dont know about this

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
dont know about this
12
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:37pm

so the guy that i've been dating (3 months) and i were having some issues. He is going through changes, just got a new job, is moving, and lives 45 minutes away from me. He has told me he cant have anything serious right now which i understood. Well i ended up getting upset one weekend when he couldnt see me. we kept having the same conversation over and over about where things were going etc. Today he informs me that he thought we broke up a week ago. He said i make him feel anxious when i get upset about him not being able to see me. I apologized and he ended up saying that he doesnt feel like thigns are working out right now but it doesnt mean that we wont see each other again. He said i seem to want thigns he cant give me and he doenst like making me upset. I ended up saying that i'd like to just be able to see him when he can see me and he said that sounded good to him. But he said that we are on a break/haitus?

He also told me that he has not really had feelings for anyoen in years because he got hurt a long time ago. I'm wondering if i should just walk away from this. It seems quite complicated, but i do really like him.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 6:37pm

In all honesty, I would walk away. You won't be in a r'ship with this man. What you will be, is at his beck and call. He'll only see you when HE wants. Are you prepared for that? He said he doesn't want anythign serious, are you okay with not ASKING where is this going, or needing more?


ONLY if you're okay with those things, should you continue. If you're not, and you KNOW you'll need more in say, a month, then let him go.


I think you two are basically feeding each other's anxiety, stress, and emotions, and not in a good way. My xh and I did that. We also had tons of passoin. I'd just end it, move on. And tell him if he is interested later, to call you and you can see where you're at. Most likely, you will have moved on.


I also HATE that men basically tell us it's over, but then have to add in something to get our hopes up. Unfortunately, tha'ts what many women live off of. that hope. Are you willing to wait for him to get his life together....all the while, not in a r'ship with him? But maybe being a date to him when he wants, or even having sex? And he'll treat you as a gf, when he wants, and other times, like a big nobody? are you ready for that?


BTDT. I stay away from men that "need to work on themselves" now. It's not worth my time. I want a man who's already DONE the work.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 7:23pm

I say walk away while you're on somewhat good terms. Here is your future if you don't - he's not going to give you the time you want/need because its not what he wants/needs and he's made that clear. You're still going to want/need them and then end up resenting him because he's not giving them to you. You're going to over analyze the does he like me thing and you guys will fight about it...mostly because you're not accepting what he's saying about not wanting anything serious. He may have casual relationship with other women while he's having a casual relationship with you.

You've already made it clear that you two don't communicate well, since he thought you'd broken up and you didn't think that.

Walk away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:03am
i know, i dont know why i'm feeling guilty. My parents made me feel guilty as well. They were like, you can be a nag and you get upset when you dont get your way. my dad was like, men often leave when you ask them too many questions about the relationship or if you always need to be reassured. I get his point, but i also think the point is that maybe if this man had seen me more (than once every 3 weeks) i wouldnt have needed the reassurance. You're right, it wasnt a match.
The other thing is that i asked him, why did you start anythign with me if you know you dont get feelings for people. His response was, well i didnt really know you then. Oh thanks! so i said, and now that you know me, you dont like me? He jsut said, no you're fine. Anyhoo, when we hung up he said he would call me from FL (that's where he's going today) but i dont even care if he does. I dont feel totally at ease with things, but i guess i've realized that i dont relate to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:19am

Don't take the things your parents said too personally - every one can nag and no one really LIKES not gettting things the way they want them. They are right though, men don't like when you ask alot of relationship/future questions. They feel that it puts, often, unwanted pressure on them. Now, that is very much a generalzation and not all men are like that.

Because maybe he though that you were someone he could havea casual relationship with. He had no way of knowing what your wants/needs were with out getting to know you. He can't have the relationship that he wants to have with you, adn you can't have the relationship that you want to have with him. Not a big deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:36am
it's weird because he'd always tell me right from the start, you're so sensitve. He told me this was something that he liked about me. Maybe he tries to have feelings for people, but just doesnt or just did not have feelings for me. I feel rejected i guess. As far as asking him questions about where things are going, i guess i should not have done that, but i wanted to know. i didnt just want to be strung along and i probably would have been if i hadnt asked. I have asked people that before and they didnt freak out. I think that if you really like someone you wont get freaked out by the, where is this going, what is going on questions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:43am

Not 100 % true. My bf & I have been together for 2.5 years and the future still freaks him out a little. He's working on it, but doesn't like questions about it. I'm 100% secure in our relationship andhave no worries of there not being a future, but he gets a little freaked, so I don't ask any more.

