Doubts that prevent Recovery

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Doubts that prevent Recovery
1
Sat, 08-28-2010 - 11:20am

On another board, "Living Together" I wrote about my doubts about moving in with my boyfriend of 15 months. I came to a conclusion that I shouldn't move in with them because of DOUBTS.

There are points of the relationship that I wonder if I should just move on since we have been together for 15 months...and my doubts hasn't lessen. I truly love him and there's no doubt that he loves me. We joke around about getting a ring on my finger all the time but I don't know if he is really considering it.

We broke up once during our 15 months, and had a few big arguments where we didn't talk to each other for a couple of days. But through everything, I know I want to be with him and love him. We have be able to become more open with each other as time moves on, but the arguments and the break up is always in back of my mind.

I'm not sure how to move on from it. I want to become more serious and I love the idea of moving in together and getting one step closer to "marriage" but I'm always thinking what if we fight? If we break up again?

How should I handle these doubts and put them in the past? I want to focus on the present and that's what we are trying to do, make our relationship work. How can I bring out the word "marriage" w/o scaring him off? I don't want the marriage now. Maybe in two or three years...but I want him to know that he's someone I want to settle down with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:54am

hunnybunny I think you need to slow down and not think about marriage right now. You need to focus on your relationship here and now and get it to a good place before marriage would be a good idea.

You are wise to look at the way you've handled disagreements in the past and doubt that you might have a happy marriage with this man. You can't simply break up and avoid one another for days if you're married, especially if you're going to have kids.

Can you be more specific about the things that cause you doubts?

I think you should take first things first. Whether or not you can overcome these obstacles BEFORE you are married will determine whether or not you will be happy in a marriage with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 8:43pm

Hunnybunny -

I posted on both boards about my issue as well - I basically *was* the recipient of the doubts of my almost live in lover. My boyfriend (now ex) ended up having doubts about us moving in together (after going ring shopping) . . because he had reservations about a few previous conflicts. I guess he realized he wasn't fully over them once he pulled the trigger and asked me to move in with him and I agreed. He hit the panic button from the minute I followed through - I truly think he *thought* he was over his doubts, but with me "in his face", he realized - he wasn't.

Well . . let me just say - I am glad he piped up, but a day late/a dollar short. I didn't handle it well, and it actually ended our relationship (I left - a move made out of self-preservation - but one that was a death sentence for our relationship.) Now he is too hurt to continue further, even though he was the one having initial doubts about moving in.

Undercover Crab gave me good insight to my situation - but from a female perspective (on the understanding men board - ha - go figure!) I say - please don't get involved in anything that you are not ready for - it will be painfully evident to the other party. Moving in should be a joyous occasion, doubts should be about the toilet seat being left up/down . . not about the actual partner in the relationship. ;)

Hope this gives you food for thought . . (((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 11:22pm

Well, you don't simply have doubts. You have actual issues. Just having doubts would be if everything in the relationship has been well, but you just wonder how you know if things won't change. If you've had several arguments in one year where you stopped speaking to each for several days, then you have a real problem. That does not happen in a healthy relationship. If you can't trust that you will be speaking for a while after you have an argument, then of course you are going to have doubts as well.

Since the doubts are due to real issues that you've had in the relationship, then what you need to do is deal with those issues. If you work out a solution, then the doubts will go away. If you can't, then the relationship will not have worked out anyway.

What you need to do is find out how to resolve arguments so that they don't leave a rift between you for a while. If the arguments that have caused you to stop speaking in the past have been about some of the same recurring issues, you may want to start by setting aside time to discuss those issues when you are both more relaxed. Try to see if you can have a serious discussion about those issues without blowing up at each other. If the arguments are about something different each time, then you should try handling things the next time you have an argument. It's okay if you need to take an hour or two apart after an argument to calm yourself down. Once you have gotten to the point where you are calm enough to be able to be rational about thing, then you should try to reconnect and work things out. Continuing to go out of your way to avoid the other person after that point is immature and passive-aggressive.

The main focus of your relationship at this point should be on building up better communication skills. It won't be an over-night thing. You will need a long period of time to really change your habits and to see if things have truly changed or if you are just going through an easier period of the relationship. As I said before, though, either your relationship will improve and the doubts will disappear, or things will keep going back to more of the same, and you'll know it's not going to work.

