A doozy . . or is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
A doozy . . or is it?
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 10:28am

Salvagable? HELP!

Edited 8/24/2010 8:26 pm ET by holycannoli
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 6:50pm


I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and your bf. He clearly was uncomfortable with you two moving in together. You glossed over his statements and were grasping for straws when you blamed his thoughts on his stress.

Now you have to pay the price for pushing the issue. Men don't like breaking up with women. They don't like dealing with women crying, etc. They usually start to treat the woman poorly so she will break up with him. Maybe that's why he made fun of you when you didn't get the job. If he wanted it to work out between you two, he would have given you alternative ways to still have a relationship without moving in together uhtil he was more comfortable with the situation.

He knows you still want to be with him. You already communicated that to him. I would leave it to him to reply to you now. If he doesn't, then it's time for you to move on. We each learn something from every person we have a relationship with. Use this as a learning experience. It takes a few years of seeing someone regularly to really get to know them. I wouldn't make any major decisions like moving in together before that 2 year time period. Good luck in your future!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 8:01pm

Thanks for reading through all of that!

He gave some alternatives - like he asked for a break . . . the thing is we've been LDR for so long, that we thought this was the perfect opportunity to move forward.

*le sigh*

Regardless, you are right - I shouldn't reach out anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:10am

I guess you made a mistake when you just moved out w/o a word.He has all the right to doubt you from now on.Someone who disappears when it gets tough or to get attention or to pressurize?Unfortunately,whatever you were seeking,backfired. You eventually wanted to get back together with him then this step was kinda manipulative which correctly didnt work and he recognized it.

The ball is in his court.You put it there and now all you can do is give yourself some time for him to come back.If he doesnt,you have to move on.

Never disappear on someone you want things to work- game playing which people either get tired of or play back on you -- either way, receipe for ending your relationship when you wanted it to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:54pm

Hey holycannoli, I responded on another board but I think blueorchid hit the nail on the head in her first paragraph.

I don't see taking a break as an alternative to anything, it's putting a stop to the relationship. Basically a breakup. In an ideal relationship, then you are right, moving in together would be a good step forward. Sadly, he didn't really want to take that step; he had too many doubts and reservations, and he wasn't completely honest with you about how he felt about it at the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2009
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:26pm

I know it wasnt your intention, but I think you pushed him into something he wasnt ready for.

Men hate dealing with our emotions. And when we send too many differing signals in a short amount of time they just shut down.

Yes he probably was also nervous about moving in together, and the drama between you two just compounded it.

I would set him free. See if he comes back. If he doesnt....you know the rest of the saying.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 8:30pm

Hey all - I edited my original post because I felt overexposed ;)

You guys are all right! He claims he had signed the papers when he came home, but since I was gone with no note or indication - it's over.

Regardless - tension was too high. I can not tell you what a sense of peace I have and I realize how much I was stepping on pins n' needles . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:28pm

Well, we've talked and he says he doesn't want to get hurt any further . . . . ???

He also asked me to just throw away his things, even though he still owes me money and hasn't deposited.

What gives? Is he licking wounds? I do want my money back . . . but I also want to give him space . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 12:29pm

"Well, we've talked and he says he doesn't want to get hurt any further . . . . ???"
That means just what he says, he doesn't want to get hurt further. But this statement doesn't mean you're required to interpret or act on it. He doesn't need you to do anything about it. It doesn't make a difference.

"What gives? Is he licking wounds? I do want my money back . . . but I also want to give him space . . ."
Ask him for the money back, he owes it to you. You have no obligation to give a crap about his feelings, you're not dating him. Give him space when he gives you the money he owes you.