have to worry. I have never been a marriage minded person and for some reason I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He is amazing to me in so many ways. SO why worry?? He is a person who goes to work maybe has a drink with the guys, goes to the gym and then to bed. He is a early riser for PT in the morning but no matter how much I reationalize it I cant get rid of that insecurity. I am afraid if I talk to him about it he will think I am being silly and I dont want it to seem like a slap in the face after he made this such a great few days for me last week. He has never as far as I know been dishonest with me and that is one trait is he is brutally honest...he tells it like it is...but I am afraid if I dont get it all out I will wind up killing myslef with worry and really ruin what we have....Should I talk to him or just wait things out??? And if I do what do I say???
During his leave he was online with me constanlty, did all the right things like remembered my b-day with flowers and all. And when he was home in the fall for his 2 weeks leave even though he had a daughter to see and faimly to visit he still made time to see me at both ends of the trip. At the end of our last visit before he went back I got to hear him say those 3 little words!
Fast forward to now....he is home....back to the daily grind and just came to see me over the weekend. I finally introduced him to my children (my choice to keep him out of the picture until I was more sure, I am very overprotective of my little ones and dont just bring anyone around) and they got along great. He has a standing date with his daughter on the weekends but he decided he needed to come see me. I got the whole valentines day surprise with roses, balloon, teddy bear (which he knows I love) and delicious chocolates, all of the great things valentines is for! And when he was here it seemed like he had never been gone...and to boot he was more intimate and passionate than ever. He has recently asked me to share one of his passions and go skydiving with him (yikes) but he loves it so....guess I am game! He never really opens up to me but he does the sweetest things and says things just to make my day all the time. I know in his own way that is opening up but I am used to hearing it more..)(wow look where those guys are now...lol)
Ok sounds like not a problem right...I have had the two most important realtionships in my life (my kids dads) go wrong and been burned so many times that the minute I go a day without talking to him I get paranoid and feel like I have to worry. I have never been a marriage minded person and for some reason I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He is amazing to me in so many ways. SO why worry?? He is a person who goes to work maybe has a drink with the guys, goes to the gym and then to bed. He is a early riser for PT in the morning but no matter how much I reationalize it I cant get rid of that insecurity. I am afraid if I talk to him about it he will think I am being silly and I dont want it to seem like a slap in the face after he made this such a great few days for me last week. He has never as far as I know been dishonest with me and that is one trait is he is brutally honest...he tells it like it is...but I am afraid if I dont get it all out I will wind up killing myslef with worry and really ruin what we have....Should I talk to him or just wait things out??? And if I do what do I say???

As I read your post, I was reminded so much of my own situation. I've met a great guy who is an open book, to the point that I now worry that I cannot measure up as a girlfriend. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt myself, but this is the kind of person I've always been. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; when a situation is good, I'm anticipating that things are going to take a turn for the worse. The last thing I want is to doom my relationship.
As I think about what you describe, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has given you any reason to be worried. It does sound like you have your own built-in tendency to worry and feel doubtful, based on your past experiences. If he loves you for you, he will be patient if you express your fears to him, but for your part, you should really keep your worries in check if there is no real reason to have them. I try to remind myself that my boyfriend fell for the person I am, so I shouldn't worry. He tells me that I am a smart, beautiful, and sweet person, so I wouldn't want to ruin that by behaving in an obsessive, insecure way. The insecurity comes from not believing that you truly possess the qualities that would make a man want to stay with you for the long term. You do possess those qualities and you do deserve a good man. You need to never stop believing these things.
That said, if you are constantly bothered by your worries, then I suppose you should express them to your boyfriend. But don't do it in an accusatory way or in a manner that implies that he has done something wrong. Just say that you have feelings that may or may not be rational, but you won't feel better until you air them out. It will be an opportunity for him to offer reassurance and maybe this is exactly what he wants to do. It could actually strengthen the relationship if you speak up, you know? Just do it in a way that opens the way for better communication rather than putting either of you on the defensive.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
SBC
SBC, has a good point. I had to do this with the guy I am dating. When we first started I was very skeptical of it lasting more then 2 mos. It did but I figured oh yeah right. My own insecurities crept in and my mind going all over the place. I can only imagine what he was thinking with my cold hot behavior over a period of time as I tried to figure things out. But, I actually called him up (we are long distance so face to face was not possible) and let him know everything. Let him know I was insecure about having a relationship work because in my mind my marriage was suppose to be the end all of everything. My parents are still together and so in my growing up life that is how marriage was and if you got divorced then you raised your children. I let him know that I trust him and fully know the difference between him and my ex and the problem was me accepting him as the sweet guy he was and not allowing my pasts hurt to interfere. I let him know this is something that will take time but for him to understand that I will not to bring it to him but at times I seem a bit distant that more likely I am having one of those moments but it is ok just me working it out. The times have gotten less and less then when we first met but sometimes it comes up and I remind myself of what he does to determine who he is.
You've gotten some great
First, this guy sounds awesome. Glad you are happy.
Second, if I didn't know better I'd say you were talking about me. I too have been hurt in the past and have the feelings of insecurity about the new guy. I've read all the other posts about this and have decided that I too need to talk to my guy about what's going on, although I have a feeling he understands as he was around when the other guy was at his worst.