If and when things have really changed for a while, then at that point you can reconsider moving in together. At this point, living together would put a lot of stress on the relationship that you're not ready to handle. You are definitely doing the right thing by holding off on that. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Mon, 08-30-2010 - 2:10pm

undercovercrab: Thank you for commenting on this message board as well. :)

TO ALL: My doubts are more about me I guess you can say. We are 5 years apart, and he's at the age of settling down. We talk about the future from time to time. I really love the guy, but it's the first and foremost serious serious relationship I have been in. He honestly told me from the beginning that he isn't the best at communicating, while I'm really open about my feelings. Communicating is reason why we have been arguing. We are total opposite with one thing in common: stubbornness. YUP~~~~!!!! That causes a lot of issues, while I love the fact that I can learn so many things about each other and opposites do attract, they clash real hard also.

Since I'm really open, I share my thoughts with him, about my doubts and insecurities, he doesn't take them well. Maybe, I shouldn't share it with him? I don't know...I have always been that way, when something is wrong...I want to fix it no matter how little it is! He just like fixing his problem within himself.

I get freaked out about being serious too, and so does he, I bet, but we do work things out at the end. That makes me proud, and we both want this to work. There are times when things goes well for months...and for some reason I think of the previous argument and have doubts again and I share it with him...he gets disappointed.

At this point of our relationship, we have improved a lot on communication. But I still have these lingering doubts that I just want to get rid of? And should I talk about my doubts with him? It that a good thing? I don't know.

I have to add something that lately have been getting on my nerves too! We don't go out anymore, he doesn't plan anything out and he get offended if I do. I know he like feeling like a man but I don't like how I feel like he's too comfortable with the relationship to put out the effort to take me out and spend money on me anymore...sometimes I feel like a housewife already.

Edited 8/30/2010 2:13 pm ET by xxhunnybunny




Edited 8/30/2010 7:01 pm ET by xxhunnybunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 1:36pm

I think that is wise that you didn't make your move because you did have doubts. That's listening to your gut! Good for you! There's no hurry anyway...

When I share my insecurities and doubts with my boyfriend (I worry about bursting our happy bubble when we do move in, because everyday living will bring up even simple conflicts I'm sure) he assures me that we are strong and we'll get through it together. We'll work it out. He "takes it well" for lack of a better term.

Perhaps you just need more "data" on your guy to see if he's the one.

As far as gong out anymore, have you shared your expectations with him? How you feel its good for a couple to go out once a week? Maybe he feels dating/courting is just for the beginning? It's unfilled expectations (especially unshared ones!) that lead to frustration and fights. It's going to be key to share your expectations with each other in an open manner that will lead to long term success. Not that you should expect to have them fulfilled right off the at, but you do need to be able to share them and maybe work on a compromise.




Edited 9/4/2010 1:57 pm ET by sienna76
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 1:19am

HI Sienna76!

Thanks for responding to this post of mine also! Your comment was very useful from the last one. I'm starting to open up with him more. The thing with him is he takes all the negativity inside and he internalize it. He doesn't share with me what he's unhappy about. I'm usually the one whom always have something to talk about. We have been able to communicate better now and he recently told me that no matter how hard he tries and what he does, he feels like I'll never be satisfy. He never complains about anything I do, but I always find faults in him. He feels like he's never good enough for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 2:03pm

"The thing with him is he takes all the negativity inside and he internalize it."

How does this show on him? If it's internal, what is he doing? Like clamming up?

"He never complains about anything I do, but I always find faults in him. He feels like he's never good enough for me."

Is this a constant feeling he has? Does he say if often, or just once? That he is not worthy of you, specifically you? Or is is not worthy of having someone love him?

Someone who doesn't feel they are worthy of love is kind of broken. They aren't whole enough to be in a relationship right now. That's why I'm wanting more info on that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 9:32pm

No relationship is perfect and every couple will have their communication issues. I think the important thing is, can you two work on them? Will he at least meet you half way? Or does he deny there are any problems at all?

And as for the moving in together question, I don't think it is a good idea to live together when you are having doubts. The problems in a relationship will only get magnified by co-habitating. And you should definitely not move in just to get closer to some vague ideal of marriage.