Emotional Unavailability?
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| Wed, 01-11-2006 - 2:24am |
Hello all,
I just wanted your advice on how I should proceed with this "relationship" that I'm in right now. OK, well I am dating this guy (have been for about 3 months now). It seems like we have great chemistry and really have fun whenever we get together. One of the issues we have though is that I am still in the middle of a divorce (which is going to be finalized in about 2 months), and he has outright told me that this is what's stopping him from mentally feeling more for this relationship. So we have agreed to take it slow, just go with the flow type of relationship. However too, although we haven't used the words, I believe we are in an "exclusive" relationship in that he isn't seeing anybody else (or so he says), and I am not as well.
What bothers me a bit is that I have been initiating most of our dates, and while he has accepted 9 out of 10 dates I've initiated, why does it seem that he isn't initiating any of it? Could it really be the fact that I am still technically married? Or is there something else such as emotional unavailability? If it is the fact that he's not interested, why does he still accept my dates, and seems to be having a great time with me? Your advice and opinions are needed on this. Thanks

amsblucas...
PG has very little sympathy when it comes to your dating situation.
Because YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And because you're still married, the man you're currently dating can drop you at a moment's notice and use the excuse:
"I'm not comfortable dating someone who isn't completely divorced!"
Get the divorce finalized FIRST.....then see how 'exclusive' your new friend wants to be???
Pianoguy
He is protecting himself, and I do not blame him. Too many times, couples going through divorce either reconcile or they reach out to someone for all of the wrong reasons, mainly, fear of being alone. I just went through a divorce 18 months ago, and I was fortunate in that all of the men I reached out to in loneliness were either unavailable emotionally or lived too far away for me to cling to, thus, it made me stand on my own 2 feet and make a life as a single woman. Also, I thought that my first relationship was "the one", and after about 6 months, geez, I realized he wasn't my type, but had been there just to hold me together emotionally (for which I was thankful).
Also, from my own personal experience, divorced people carry huge amounts of baggage with them, and unknowingly, their next relationship is the one that gets the brunt of this baggage.
So, my personal advice is, for what it is worth:
1. Hold your own self back from this relationship and give yourself time to heal before jumping in with both feet.
2. Realize that he Must protect himself from the unknown. Take it slowly. Don't push. Be happy that he is with you 9 out of 10 dates ... that's a great %!
3. Don't idealize him ... it's So Easy to Do! Been there, done that ... and you don't want to tie yourself down immediately after getting free, do you?
4. And, the best thing ... get some counseling. Not that you're mentally unstable or anything, but it helped me so much in realizing the rebound effect, and what good company I was to myself, that I didn't need someone else to complete me.
5. And, most of all ... breathe deeply ... relax ... don't overthink this. Sometimes our mind can be our worst enemy ... exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, make Yourself happy.
Then, you will come to him whole. He will see how you have made such great strides in developing self ... and if he's the right one, then it will all come into place.
I am just cracking up - don't overthink this.
Basically, he's gotten involved by choice with someone that's "technically unavailable".
You can't "marry" a married person......no matter what commitments or promises the married person makes to you - they're legally bound to another person, there is unresolved issues and debts....and there is no telling in the process of finalizing the legality - where things could go.
It's not uncommon in the midst of the legal technicalities that a major illness, death, unexpected disaster on a personal level occurs. And suddenly the paperwork of divorce isn't nearly the priority that the sick or injured partner is, or the terminally ill child, or the emotionally distraught soon to be ex spouse.
So basically, you're unavailable. You can date, you can fun, sex, companionship, interaction - but really any promises or commitments you make hinge on 'this divorce going as planned, and nothing unexpected arising". Intelligent people "count" on the unexpected.
Having been on both sides of this......here's just the basics, don't put in your own expectations, assumptions or experiences - or his.
You're available to date and have fun with....he doesn't make the effort to initiate but he never refuses when you initiate.
So post-divorce, the dynamic isn't really going to change. He's not one to pursue - he likes to do what is easier and more casual and less effort for him...that's why "dating' a married person appealed to him.
He didn't have to impress, wine, dine, romance, and pursue you - you'd take any level of attention you could get in any situation you culd get it. It was better than the "marriage" and its interactive dynamic.
It's not that he's not that'into you' - you two don't know one another. Infatuation is 'your desire for me makes me feel great about me, I can't get eough of your attention" - you two are definitely in the heat of that now - that's lasts 3-9 months.
The more interaction you have - the less everything you do is structured around and designed to "impress nad please" them in order to keep their desire for you at an all time high - so that you like yourself thanks to thier attention.
So as time goes on - and reality and responsibility reappears - you each figure out "this person isn't a cure all for my feelings or my problems" - that's good.
You're experiencing the reality that he's really done very little pursuing "of you" or your attention...you were so puppy dog delighted to be found desirable and attractive that you've lavished him with attention and adoration......thanking him for maing you like yourself again.
And you're finding that is precisely the "dynamic" he prefers.......he sits on the throne and basks in your attention, and you run to and fro adoring the fact he's involved with you at all.
In short, I do believe that you've made him a priority - you've made him "integral" to your next phase of life in some capacity....while he considers you an option for distraction, diversion, fun, attention, sex, and companionship when his needs arise, or when his time permits.
You don't see it that way because you spend a much lager percentage of your time thinking about, preparing for, anticipating, and reliving "momments spent together" - that makes you investment in this relationship significant. He simply lives in the moment, doesn't relive the moents - so he's spent significantly less time "in regard to you" - than you have to him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It sounds like he's marking time with you, and doing his best to remain detached until your divorce is final. However, the trouble with this is, if a person trains themselves to remain detached, it's really hard to change things later on.
If you're ok with the (fairly high, IMO) risk that nothing will change once you are divorced, then keep seeing him. He may come around once the divorce is final, but that's a long shot.
Sheri
Thanks so much for making me realize the "harsh" reality of this all. As one of you said, I can't "demand" 100% commitment from him, since I can't really give him 100% of myself either I think the advice I like the best is to just relax and just "go with the flow". I think I have given this relatonship and him too much attention, and less to myself. One question I do have based on what some of you have said regarding, it seems, "his attitude" towards this. Do you all think that he is really in this because it is convenient for him, because he doesn't have to exert any effort in all of this? Either way, should I just flat out break away from this, or just let the relationship simmer or let it die down naturally (if you know what I mean)?
Thanks!
I don't think he's necessarily in it because it's convenient, but I do think he's working hard at staying detached. Whether he's doing that because HE doesn't want to get hurt (the divorce not being final thing), or because he doesn't want to hurt YOU (because he knows he's only in it for the sex and companionship, for example)...who knows? Only time will tell.
It wouldn't be a bad idea, I don't think, to break things off at least until your divorce is final. I personally don't think it's a good idea to date until your divorce has been final for a while, because my experience is that while I *thought* I was fine to date, in retrospect I was FAR from "fine" (and ended up getting into a bad rebound relationship that lasted 4 years because I was too embarrassed to have yet *another* failed relationship). But if you're ok with casual, then just keep doing what you're doing.
Sheri