I understand that you feel rejected, it sucks when you find out you're not a good match for someone. But really in this case I think it's jsut that..not a good match. He didn't string you along, he didn't lie to you. He can't give you what you want. So, ya move on and hopefully find someone who can. I wouldn't concentrate so much on HIM anymore. Make sure you know what it is that you want and set out to find it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:53am
i guess there's not much i can do now about the questions i asked. I guess i was insecure in the relationship. It's weird because yesterday on the phoen there was a part of him that made it sound like he still wanted something to work out, he just kept saying, i cant be exclusive and i cant give you a time frame as to when i can be. I said, well i will see you when i see i guess. He was like, good, i like how that sounds. But he said we still need to be on a break...so at this point i would just like to live life thinking that i will never hear from him again. After some of the thigns he said yesterday, i geuss i've come to the conclusion that i couldnt have a relationship with him, but i'd still like to hear from him? i guess i'm weird, i dont know...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:47am

Maybe it's time to cut him out of your life? Or do you think you can "move on" w/o waiting for him?


also, MANY men don't think beyond tomorrow. so why he dated you w/o thinking about all that other stuff....cuz, it's just that, he DID NOT THINK about all the other stuff. He just thought, "oh she's cool, i'll see if she wants to go out" and didn't ONCE stop to think to himself, "do i have time for dating/r'ship?" most men just pursue what their pants want. i don't mean he wnated sex. i mean, he foudn you attractive, that was enough. he forgot evetything else.


trust me, my dbf did the same to me. i asked him too, why pursue me then? andhe said, "i didn't" and i said, "BS! you started treating me more like a gf than a friend and if you couldn't commit why pursue?" his answer? "I guess I didn't think about it. I just wanted to hang out with you....I guess I didn't think beyond that".


and most men don't.






my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:07pm

yeah i mean i dont think my questions were that freaky, it's not like, i said, i know you're the one, i want to marry you. I just basically wanted to know if things were ever going to be serious and he couldnt answer that, fine, maybe to some people that is a weird question, but after 3 months, you kind of want to know where things are headed. I wouldnt want to be with him for a year and find out, oh i dont have feeling for you, i dont see this ever being serious. I guess i am looking for someoen to build a life with. I want someone who wants the same thign that i do. I am surrounded by people who are building lives with people and i want that too. I am 26, i'm not getting any younger. I know my eggs arent about to dry up, but i feel that i'm too old for these relationships that are in such limbo.

Also i got plenty of advice here when i was still pursuing thigns with this man. They said that it sounded like he was never going to be serious with me and move on and after 3 months he should now. but now i kind of feel like people are saying i was wrong all along for even asking him questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:25pm

I don't think you were wrong to ask, however, most men hear "commit" and instantly think marriage. And since he wasn't sure he even wanted somethign serious, that alone is a problem, because YOu want somethign serious.


I know this much. I "went with the flow" with my dbf for 6 months. we acted like nothing more than bf/gf only diff was, I wasnt invited to ANY family outings. That hurt. We talked at 3 months and ended things. Cuz his answer was "I don't know". Screw that. We hung out. Later, he started treating me more like a gf again. I got confused. I talked again, he said he couldn't give me a commitment. WTF! But you have no problem treating me like a gf. He just didn't want the OBLIGATION and RESPONSIBILITY that came with a gf (like answering his phone, like calling me back if I left a message, like telling me if he's not going to be home, or if he's going to do somethign else).


After all was said and done, I ended things and told him to go away. not so mean though. And well, we talked again. and he chose to make that commitment. Still didn't really treat me like a true gf until about 6 months later, after I ended thigns with him...again. Cuz he wasn't making me any sort of priority. I got so sick and tired of it.


To be honest. I should've just ended things there, but I really liked him so I gave him another chance when he asked for it, and promised ot change things. he did change things. so i am happy.


I'd rather not see someone go thru that for a year. WHy bother? Just find someone you're more compatible with and someone who WANTS to make you a priority.


Hugs.






my pet!

Pages