encouraging someone to open up

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
encouraging someone to open up
3
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:19pm
I have a situation that's pretty difficult right now with someone I'n seeing who's in the Navy and is currently on a 6 month deployment right now. I dated him for a couple of months before he left and we really started to like each other a lot before he left. He was never one to express feelings through words and always did through affection and action. He never really let me into his world too much really but we always had a blast together and would make each other laugh all the time and there was never really a dull moment and the unspoken dynamic/chemisty that we had going between the 2 of us was good you could tell there was caring and mutual respect. He left a month and a half ago and we've been keeping in contact via email everyday and he has called a few times since he's been gone, most of the conversations have been short though. I feel as if his emails to me and conversations are more topical and that he isn't revealing to me how he feels. I'm not sure if this is just the way he is or if he's just afraid to open up or both. I know you can't force someone to open up to you but sometimes you can encourage it. I've told him in past emails that if he ever feels like he wants to open up to me to feel free to do that. Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can encourage him to open up to me in a gentle way that doesn't sound like I'm forcing anything or is it even worth my time to try to do this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 11:57pm

I don't believe that there is a way to gently encourage people to open up. With this in mind, I'd be advising you to either accept him how he is or move on.

But if you decide to accept him how he is, do think of the future. If you and he were to forge a relationship together, his lack of sharing emotions would be a nightmare for you. At the very least I would imagine that you'd feel isolated from his mind and at the worst you'd never be able to effectively resolve issues.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 12:31pm

Now is not the time to push for him to be emotionally open with you for two main reasons.

1) If his deployment is true active duty, then he must be of strong body, strong mind and strong character. His life and the life of others with whom he is serving depends on this. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his obligations for service to your country. He needs to stay in complete control to perform his duty of honor. Please try to respect that.

2) Your face-to-face time has only been two months. During times of high infatuation many men will try to effectively manage expectations - both his and yours. We don't want to make significant relationship decisions during high infatuation as our thinking and vision is somewhat clouded. This is a period of time where he is getting to know your character, values, ethics and attitudes. As infatuation settles then there is more opportunity to open up.

I would suggest that you be supportive and proud of him at this time. When he returns home and re-settles, then you can connect at a deeper emotional level.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 12:33am
I actually have thought about what you said in your advice in the past. I think you are right, now is probably not the time to encourage him to open up to me. He is in a very stressful situation at the time and we only have had a 2 month thing going and not enough time to get to know eachother on a face to face basis. This is a tough situation for me because there is part of me that wants to wait for him and trust that when he gets back that we can start up where we left off but another part of me wants to date others and I think I owe it to myself to date others just because we both discussed that this shouldn't be a committed r'ship while he's gone because of the short time we've known eachother. It frustrates me because it's just aweful timing and we started to get closer right before he left. I'm starting to feel more distant to him now because I haven't seen him in a month and a half and we have another 4.5 months to go which seems like forever now. It makes me sad because I thought we had a good thing going and so did he but unfortunately circumstances are causing me to feel more distant to him for obvious reasons. I am proud of him for being out there and it takes a really strong man to be able to do that and he is and I respect him for that. I just owe it to myself to date others during this time because I don't really want to put my life on hold for him. I want to meet the one for me and start a family and I don't have a lot of time for that. I also think him not opening up to me has a lot to do with the circumstances and situation at hand. I feel pretty sad now that it was just aweful timing for us and that I think if we were to have continued things without him leaving we probably would have had something solid and good.