Is an email from a dating site innocent

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Is an email from a dating site innocent
13
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:40am

Hi,

Been dating this guy for a little over a month and a half now. After about 2 weeks I told him I couldn't go on seeing him, that I wasn't sure what I wanted etc. Then a few weeks later we got back together.

The guy keeps telling me he loves me, he separated last year, says he dated a few women, but I'm the first one he introduced to his parents and his daughter. He is making plans for the future, is very present, is at my house almost every night and on weekends when he does not have his daughter his spends them with me.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who said she posted a profile on a dating site.. said she received a quick note from this guy, and after she gave me the description I realized it was my boyfriend. Mind you, in his profile it says interests: hangout.. and all he told her was: you sound very nice or nice profile or s'thing like that, no invitation to chat or email or anything (I've seen it).

I have discussed this with him, and at first he said he didn't see anything wrong with that, that he is a very social person, and that it was clear in his profile it was just for 'hangout'.. at the end he admitted that it was stupid and promised me it would never happen again, and that he would delete his profile, which he did, I saw last night it said: user deleted profile Aug. 22.. but this morning I do a search by username and nothing pops up, so I don't know if he created another profile and it's simply hidden so he can send out but cannot receive, or it's just a glitch in the system.

But that's another story. He did not try to deny it last night, and has been honest in his responses to my questions. Simply said he was a very social person, and liked to meet new people, but said that he absolutely wasn't trying to pick up another woman. He has been married 7 years, admitted that early on in his marriage he kissed another woman, but never ever repeated that mistake.

I really don't know how to react to all this, I would like to just let it go as he did not 'cheat' or anything, but I can't seem to shake it. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:56am

Um, can we go back to the beginning of your post, where you said that he LOVES you after only dating for 1.5 months????? Actually, not even that, because you broke up for a few weeks!

This is a HUGE red flag. He barely KNOWS you, and he LOVES you? He barely knows you, and he's making plans for the future? He barely knows you and he's introduced you to his daughter?? Do you not see how unhealthy that is?

Is he even divorced yet?

I think the dating profile thing is the least of your worries.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:59am

Maybe it sounds unhealthy, but I realize I love him too.. with my husband things progressed fast too.. and we have stayed together for close to 14 years, so I don't think that it is a bad sign..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:08am

Ah, I see...the 1 exception in 1,000 cases rationalization ;-).

In that case...NO, I don't think that a man who is truly "in love" and sincere about making plans for the future would have a profile on a dating site and be emailing other women, even just to "hang out". I would definitely take everything he says with a huge grain of salt, given that behavior.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:03pm

If the account was deleted I dont see why you are so worried.

This relationship is still just fresh too, maybe he's still wants to see whats out there before getting into something serious with you - you did play him by saying you didnt want to see him no more after only 2 weeks. *geesh*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 9:14pm
OMG I had this same conversation with my ex just shy of a year into our relationship. He claimed he needed to make new friends, etc. Was just looking for new people. I got sucked into it. 3 months later a friend found profiles on other dating sites and forwarded the info to me. He again said that well he hadn't accessed those in months (when the sites say when they were last accessed and it was recently!) and he'd just forgotten to delete them. I dated this guy for 2 yrs and it turned out he was running on me the entire time.
RUN girl, RUN!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 8:29am

Thanks,

We had another discussion last night, I have checked out the most popular dating sites in the area and his profile is on none of them. Sounds like he is being true as he said when he sent that text, that night he was actually trying to delete his account and all it did was 'unhide' it, and I know that is true because before it was hidden before, and the day I found that out, his profile was unhidden. Then I saw that he had deleted it. He again assured me that there was nothing to it, that all he said was 'you sound very nice', no invitation to chat or meet or anything. And on his profile, under 'interests' it said 'hangout'. Not 'relationship' or 'intimate encounter' or anything like that.

