Does he want to leave his fiancee?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Does he want to leave his fiancee?
4
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:37pm

Hey everyone:

I was friends with this guy in college...but at the time we weren't that close. Fast forward about 10 years and now we're both working in the same office...and spending more time talking while on the job...since we basically work together. While I've noticed him in a different way...(I'm attracted to him), I've never made a move because he's engaged to an acquaintence of mine. Anyway, last weekend a group of us from the office went out(sans his fiancee) and he and I were the last to head home...he started venting about the job and our boss and I was trying to be supportive...then he started venting about his fiancee...and how she wants to move to another state when they do tie the knot...eventhough he's told her he doesn't want to.

I told him where you live should be a mutual decision, in my opinion at least. I then asked him if they haven't been able to agree on where to live, if they've even talked about kids...and he said "not really". Basically, there's a lot he hasn't talked to her about..and quite honestly doesn't seem like he is excited to marry her--he's just been with her so long it's just something that is "supposed" to happen.

At any rate, at the close of our conversation, he gave me a really tight hug--tighter than most guy/girl friend hugs that I've had before. It really was more like an embrace if that makes sense...and it got to the point where you'd normally break away from the hug, that he seemed to grab me tighter. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY liked it but was confused. Anyway at the end of the hug, with my arms still around his neck, I looked him right in the eyes and said I had his back and that he could talk to me anytime (mostly in relation to the issues at work). He thanked me, we separated and then headed to our respective cars.

Since then, he's been opening up to me more and more about how he's not happy about his bride's choice of things for the wedding and whatnot. And I've noticed that he's been trying to help me out at work as well...doing research and stuff that he doesn't have to do but does to help me..and overall we seem to be spending more time together.

I haven't said anything to him about our embrace, but it's been on my mind ever since. So I ask you, is it possible he likes me and is having 2nd thoughts about getting married? Do I approach him about things? I'm concerned because I don't want to be considered a homewrecker or anything (he lives with her) but at the same time, I really care for him, and we're more on par with things like age, religon, etc.

Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 7:16am

You shouldn't be trying to do anything to break up their relationship. Even if he did leave her, it would be a bad idea to immediately jump into something with someone in his situation. You right to think that you would be thought of badly by most people who knew him, and the chances are that you wouldn't be anything other than the rebound girl.

What you could do that might be helpful would be to strongly suggest to your friend that they undergo premarital counseling before the wedding. Talking with a professional about the issues they have and the ones they haven't discussed would help them figure things out and give them a better chance to have the marriage work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 1:29pm

You're on a slippery slope here, k8tee.

You asked, << So I ask you, is it possible he likes me and is having 2nd thoughts about getting married? >>

If he is having second thoughts (which it sounds like he might be), what you do NOT want to be is in any way, shape or form connected to those second thoughts. If he's having second thoughts because of their relationship, fine. But, if it has anything to do with your friendship with him, you'd be wise to step back ... rather than "have his back."

Secondly, would you WANT to be the woman he leaves his fiance for? Wouldn't that feel a little tainted? If he's having second thoughts, do NOT get involved with him any further ... if he wants to end his relationship, let him do so without any involvement or input from you.

The reason I say "slippery slope" is that it does sound the beginnings of an emotional affair. He's turning to you as a confidant. You're sensing an attraction. He's "venting" to you about his fiance. Certainly, there's nothing wrong with men and women being friends ... but, when it starts to become intimate in any way (and yes, you can have intimate friendships ... intimacy isn't limited to physicality) ... when the friednship starts to replace the emotional closeness he SHOULD be experiencing with his fiance, that's an emotional affair.

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Yes, let him know that you feel that things are getting a little too close for comfort and though you care about him, you think it would be best if he doesn't discuss his relationship problems with you. Be a friend, and suggest pre-marital counseling.

Secondly, given this attraction you have for him (and him probably for you), you'd be wise as to not hang out with him socially, without her around. After all, she is someone you know, right? Do you want her to think you're making trouble? Probably not.

If he's spending time with you in lieu of her, she needs to a) know about it and b) not have anything kept from her. Of course, you cannot control that ... that's up to him to be honest with her. All you can do is not contribute to it by agreeing to meet up with him, etc if you don't know for SURE that she knows about the amount of time you're spending together, etc.

You can let him know that you feel uncomfortable knowing things about their relationship that she doesn't even know. KWIM? He needs to be talking to HER about this stuff.

That's why it's best if you take the initiative to step things back ... because THAT, you can control.

<< I'm concerned because I don't want to be considered a homewrecker or anything (he lives with her) but at the same time, I really care for him, and we're more on par with things like age, religon, etc. >>

Don't even be thinking of him as a relationship prospect. He's unavailable. If that changes, then you can let him know that you'd be interested in dating him. But, you'd be doing yourself and him a favor if you stepped back from this ... you're on a slippery slope, for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 10:27am
I agree.
And the next time he wants to vent to you about his fiance, tell him to sit down and talk to her about his issues because it's really none of your business. It isn't, you know. You're attracted to him and you're thinking that by him venting to you, he'll see you as a caring person and love will blossom, but it won't. He'll eventually work things out with her, you'll feel drained, used and probably develop ill feelings towards him for letting him use you to poor his troubles on to you.
I'd tell him to talk to her about his concerns because they're the ones starting a life together. He asked her to marry him. Not you and you're not a marriage counselor. You can tell yourself and everyone on the board that you're his friend and you don't mind letting him vent and listening but deep down, you have alterior motives. Should he decide to marry this girl, you'll be bitter and hurt and feel used.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:37pm
He's in a relationship. Respect that. Find someone that's single. Sorry to seem harsh but just because he's having problems with his finacee doesn't give you the right to try to get in where you can fit in. I don't care what kind of signals he's sending your way. He's taken!! Women should have more self-respect and stop advertising to married/engaged/taken men that they are willing and available. How would you feel if you were his fiancee and some other woman was acting the way you do towards your fiance. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it.