does he want me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
does he want me??
4
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 6:59am

Hi! I am a divorced woman, age 45, 4 kids. About 5 months ago, I met this wonderful guy. We had a great time together, had so much in common, and sex was great too. Well after 2 months he informed me that the old girlfriend had reentered his life and he didnt want to hurt me but they were getting back together.

About 1 month later, he called. Told me he missed me, he didnt love her, he wasnt sure what he felt for her and that he needed to see me. So we met for drinks. Drinks lead to sex. I continued to see him under these terms because for one i wanted a chance to fight for the man I wanted, and two because it helped kill the loneliness.

He told me he never cheated before on anyone, but there was something about me that he couldnt stay away. I continued to date other guys, at his uring I might add. Well about a month ago things changed. He stopped uring me to go out, he calls all the time, we spend more time together, and I THINK, she's out of his life and he isnt telling me.

It seemed like once I played the GAME and was less available to him thats when he would chase me. He used to get upset if I let him know I had feelings for him, now he takes it well and has even sent me LOVE YOU text messages. He says it love like a friend but I don beleive him. I know he cares about me, because of all the sweet and nice things he does for me, and he's always there when I need help or someone to talk too.

Here the problem, I think hes afraid of committment. Should I ask him out right if shes still around or should I just let the relationship bloom at a slow pace as it has been now. Hes a typical guy when it comes to talking about feelings, and I dont want to push him away. We may go away together in the middle of November, and I thought maybe thats a good time to ask him the question "WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE???" He told me the first time around when we broke up that I wanted more than he could offer. So this time Im playing the more laid back role. I dont call, but on a rare occassion, I try to let him initiate things, so theres no pressure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 9:00am

flicksgirl...

First...Pianoguy likes your 'user name' and assumes there's a HISTORY behind it?

2 Thoughts:

1. This man has no intentions of "totally committing himself to any woman"---including the old girlfriend.

2. The sex between you is probably so FANTASTIC that he doesn't want to give it up? The moment you indicate that you're ready to "toss in the towel"---he works HARDER to keep you in the stable!

I suppose you could continue this pattern indefinitely? But it's clear (to me anyway) that you're looking for something in the way of a 'long-term, one man to one woman relationship' with the gentleman you've described?

There's no question in my mind that this guy CARES about you....but not to the point where he's ready to 'forsake all others!'

Sorry I can't be more optomistic...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 1:14pm

Well thanks piano guy for your response. Its okay your not very optimistic, I at times am not either. But there is something special between us. I feel it when he kisses me and when he looks in my eyes. I think that after his divorce he has a definite committment problem. Maybe thats something that will never come, but for now Im satisfied with enjoying my life and the time we share.

Im not sure that I myself am ready for a serious committment either. As I have only been seperated for over a year and my divorce is about 2 months away from completion.

I do know one thing for sure, and thats that after a long relationship with her, he says he doesnt love her, and I can beleive that. I dont see how he could and lie to her about where hes at and what hes doing when hes with me. Call me naive but I think its too hard to lie to someone we love.

As far as my name goes its just a nickname for him and I added girl too it.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:05pm

<< I dont see how he could and lie to her about where hes at and what hes doing when hes with me. Call me naive but I think its too hard to lie to someone we love. >>

Ok, I'll call you naive. j/k! Ok, only a little "just kidding." Thing is, if you've ever known anyone who's had an affair, most if not all will say that while they LOVE their SO, that doesn't keep them from lying to them. People lie to people they love. Happens all the time. Doesn't make it right, just makes it what it is. Most of the time though, they'll justify that lie by saying they don't want to "hurt" the other person, as if they are protecting them by lying. At the core of it though, people who are lying to the people they love are really only protecting themselves. It's a selfish motivation.

I do think that you need to come out and ask him if she's still in his life. We all deserve to know where we stand. You could being satisfied with what you have and enjoying your time together. BUT, that would be naive if your not sure about whether or not he's still enjoying time with her, too! And given this history, it is going to be HARD to be SURE. If he wants a relationship with you, he's going to be have to be an open book with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 5:57pm
Thanks for the advice. I guess theres apart of me that doesnt want to ask, maybe Im afraid of the truth. But I know the truth is important, and I need to know. Because if she is still in his life then Im only living in a "fantasy world". I realized after I read your post that Im also afraid to ask for fear of him getting upset. Hes a typical guy, doesnt like to discuss feelings LOL. But I guess if I lose him by pushing and asking, I never had him to begin with. And if he wont discuss it with me, then hes not worth having. Makes me sad but, Ill get by it.