I know he likes chatting, he is extremely sociable, and on the weekends when he has his daughter his is 'stuck' at home. I guess I should begin to trust him, after all he did delete his account when he said he would, and he sounds very sincere when he says he will never cheat on me, if he got to a point in the relationship where he would even think of cheating, he would let me go first. Plus after only a month and a half, I don't see the sense in cheating, it's not like it's an old relationship gone routine. He now sees my point of view, and realizes how it could have come across as a bad thing, and also realizes he would not have liked it if I had done the same thing. Since his separation, he dated a few girls, but I was the first one he introduced to his family and his daughter, so I know he is serious about me, maybe I should not let a harmless text message ruin all this. I am keeping my eyes opened though. But really I never thought my ex husband would cheat on me and he did, so I guess no use in worrying before it happens right, I don't think because he sent a text message to someone that means he has the intention of cheating on me.

I know it may sound as though I'm defending him, but I think it's more a matter of rationalizing and keeping things in perspective. He has not gone out to bars once since we met, and besides, if he wanted to have someone else, he would not have introduced me to all his friends and family so fast. He could have easily just kept dating me casually and have other prospects on the side. Why would he make this so serious if he wanted to see other people, it would have been as easy and even much easier for him to just say that he wanted to take things slow and just see me once in a while, which is not the case.




Edited 8/24/2005 8:35 am ET ET by rapunzele
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:10am

You wrote:

"Why would he make this so serious if he wanted to see other people, it would have been as easy and even much easier for him to just say that he wanted to take things slow and just see me once in a while, which is not the case."

Well, I had an ex (who I now call "the Liar") who did exactly that so that he could go meet others on the side and I wouldn't suspect anything, because, after all, we were serious and saw each other all the time! I found out after we broke up, for example, that he lied to me about having to work one night and instead went to a BBW dance (I know because I found his pictures on the group's website for that particular night) and of course I didn't suspect a thing when he told me he had to work, because we were in love and I trusted him.

Some people get off on deception and pulling the wool over their lover's eyes. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with your guy, just saying be cautious.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:31am

Thanks Sheri,

I am being cautious. I just have to decide if I'm going to trust him or not. Can't be in a relationship without trust. In his defence, again, he did have his profile hidden for the longest time, I know because I kept checking once in a while out of curiosity.

The day I found out he had sent a text message to my friend, I did a search and found his profile 'unhidden', like he told me it happened, and it only stayed unhidden for a couple days, until he went and finally figured out how to delete it.

Shortly after we started dating he had hidden his profile (again not knowing how to delete it), and it only got 'unhidden' these days when he tried to delete and unhid it by mistake. Then I guess he decided to browse out of curiosity, which I am guilty of doing in the past, and thought it would be a nice gesture to send a nice comment to her profile. If his intention was to cheat, don't you think that he would have put something other than 'for hangout' as interests, and something more inviting than 'you sound very nice' such as 'would you like to talk or chat'.. ? I'm just trying to see his point of view.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:42am

I think he could have done those things and still had the intention of meeting other women.

I disagree that you have to decide NOW whether to trust him or not. It's too soon to know whether he's trustworthy or not. It takes months of consistent actions and words to EARN trust. I would just keep this in your mind as you move forward and see how things progress.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 12:19pm

Makes sense.

It just doesn't sound probable that someone would seek out an affair when being in a relationship for only a month and a half.. and when sex is already sizzling, and all the rest is also wonderful. The 'honeymoon period' is usually not a time when people would choose to seek out another partner. What went through my mind was that perhaps, if he really was trying to create a relationship when he sent the email, was for 'backup' purposes in case I decided our relationship wasn't working out.

What I omitted to mention earlier, was that when I decided to try again with him, I sent him an email asking him not to pressure me, and to not be mad at me if 3-4 months down the road I decided it wasn't working out. He actually shared with me that he had a nightmare about me telling him that I had warned him about this, and that I didn't think it was working out. This tells me it may have made him very insecure towards our relationship and he is protecting himself in some way? Male ego is very strong as you probably know. I mentioned that to him and he responded that 'not to be arrogant, but I don't need a backup'.. which reinforces my thought that his ego is a bit fragile. Does that make sense? Or maybe he was just wanting to test whether other women still found him attractive and/or interesting, without actually asking to meet.

I have to admit that in my previous relationship, which lasted about 3 months, I was very insecure about the guy I was involved with, and kept chatting with 2 guys I had met on a dating site, 'just in case'. They knew I was seeing someone, but for some reason they were like a security blanket for me, just knowing that other guys would want to be with me.

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